Secure Attachment: Definition, Examples, & Theory

Secure attachment is a way of existing in the world and relating to other people (Bowlby, 1979). It is a way of interacting in which we can create, establish, and maintain healthy relationships. We are secure in our abilities to depend upon other people, while also maintaining independence. We can move closer to and further away from other people as we need to.

People with secure attachment see the people they are close to – whom in attachment theory we often call “attachment figures” – as both a safe haven and a secure base (Bowlby, 1979). This is probably easier to understand if we think about secure attachment among children first. A securely attached child sees their caregiver as a safe haven: when they are worried or stressed out, they know they can turn to the caregiver for reassurance and support. They also see their caregiver as a secure base – somebody from whom they can safely venture out into the world and explore.​

In adult relationships, secure attachment looks similar: it means you can confide in and trust the person, but also trust them to support you as you pursue an independent existence. Importantly, people with secure attachment are able to do this because they know how to ask for both closeness and distance, and they trust other people will not reject them for these needs.

​​Another way to look at secure attachment is through the official measures that psychologists have created to measure it. For example, the main scale that psychologists use to study attachment in adults breaks down into subscales measuring the ability to be close to others, the ability to depend on others, and fear of being alone or unloved (Kazan & Shaver, 1987). People with a high ability to be close to others, a high ability to depend on others, and low fear of being alone and unloved are said to be securely attached; they also experience more trust in other people, higher self-esteem, and show more positive beliefs about human nature (Collins & Read, 1990).

The concept of secure attachment is important because it can explain a great deal of how we perceive the world and because it has been related to better well-being outcomes in many studies (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012). People with secure attachment walk around generally expecting the people they meet to be responsive to them; they trust others, feel good about themselves, and have more love in their lives than people with insecure attachment styles (Feeney & Noller, 1990). (More on insecure attachment styles in a moment.) All of this makes people with secure attachment less likely to struggle with emotion regulation, interpersonal challenges, and mental health diagnoses (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012).

Our attachment styles form in childhood and are relatively stable as we age (Fraley, 2002). As a therapist, knowing this has often helped me understand my clients quickly. If a client fills out an attachment scale and their scores suggest they are relatively securely attached, I can assume (although I will ask questions to confirm my suspicions) that they probably have or have had some relationships that were close and supportive. This likely includes at least one attachment figure from their childhood, whether it is a parent, grandparent, family friend, or a coach or mentor.​

As I’ve already hinted at, people with secure attachment styles tend to be psychologically healthier than people with insecure attachment styles. I’ll share a very interesting research study to illustrate this. Researchers determined the attachment styles of a group of scientists, then observed how these scientists fared psychologically as they worked at an extremely remote Antarctic research station for 12 months (Caputo et al., 2020).

There are two primary, fascinating findings in this study. First, people with secure attachment styles reported less psychological stress and showed little reactivity to stress in their bodies. Second, their genes associated with stress changed much less over the 12 months than the genes of people with less secure attachment styles. The researchers observed that people with secure attachments seem to be more resilient in the face of stress.

Experimental research suggests that it is the imagining or recalling of attachment figures – people with whom we have experienced secure attachment – that helps us deal effectively with stress. For example, people who cope with frightening situations by thinking of people close to them are less fearful of those situations when they encounter them again (Toumbelekis et al., 2021) – and this is something that it is much easier to do when you are securely attached.

There is also research that indicates that people with more secure attachment are more effective leaders in their professional roles (Ronen & Zuroff, 2017). This seems to be attributable to their ability to form effective relationships and manage conflict.​

Secure attachment is established by the important relationships in our lives – none more important than those with our childhood caregivers (Bowlby, 1979). Attachment theory states that each of us creates an “internal working model” of how people relate to each other based on our earliest interactions with other people. People whose earliest experiences feature responsive, warm, and consistent caregiving come to expect the same from interactions with other people moving forward in their lives. A person who experienced the world this way from an early age sees themselves as worthy of love and attention, sees other people as trustworthy and good, and expects to be able to have connection and independence, as they need it, in their interpersonal relationships.

While early experiences set the foundation for a secure attachment style, adults who did not have responsive and consistent caregivers in childhood can still become securely attached to others when they grow up. This is because each and every relationship has the potential for secure attachment, as long as both people are able to work at it and establish it (Fraley, 2002). In my opinion, a common task for couple therapists is to support their clients in establishing secure attachment for the first time with their partners or spouses. Through deliberate efforts, partners can become safe havens and secure bases for each other (Johnson, 2019).​

Imagine a husband and wife having an argument. The wife voices frustration at the husband’s behavior, even though she knows the topic is a vulnerable one for him. He is initially upset but asks for a short break and says he will come back to her to discuss it. After calling a friend of his to talk it through, he returns to his wife, apologizes for his behavior, and asks how he can do better next time. She makes a vulnerable request for what she needs.

​Both spouses in this scenario demonstrate examples of secure attachment. The wife knew she could raise an issue that was sensitive for her husband – she did not avoid it out of fear of pushing him away or hurting him too much. The husband leaned on a friend for support, instead of trying to deal with it all on his own. He then came back and worked to repair the harm in the relationship, and his wife put her needs out there. These are all the actions of two people that trust that their relationship is resilient enough to handle conflict and that they will continue to love each other through disagreement.

Secure attachment in adults has several key components (Brennan et al., 1998). Securely attached adults are not overly worried about rejection or abandonment, are responsive to their loved ones (and expect the same from their loved ones), and feel good about getting close to and depending on their loved ones (although not to the point of codependency).​

I have written repeatedly here about insecure attachment, and it is simply the absence of secure attachment. People with insecure attachment styles are mostly either overly anxious about attachment or overly avoidant of attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). They learned from an early age that attachment figures might not be available when they were needed, or they might be ineffective when they were available. To cope with this situation, the child found that what worked best was to try extra hard to get their needs met by their attachment figures or to keep other people at a distance and handle their emotions on their own. (A small group of people swing back and forth between these attachment styles.)

People with insecure attachment styles experience the world as more threatening – their brain scans even demonstrate this (Karremans et al., 2011). They have become accustomed, typically through a great many distressing personal experiences, to expect that help will not be readily available when they are in a challenging situation.​

One of the most popular and effective therapies for couples – Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – is based entirely on the premise of attachment theory (Johnson, 2019). EFT therapists help couples experience moments of secure attachment with each other, and healthier relationships result. This is also no small task because most couples that seek therapy do so because their insecure attachment styles make it harder to get and stay close to each other (Simpson, 1990). At the heart of almost all healthy relationships, however, is a foundation of secure attachment that allows the couple to navigate life’s challenges together.​

People in therapy themselves have provided insight into how secure attachment is developed (Dansby Olufowote et al., 2020). Clinicians can become attachment figures for clients, and through bravely engaging in secure attachment behaviors, clients can develop that sense of secure attachment. This primarily takes the form of asking for support, showing vulnerability, and learning that a reasonable amount of dependence on another person is safe and helpful.

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