Definition, Examples, & How To Gain It

But, rarely do I remember being taught in school the importance of respecting myself. I can anticipate many of you reading this may also relate to that sentiment. As a society, we are often taught to show respect for others (which is great!), but are seldom educated on the importance of practicing self-respect. Although this isn’t kindergarten and I’m not your teacher, it’s never too late to learn something new or sharpen your knowledge. So come on in and grab a number 2 pencil—we’re going back to school today and this time, we’re learning self-respect.
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The first portion of our lesson plan is to learn the definition of self-respect. Experts have defined self-respect in a myriad of ways and in a variety of contexts, but a common understanding of self-respect is as follows. Psychological researchers, in particular, may often define self-respect as an act of honoring your needs and desires, understanding your worth, and making choices that enable you to keep your dignity (Dillon, 2013). Self-respect remains important because it helps us to work through challenges, build resilience in life, and maintain our emotional health. Many researchers also argue that self-respect is closely related to our understanding of self-esteem and our behaviors of self-love. We will discuss some of the nuances between these concepts a bit later. 

But first, I want to offer an optional activity for you to do as you continue reading. Take out a piece of paper (or more likely, your choice of document or notes app on your device) and get your thinking cap ready. Reflect upon what your personal definition of self-respect is and then write it down. Then make three columns. Label the first column: “Values”; the second column: “Behaviors”; and the third column: “Concerns.” 

In your values column, make a list of what is important to you. This includes your wants, needs, and values. In your behaviors column, make a list of how you honor the wants and needs that you listed in the first column. And in the concerns column, make a list of actions that ignore or negate your values. These can be general actions or specific examples of how you failed to live your values (e.g., maybe you disrespected yourself or tolerated disrespect from others).

The definition at the top and these three columns now offer you a blueprint of what self-respect means to you and how you can slowly learn to respect yourself more. This activity may not be helpful for everyone out there, but it can help you think about what is important to you and what actions need changing.

You may already know the answer to this, but the opposite of self-respect is disrespect. But what exactly does this look like? Here are some examples of how you might be disrespecting yourself:

• You may participate in negative self-talk (e.g., I’m not good enough, I can never do anything right, etc.)
• You may let people invade your boundaries
• You may have a hard time saying “no” which results in you being taken advantage of
• You may undervalue your talents, achievements, and character
• You may not take time to practice self-care 
• You may think too much about what other people think of you rather than focusing on what you think about yourself
• You may not honor your wants and needs ​

Self-respect and self-esteem are undoubtedly related concepts. However, they do have subtle nuances. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how confident you are in your capabilities, and what you believe about your worth (Orth & Robins, 2014). If you have low self-esteem, you may find yourself feeling unworthy of love, incapable of accomplishing your goals, or jumping over hurdles in your life. Self-respect, on the other hand, is an action that is focused on how you understand your self-esteem and put those values into practice. Do you make choices that honor your needs? Are you in tune with what you want from life and go after those desires? Do you prioritize yourself, your psychological health, and your physical health? Self-esteem is something we have, while self-respect is something we have and something we intentionally do.

Perhaps you’ve read this far and realized that maybe you could be just a bit better off if you practiced self-respect more often. But for many of us, it’s hard to change core beliefs and old habits, especially if we don’t know where to begin. This upcoming list is by no means exhaustive, but we do hope it provides you with a place to start. Check out these examples of how to increase your self-respect.

• Reflect on your values. Similar to the exercise we outlined earlier in this article, it is helpful to make a list of what you value in life, what your needs are, and what you want from life. For example, one of the things I value in life is loyalty. I not only desire to have loyal friends and family members, but I also make a conscious commitment to creating and building relationships built upon trust and loyalty. Being intentional about my relationships is a need in my life, and I try to respect myself by both communicating and showing my friends what loyalty looks like in my life. Think about what values you have and how you go about living them each day (or perhaps, what you may need to improve upon). 

 

• Take a look at your relationships with others. Let’s go back to my example of loyalty with relationships. A good way to know if you are respecting yourself is by understanding how the people around you may also be treating you. This may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. How we respect and treat ourselves is a great indicator of how other people learn to treat us too. If you find yourself feeling neglected, disrespected, or unsupported by some of the people around you, look at how you can make changes to that relationship. Maybe you spend less time with them, or you communicate what you’re noticing, or perhaps you set boundaries with the energy vampires or soul-suckers in your life. The takeaway is you get to decide what you’ll tolerate from others, and a good way to respect yourself is to not bend over backward for the folks in your life who cross your boundaries. 

 

• Practice self-care. Why, you ask? First and foremost, you deserve it. But secondly, when we make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually, we remind ourselves that we are worthy of love, respect, and happiness. The more we appreciate who we are and give attention to our needs and wants, the more we make self-respect a priority in our lives. 

 

• Don’t be so hard on yourself. No critic outside of ourselves is louder than the one that lives inside. We all mess up from time to time. It’s important to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings and to apologize with grace when we make mistakes. But this doesn’t give us the right to talk negatively to or about ourselves. If you wouldn’t say the mean things that you say to yourself to your friend, it may be worthwhile to stop saying them to you too. How we speak to ourselves can be indicative of how we treat ourselves. If we aren’t saying nice things, chances are, we’re not doing nice things to ourselves either. And self-respect requires us to show up to ourselves with care. 

 

• Do more things you enjoy. ​​Do you have a favorite hobby but don’t have time for it? Is there an activity that you like to do, even if you’re not good at it? Are there things you like to do that no one else does? If you answered yes to any of those questions, here is my advice to you. Do them anyway. Find the time, remind yourself you don’t need to do things well to enjoy them, and tell yourself it’s okay to do things alone. Whether it’s brushing up on your sewing skills, trying a new bit for your stand-up comedy, or hiking in the mountains, take the time out of your schedule and surround yourself with activities you enjoy. When we nurture our souls, we learn to be more self-respecting. ​

Worldwide, multiculturally, and generationally, women have been given less power over their rights, roles, and ultimately, lives. Women have historically been socialized to be caregivers, loving mothers, and supportive wives. Even though women today fight for gender equality, try to break barriers, and step into their power, the lingering effects of traditional gender roles remain. While this is not true for every woman, some women may especially struggle with saying “no”, enforcing their boundaries, or people-please in situations where their needs and desires are not made a priority. If this is you, how can you work through this?

Therapist Julia Kristina talks about how to gain self-respect and encourage boundaries for women in this video below.

Need some words to inspire you to respect yourself some more? Look no further. Here are some of our favorite quotes.

• “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.” – Robert Tew
• “Ego is false confidence, self-respect is true confidence.” – Naval Ravikant 
• “If you have earned your self-respect, respect by others is a luxury; if you haven’t, respect by others is a necessity.” – Nassim Nicholas Taleb
• “Only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky 
• “Never trade respect for attention.” – Mel Robbins 
• “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt 
• “Character—the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.” – Joan Didion
• “The respect you show to others (or lack thereof) is an immediate reflection on your self-respect.” – Alex Elle 
• “When you tolerate disrespectful people, you disrespect yourself.” – Wayne Gerard Trotman ​

If you’d like to keep learning more, here are a few books that you might be interested in.

• ​The Search for Self-Respect​
• Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem
• Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are
• Love Yourself First!: Boost your self-esteem in 30 Days (Change your habits, change your life)
• Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

• ​Dillon, R. S. (2013). Dignity, character and self-respect. Routledge.
• Lips, H. M. (2016). A new psychology of women: Gender, culture, and ethnicity. Waveland Press. 
• Luchies, L. B., Finkel, E. J., McNulty, J. K., & Kumashiro, M. (2010). The doormat effect: when forgiving erodes self-respect and self-concept clarity. Journal of personality and social psychology, 98(5), 734-749. 
• Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current directions in psychological science, 23(5), 381-387.