Losing Yourself: Definition & Examples

Before we can get into what it means to lose yourself, we need to clarify what we mean by ‘yourself’. The self is a cryptic term that we use to refer to multiple facets of our existence as a human. Taking a high-level approach to understanding the term, ‘self’ can be used to refer to two experiential themes : (1) Our bodily self that is the center of our first-hand experience of the world, and (2) our narrative self that weaves together our history, experiences, interests, social roles, relationships, values, and aspirations into a fluid but coherent identity (Milliere, 2017).

Each of these elements around which our identities are organized provides a set of behavioral standards and expectations, a sort of framework that helps shape our actions and perceptions (Eifert et al., 2015). When we lose one of our pillars of self we’re left with a void in our identity and buckling of the structure that mediated our interactions with the world. This leaves us feeling distant or disconnected from ourselves—like we’re losing ourselves.

While many forms of service can create a loss of self, disruptions in the sense of self are a particularly prevalent issue among informal caregivers and parents.

Caregivers​
Informal caregivers are usually family members or friends that help someone with their activities of daily living such as cooking, bathing, dressing, mobility, etc. Researchers suggest that the role of caregiver can consume the majority of our time, leaving little opportunity to engage in activities or behaviors that may have once been a part of our identity, which ultimately disrupts our sense of self.  In the instance of children caring for their parents, the shifting of roles from child to caregiver can also have an impact on identity (Eifert et al., 2015).

Parents
Parents are also especially prone to feeling like they have lost themselves. This may not be terribly surprising considering the responsibilities of a parent. Our kids become our whole world, we organize every facet of our lives around their happiness and well-being, and that’s beautiful, but it can also distance us from ourselves in a way that is more of a loss than a sacrifice. Time is tragically finite and it is all too easy to spend all of it on our children, but the less time we spend reaffirming the pieces of our identity with our actions, the more our identities crumble.

Illness can decimate our sense of self by limiting our ability to engage in activities by which we define ourselves, diminishing our autonomy over our lives and our future, and making us feel unsafe in our bodies. Being incapacitated by illness and needing help can make us feel like a burden which can challenge our previously held conception of ourselves as capable and independent as well as dramatically change our roles in our social relationships. Illness also commonly creates financial crises and family strain, which negatively impact self-esteem and self-concept (Charmaz, 1983).

It can be hard to tell the difference between healthy changes to your identity that occur as a function of age and losing who you are. Sometimes losing yourself happens suddenly and dramatically, other times it is a gradual, more subtle process. If you feel like you might be losing yourself but aren’t sure, here are a few signs to look out for:

• Not giving yourself enough alone time
• Negative self-talk
• Not taking care of yourself
• Seeking approval from others
• Losing interest in things you used to care about
• Not knowing what your preferences and needs are
• Feeling powerless

We get so wrapped up in our identities, in our desire to be accepted by those around us and to live up to our own standards that in the morass of expectations we lose touch with our true nature. The burden of the narrative we construct for ourselves and constantly seek to maintain can obscure what it is that actually moves us, fulfills us, and brings us to life.
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This is where we might benefit from losing ourselves for a little bit. If we temporarily shed our narrative identity, we might be able to get back in touch with our authentic selves. Researchers and clinicians refer to the shedding of our narrative self as ego dissolution. One way that people commonly experience ego dissolution is through psychedelic drugs such as psilocybin (magic mushrooms), LSD, or DMT. Sufficient doses of these and similar drugs will change the way the brain processes information related to ourselves, known as self-referential processing. Ego dissolution occurs when the brain networks that support self-referential processing are temporarily offline (Lebedev et al., 2015). When the narrative self is quiet, we are left with pure subjective experience—what might be considered our true, authentic self.

In studies that explored the effect of psychedelics administered in a therapeutic context, participants often reported experiencing a loss of subjective self-identity, unity with the universe, loss of boundaries between self and the environment, and feeling unreal or detached from their mental processes (Milliere, 2017). Importantly, research also shows that time spent in this egoless state is associated with a stronger sense of self, greater self-compassion, and reductions in depression and anxiety in the days and weeks after the experience of ego dissolution (Wellander, 2022).

• “A man does not really begin to be alive until he has lost himself, until he has released the anxious grasp which he normally holds upon his life, his property, his reputation and position.”  Alan W. Watts
• “When you lose touch with yourself you lose yourself in the world.” – Eckhart Tolle
• “One of the greatest tragedies is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else.” – K.L Toth
• “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” – Ernest Hemingway
• “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” – Toni Morrison
• “Once you don’t have freedom and you’re obliged to do many things you don’t want, and it becomes a routine, then your identity is at stake because you can feel that you are not anymore yourself, that you are what they want you to be – and you can lose yourself.” – Ingrid Betancourt
• “The surest way to lose your self-worth is by trying to find it through the eyes of others.” Becca Lee

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:​​​

• ​​Charmaz, K. (1983). Loss of self: a fundamental form of suffering in the chronically ill. Sociology of health & illness, 5(2), 168-195.
• Perel, E. (2022, August 18). From Esther Perel’s blog – why modern love is so damn hard. Esther Perel’s Blog. Retrieved September 1, 2022.
• Eifert, E., Adams, R., Dudley, W., & Perko, M. (2015) Family Caregiver Identity: A Literature Review, American Journal of Health Education, 46:6, 357-367, DOI: 10.1080/19325037.2015.1099482
• Lebedev, A. V., Lövdén, M., Rosenthal, G., Feilding, A., Nutt, D. J., & Carhart‐Harris, R. L. (2015). Finding the self by losing the self: Neural correlates of ego‐dissolution under psilocybin. Human brain mapping, 36(8), 3137-3153.
• Millière R (2017) Looking for the Self: Phenomenology, Neurophysiology and Philosophical Significance of Drug-induced Ego Dissolution. Front. Hum. Neurosci. 11:245. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2017.00245
• Wellander, K. (2022). Prescribed ego-death: the therapeutic effects found in the psychedelic-Induced absence of self.