Resentment: Definition, Causes, & Solutions
We all feel resentment every now and then, and they can really get in our way. Read on to learn about where resentments come from and how you can respond when they show up in your life.
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I grew up next to a big family, with a small army of redheaded boys whose shouts and roughhousing and pickup basketball games echoed throughout the neighborhood. As the oldest child in my family, without cool older brothers to follow around, I naturally gravitated down the hill toward their house, nervously excited to join in the ruckus. |
On the other hand, an unpleasant feeling could sometimes take over. It had something to do with wishing I had older brothers to look up to, wishing that my own pantry had the tasty snack foods I saw advertised on TV, and wishing that my house would be the center of the action. I wondered, why couldn’t I have all these things?
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What Is Resentment? (A Definition)
That’s a long definition, so here’s a shorter one: resentment is the feeling you experience when you have the thought, “that’s not fair!” When we think we have been wronged in some way, or somebody else has been given something we deserve (but don’t have), we are liable to feel resentment. We see the situation as unjust, as a threat to the status we want to have in the world (O’Dwyer, 2020).
Resentment is sort of an emotion – more on that in a moment – and all emotions call us into action. What resentment motivates us to do is try to level the playing field or to seek revenge (Nietzsche, 2006).
Does this make resentment a bad thing? Not at all. It is as inevitable as any other reaction you might have to your environment. And as an emotional response, it is a very useful signal to you that you want something in your environment to change.
Video: Resentment: Definition, Causes, & Solutions
Is Resentment an Emotion?
In this way, resentment may seem a lot like envy, which is a close cousin of anger. But there is a difference between resentment and envy. When I was in high school, I envied my peers who were willing to work harder and study longer than me, but I resented my peers who put in the same amount of effort as me, but still got better grades than I did.
A common target of resentment are the institutions that regulate our lives (Rawls, 1971). It is this sentiment that has fueled anti-government protests and even caused some people to seek revenge for harms real and imagined (Oatley, 2009). One example is the Biden administration’s decision to cancel a large amount of student loan debt. While many people were heartened and relieved by this news, others strongly expressed resentment at what they thought was an undeserved gift from the government.
Opposite of Resentment
When I was a senior in high school, my parents took my brother and me on a two-week trip to Europe. Those were coincidentally the same two weeks that my girlfriend, a first-year college student, had off for spring break. I spent the whole first week of the trip stewing in resentment that my parents were depriving me of time with my girlfriend. However, after my mother expressed her sadness that I wasn’t enjoying the trip, which my parents had taken such pains to make happen for me, my feelings changed. I accepted the reality of the situation, forgave my parents for the circumstances, and quickly grew to feel grateful for the incredible opportunity I had before me.
Resentment Causes
Relatedly, we feel resentment when other people get to do things we aren’t “allowed” to do. I put “allowed” in quotation marks because a common cause of resentment is seeing other people do things we don’t give ourselves permission to do. For example, observing strict religious practices can make people resentful of the people around them who do not live by such restrictions (Nauta & Derckx, 2007).
A final cause worth mentioning is one that psychologists in particular have focused on: relative deprivation. This is the idea that seeing other people who have more than I have – regardless of how much I already have! – can make me resentful (Mark & Folger, 1984). For example, I might come home from a weekend of hiking feeling grateful for the opportunity to leave work behind and experience nature. But when my work colleague mentions that she just took a whole week off to hike on another continent, I might swing from gratitude for what I have to resentment that I couldn’t take a longer, more expensive trip.
Examples of Resentment
You might be thinking to yourself, “I’m not a resentful person.” While most of us do not live in a state of constant resentment, I assure you that this sentiment is a daily presence in your life. For my part, I know that anytime I don’t get what I think I deserve, or somebody else I think is undeserving gets something good, I am liable to feel resentment (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).
Many crimes are motivated by resentment. For example, psychologists have documented how racially-motivated resentment rests on the belief that people of some races are getting special treatment despite not being as worthy of that treatment as other races (Kinder & Sanders, 1996). Another example comes from the world of incels, or “involuntarily celibate” men, who sometimes resort to violence against women because they resent the lack of romantic and sexual connections with women in their lives.
These examples get at another aspect of resentment. Sometimes, we resent situations in which we feel personally deprived, but we can also grow resentful when a group we are affiliated with seems to be deprived or out of favor (Runciman, 1966; Tajfel & Turner, 1986). Think of the aggrieved looks on the faces of sports fans when a questionable decision by the referee is partly responsible for their team losing the game.
Resentment in a Relationship
Resentment occurs frequently in relationships – after all, relationships are where we expect to get many of our needs met, and where we frequently draw comparisons between ourselves and others. Whether it’s a child complaining about their older sibling’s later bedtime or the feeling I get when I see yet another Tesla drive by me, resentment is bound to surface in every relationship eventually.
Resentment in Marriage
You can expect resentments to appear the most in the relationships that matter the most, so marriage is unfortunately a breeding ground for this sentiment. One spouse wishes the other would do more of the housework, while another spouse is just dying for their partner to show up on time for their weekly date night. Irritation over little things can often boil over into generalized resentment between members of couples.
Resentment at Work
Research suggests that our attitudes toward other people determine our emotional responses to the outcomes they experience (Heider, 1958). In other words, we share in the joy when our preferred colleagues do well, but we resent the successes of coworkers whom we don’t like, or whom we don’t think are deserving of success (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).
Resentment vs Hate
The difference between resentment and hate is that resentment is usually tied to a specific circumstance. You hate somebody in general, but you resent them for a particular event. For example, as a diehard Boston sports fan, I hate New York sports teams on principle, but I resent the Yankees in particular for spending so much money on recruiting superstars to their team.
Resentment vs Anger
As we noted above, resentment is a particular flavor of anger. We experience anger when our boundaries are violated, or our expectations go unmet. For resentment to be present, there must be an element of unfairness to the situation.
Resentment vs Forgiveness
Dealing With Resentment
We all have to deal with resentment in our lives. I encourage you to think of resentment as natural and inevitable. As a human being, you cannot help but develop expectations, hopes, and dreams. When these plans don’t pan out, it is all-too-easy and natural to find aspects of the situation to resent. Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling resentful, try out the tricks below for letting go of resentment.
How To Let Go of Resentment
1) Don’t retaliate or avoid. We often want to get revenge when we feel resentment, to restore balance or justice to the situation. Or we try to avoid thinking about the situation at all. Both of these actions will make things worse. Instead, focus on making internal changes.
2) Check your entitlement. You might ask yourself, “Did I have unrealistic expectations for the situation? Was I expecting special treatment? Did I believe that someone owed me something?” If you can identify a mismatch between your expectations and what was likely to happen, you may reduce your resentment.
3) Accept what happened. You cannot control anything about the past. All you can control is your reaction in this moment. Acceptance can be a good way to do that.
4) Forgive what you can. Most of the things that go wrong in our lives weren’t done intentionally. People are trying their best, even when they hurt you. See if you can find it in yourself to forgive.
5) Find something to be grateful for. This might involve trying to empathize with the other party in the situation, looking for a silver lining, or finding a humorous aspect of the situation. Remember, gratitude for the situation is the opposite of resentment.
If you want more advice, check out this quick video from psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson, who offers a helpful angle on why another person’s happiness doesn’t have to make us resentful.
Video: How to Stop Being Resentful
Resentment Quotes
- “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Saint Augustine
- “A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.” – John Wooden
- “To show resentment at a reproach is to acknowledge that one may have deserved it.” – Tacitus
- “Expectations are resentments under construction.” – Anne Lamott
- “Resentments, carried too far, expose us to a fate analogous to that of the fishhawk, when he strikes his talons too deep into a fish beyond his capacity to lift, and is carried under and drowned by it.” – Christian Nestell Bovee
- “Expect much from yourself and little from others and you will avoid incurring resentments.” – Confucius
Articles Related to Resentment
Books Related to Resentment
Final Thoughts on Resentment
Members of Twelve Step recovery groups place a big focus on resentments. In fact, one of the steps in their recovery consists of listing out every single resentment they can think of, then telling all those resentments to their sponsor (their mentor in recovery). I share this example with you to emphasize how commonplace – and significant – resentments are in our lives. We don’t want to hold on to this ubiquitous, but poisonous, feeling. So when you feel resentment, I encourage you to try to break that spell. It will always be better for your mind and body than holding onto a grudge.
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References
- Feather, N. T., & Sherman, R. (2002). Envy, resentment, schadenfreude, and sympathy: Reactions to deserved and undeserved achievement and subsequent failure. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(7), 953-961.
- Kinder, D., & Sanders, L. (1996). Divided by color: Racial politics and democratic ideals. University of Chicago Press.
- Mark, M. M., & Folger, R. (1984). Responses to relative deprivation: A conceptual framework. Review of Personality & Social Psychology, 5, 192–218.
- Nauta, R., & Derckx, L. (2007). Why sin?— A test and an exploration of the social and psychological context of resentment and desire. Pastoral Psychology, 56, 177–188.
- Nietzsche, F. (2006). The genealogy of morals. Cambridge University Press.
- Oatley, K. (2009). An emotion’s emergence, unfolding, and potential for empathy: a study of resentment by the “psychologist of Avon”. Emotion Review, 1(1), 24-30.
- O’Dwyer, S. (2020). Meritocracy and resentment. Philosophy and Social Criticism, 46(9), 1146-1164.
- Pietraszkiewicz, A., & Wojciszke, B. (2014). Joy, schadenfreude, sorrow, and resentment as responses restoring balance in cognitive units. Social Psychology, 45(4), 274–285.
- Rawls, J. (1971). A theory of justice. Cambridge University Press.
- Roberts, R. (2004). The blessings of gratitude: A conceptual analysis. In R. Emmons & M. McCullough (Eds.), The Psychology of Gratitude, pp. 58–79. Oxford University Press.
- Runciman, W. G. (1966). Relative deprivation and social justice. Routledge Kegan Paul.
- Tajfel, H., & Turner, J. C. (1986). The social identity theory of inter group behavior. In S. Worchel & W. G. Austin (Eds.), Psychology of intergroup relations. Chicago: Nelson.
- Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 590–597.
- Worthington, E. L., & Wade, N. G. (1999). The psychology of unforgiveness and forgiveness and implications for clinical practice. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 18(4), 385-418.
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