Apologizing: Definition, Examples, & Tips

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We hear the words, “I’m sorry”, all the time. We may utter the words if we accidentally bump into someone on the street or even if we didn’t hear someone properly. But the phrase, “I’m sorry”, isn’t always just about simple mistakes. Sometimes we can really hurt the people in our lives with our words and actions which may often require an apology. 

Apologizing is the act of expressing regret or remorse to someone when you have done something wrong. A sincere and genuine apology goes beyond just saying “I’m sorry.” A good example of an apology can include the following ingredients:

1. Acknowledgment and responsibility for your actions
2. Regret about how you made the other person(s) feel 
3. An intent to change your behavior (and following through with your intent) so you don’t make the same mistake again
4. Asking what you could to do make amends

Apologies can help the wrongdoer take responsibility for their actions and help reduce any guilt they may hold about their behavior. Subsequently, a good apology can make the person who was wronged feel better, heard, and understood. Apologies can be a great source of building communication between you and your relationships and can allow an opportunity to learn from your mistakes (Howell, Turowski, & Buro, 2012; Schumann & Dweck, 2014).

Learning how to give a sincere apology is crucial for healthy relationships. Good apologies can be effective and transformative. Check out this video about the power of apologizing by playwright Eve Ensler. ​

A critical key to apologizing sincerely is saying your apology with empathy. It may not have been your intention to hurt someone, but you still made an impact on them that caused hurt. Being able to see how they felt in this situation and understanding how it could have affected them is what being empathetic encompasses. 

Here are some examples of apologizing sincerely:

• If you had to cancel plans at the last minute: I am so sorry I had to cancel our dinner when you had already made it to the restaurant. I should have let you know in advance that I was having a long day and wouldn’t be able to be present with you. You deserve to be treated with more respect and I will ensure that I give you that next time. 

 

• If you took a joke too far: I am truly sorry for poking fun at you. Although it wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings, I recognize that my words were hurtful. What can I do to make this better?

 

• If you broke a nice vase at your friend’s house: I am sorry and feel awful about accidentally breaking your vase. It was beautiful and I should have been much more careful. I am happy to cover the cost and buy you a new one. What type of vase would you like?

As you may notice, apologies can be expressed in a myriad of ways. In order to be sincere, it is important to be empathetic, put the other person’s feelings first, and personalize your apology to fit the situation.

Apologizing via a screen can often look different than apologizing to someone in person. Typically, you may find yourself using email to apologize in work-related contexts. 

Here are some examples to use if you are apologizing through email:

• I apologize for the confusion my last email caused. Let me clarify what I meant. 
• My apologies for the delay in sending you the spreadsheet. I wanted to make sure that it was complete and up to standards. Please let me know how I can support you.
• Unfortunately, I am dealing with a situation outside of work that is occupying my mental capacity. Because of this, I will not be able to get you this document until next week. I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience and aim to send it to you as soon as possible.
• I made a terrible mistake and sent our client the wrong information. I have since cleared it up with them. I will be sure to be more watchful and cognizant of my work. ​

Friendships often require apologies. Arguments between you and a friend can of course be frustrating. However, no relationship comes without challenges. Good friendships allow you to find healthy boundaries and encourage you to openly communicate with one another when mistakes happen or feelings are hurt. 

Here are some ways to apologize to a friend:

• If you said something critical about them: It was not fair of me to say that about you and I feel awful for how that came off and made you feel. I am so sorry for hurting your feelings. 
• If you said something behind their back: I should have come to you first about our issues rather than telling other people. I am sorry for what I said to you when I was hurt. I know that hurt you and I regret that.
• If you have a misunderstanding: I think what I said came across as hurtful. I noticed you looking upset and I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. What I actually meant to say was ________. ​

Just like friendships, challenges with partners are also normal parts of the relationship. While we all wish we could stay in the honeymoon phase forever, there are times we may say things to our partners that we regret. 

Here are some ways of mitigating the hurt we could have caused through an apology:

• If you forgot your anniversary: I am so sorry for forgetting such an important day. It doesn’t matter how busy or tired I was, this is a day that I should have remembered. I know this hurt your feelings deeply and I truly apologize for causing you that pain. You are so important to me. What can I do to make this up to you?

 

• If you got into an argument: I am sorry for what I said to you when I was upset. That was unfair to you and I should have taken more time to calm my feelings down before starting an argument. 

 

• If you did something to hurt their feelings in general: I’m really sorry that my actions caused you pain. I should have been more mindful about how you would feel. I love you and I hope you can find a way to forgive me. ​​

In psychological research, it is common knowledge that women are significantly more likely to apologize for mistakes—no matter how small—than their male counterparts (Schumann & Ross, 2010).

In contexts where apologies are not necessary, you may consider using the following alternatives:

• Instead of apologizing for sending a text or email late: Thank you so much for your patience with me.
• Instead of apologizing for respecting your boundaries and prioritizing self-care: Thank you for the opportunity, but I am not able to do this at this time. 
• Instead of apologizing for rejecting someone: Thank you, but I am not interested. 

A lack of an apology does not mean a lack of politeness or respect. You can still be courteous without using the words, “I’m sorry.

Sometimes, quotes can be a great source of inspiration and provide different perspectives on a topic. In need of some wise words about apologies? Look no further. 

• “Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.” – Kevin Hancock
• “Apologies are great, but they don’t really change anything. You know what does? Action.” – Stella Young
• “Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless.” – Bryan Davis
• “More people should apologize, and more people should accept apologies when sincerely made.” – Greg LeMond
• “Apologizing does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.” – Mark Matthews
• “I believe that things should be let go once they are discussed. Apology accepted. End of story.” – Brad Goreski
• “Apologies require vulnerability.” – Jennifer Thomas
• “A meaningful apology is one that communicates three R’s: regret, responsibility, and remedy.” – Beverley Engel
• “When anger and bitterness overpower your goodness, you can neither apologize nor forgive.” – Balroop Singh
• “​​Any good apology has 3 parts: 1) I’m sorry; 2) It’s my fault; and 3) What can I do to make it right? Most people forget the third part.” – Unknown

If you enjoyed this read so far, you might consider exploring these books about apologizing.  
You may even be interested in these children’s books about the young people in your life. 

• Howell, A. J., Turowski, J. B., & Buro, K. (2012). Guilt, empathy, and apology. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(7), 917-922.
• Schumann, K., & Dweck, C. S. (2014). Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 40(12), 1598-1610.
• Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior. Psychological Science, 21(11), 1649-1655.​