How To Forgive Someone: Examples & Tips

Although it may seem easy to explain how to forgive someone (or how they might forgive us), it’s actually not. As we grow up (or mature) our perspectives (beliefs), expressions, and experiences of forgiveness change.
​
Our beliefs tend to affect our experiences in the following ways:

Belief > Thought > Emotion > Behavior > Experience

So, when our belief about what forgiveness is changes, our thoughts about forgiveness change, our emotions related to forgiveness change, our behaviors (or expressions of forgiveness) change, and our experience of forgiveness changes. It changes everything!

So when, and how, does forgiveness change?

Life stages—or developmental stages—represent the different perspectives we shift in and out of as we go through life. Each stage has a dominating worldview or perspective (Wilber, 2007). This dominating perspective affects how we view every single thing in our lives (O’Fallon, 2010), including forgiveness. In other words, we define forgiveness differently at the different stages of development. So how we forgive someone depends on our stage of development. 

The 8 Life Stages

• I am my body
• I am my personality
• I am my actions 
• I am my outcomes
• I am my values
• I am my patterns 
• I am my awareness
• I am

​
In the next sections, I’ll explore how these changing perspectives (at each life stage) are likely to affect how we forgive someone. I’ll refer to the colors to represent each of the above stages. If you want to learn more about the stages themselves, check out this article on life stages.

First, I asked my audience to fill in the blank, “Forgiveness is…” 

Many people’s answers involved 3 parts: 

1. Letting go, moving on, or accepting of
2. Personal grudges or grievances regarding
3. Others’ mistakes, errors, wrongs, faults, or hurting us.

These answers help us understand what most people’s definition of forgiveness is. And this definition is largely consistent with how we psychologists teach forgiveness.

Teaching People How To Forgive Someone
Most existing practices that help teach people forgiveness are written at the yellow or green stages (related to actions and outcomes) and use a definition very similar to the one my audience provided. However, people who are at earlier or later stages may feel confused by the language used to describe forgiveness, as it does not refer to the world as everyone sees it (Wilber, 2007).

So, in the following sections, we’ll try to define how people see the world at different stages, how this affects the forgiveness process, and how to forgive someone in each of the life stages.

At the red stage, our dominating perspective is self-focused or body-focused. We feel that if we can just meet our own immediate needs, we’ll be happy. We haven’t yet developed empathy or effective introspection abilities. Approximately 5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?
​At this stage, we are focused on our personal needs. Someone can “wrong” us by putting their needs above ours, and we may develop a grievance against them. If they show that they can put our needs first again, we can forgive them.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Personal grudges or grievances regarding (At this stage, we won’t yet be able to look at our own responses and view our thoughts and emotions about the experience. )
3. Others’ failure to put our needs before their own. 

Forgiveness at this stage is simple. We might get angry and then forgive very quickly as people either meet or don’t meet our needs in that present moment.

At the orange stage, our dominating perspective is personality-focused or peer group-focused. We feel that if we are completely accepted by our small group (family, social group, religion, race, political group, etc…), we’ll be happy. Approximately 10% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?
At this stage, we are focused on our peer group’s needs. Someone can “wrong” us by going against the group, and we may develop a grievance against them. If they then show their loyalty to the group, we can forgive them.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Peer group-based grudges or grievances regarding (At this stage, we won’t yet be able to look at our own responses, but we can see our peer group’s grudges or grievances)
3. Others’ failure to put the group’s needs before their own. 

Practicing forgiveness at this stage might involve using our new skill, empathy, to better understand another person.

At the yellow stage, our dominating perspective is action-focused or skill-focused. We feel that if we can just take the right actions, we’ll be happy. Approximately 37% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?
At this stage, we are focused on others’ “wrong action”, which can include actions that cause grievances at the earlier stages as well as additional actions. Someone can “wrong” us by taking an action we don’t approve of (“wrong action”), and we may develop a grievance against them (for example, they may say or do something that hurts our feelings). If they then make up for the “wrong actions” with “right actions”(however we define that), we can forgive them.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Personal grudges or grievances regarding 
3. Others’ failure to engage in actions that we believe to be correct 

This is the first stage for which we can begin to see our own internal reactions to the situation. Thus, practicing forgiveness at this stage might involve using empathy to better understand why the other person may have acted as they did and introspection to better understand why we feel the way we do about the situation.

At the green stage, our dominating perspective is outcome-focused or achievement-focused. We feel that if we can just achieve the right things or have the right experiences, we’ll be happy. Approximately 30% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 
​
What Needs To Be Forgiven?
At this stage, we are focused on outcomes. Someone can “wrong” us by taking away an outcome or experience that we want, regardless of whether they do so intentionally or not, and we may develop a grievance against them. If they then create positive outcomes for us, we can forgive them.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Personal grudges or grievances regarding
3. Others’ failure to create outcomes that we personally desire.

Practicing forgiveness at this stage might involve using empathy to better understand why the other person may have acted as they did and introspection to better understand why we feel the way we do about the situation. We can also now use our time perspective (i.e., reviewing their past behavior and predicting their future behavior) to determine the likelihood of this situation repeating itself. We will often choose to forgive and continue the relationship or not forgive and end the relationship.

At the teal stage, our dominating perspective is values-focused or understanding-focused. We feel that if we can just understand ourselves and others (and they can understand us), we’ll be happy. Approximately 11% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?​
At this stage, we are focused on understanding. Someone can “wrong” us by not listening to us or trying to understand our point of view. If they then show us that they can listen actively or listen empathetically to our thoughts and feelings, we can forgive them.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Personal grudges or grievances regarding
3. Others’ failure to understand us.

Practicing forgiveness at this stage might involve using empathy to better understand why the other person may have acted as they did and introspection to better understand why we feel the way we do about the situation. We might use our time perspective (i.e., reviewing their past behavior and predicting their future behavior) to determine the likelihood of this situation repeating itself.

​We also now strive to completely understand the other person’s perspective. Because we can more clearly see and understand others’ perspectives, we may forgive too easily and continue relationships that are ultimately not good for us.

At the blue stage, our dominating perspective is pattern-focused or process-focused. We feel that if we can just see through and undo our patterns, we’ll be happy. Approximately 5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?​
At this stage, we are focused on pattern recognition. Someone can “wrong” us by not accepting us for who we are (our unique patterns). If they then show that they can accept us, flaws and all, we can forgive them. 

At this stage, we are now just beginning to realize that people are patterns that are created by social conditioning. As a result, we start to see that the extent to which they have control over their behavior is limited. Thus, forgiving someone becomes more about our ability to let go of grudges and grievances and less about them changing who they are or making up for what they did (because we now understand that they may not be able to). 

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept
2. Personal grudges or grievances 
3. Others’ mistakes, errors, wrongs, faults, or hurting us. (At this stage, forgiveness becomes less about others “mistakes” and more about overcoming our grudges and grievances)

Practicing forgiveness at this stage might involve using empathy to better understand why the other person may have acted as they did and introspection to better understand why we feel the way we do about the situation. We might use our time perspective (i.e., reviewing their past behavior and predicting their future behavior) to determine the likelihood of this situation repeating itself. 

We understand the other person’s perspective but can also see their patterns and how little control they have over their behavior. Thus, we can forgive easily as we see how others are not as responsible for the behaviors as we once believed. This new clarity can help us better determine whether staying in a given relationship is good for us or not, but we can forgive regardless of whether or not we continue the relationship.

At the indigo stage, our dominating perspective is awareness-focused or consciousness-focused. We feel that if we can just become fully aware, we’ll be happy. Approximately 1.5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

​What Needs To Be Forgiven?
At this stage, our awareness reveals a new perspective. We now see that someone “wronging” us, making a mistake, or having faults are just perspectives, stories, and illusions. Thus, letting go, moving on, and accepting begins to happen on its own—really, it feels that there is nothing to accept. At this stage, all that’s left of forgiveness is bringing awareness to our own past grudges, grievances, or negative feelings—new grudges are not really forming anymore.

How To Forgive Someone:

1. Let go, move on, or accept (this is starting to become automatic—everything is just fine as it is)
2. Resolving old personal grudges or grievances 
3. Others’ mistakes, errors, wrongs, faults, or hurting us. (These concepts now seem like illusions and no longer make sense)

Practicing forgiveness at this stage involves the process of looking inward to better understand what is upsetting us. Is it something from the past? Is it a projection of our feelings about ourselves onto someone else? Is it really about a lack of self-love? Is it the ego trying to assert itself? 

Forgiveness now becomes a process of recognizing how others trigger us and using that as a catalyst to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. 

At the violet stage, our dominating perspective is oneness-focused. Acceptance has now infiltrated all of our experiences, and the idea of forgiveness has become moot and nonsensical. Approximately 0.5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

What Needs To Be Forgiven?​
At this stage, acceptance is automatic, self-reflection is automatic, and there is no such thing as “wronging” another person. Thus the whole concept of forgiveness falls apart and unconditional love becomes an inherent part of our human experience.

None of the steps below are involved:

1. Let go, move on, or accept 
2. Resolving old personal grudges or grievances 
3. Others’ mistakes, errors, wrongs, faults, or hurting us. 

By practicing forgiveness at the earlier stages, we allow ourselves to arrive at a stage where the components of forgiveness now seem like illusions, forgiveness happens on its own, the definition falls apart, and forgiveness (as defined in the previous stages) is no longer needed. 

• Cook-Greuter, S. (2014). Ego development: A full-spectrum theory of vertical growth and meaning making. mimeo, Wayland.
  
• O’Fallon, T. J. (2010). The Collapse of the Wilber Combs Matrix: The Interpenetration of the State and Structure Stages Terri J. O’Fallon Developmental Research Institute May 1, 2010.
  
• ​Wilber, K. (2007). Integral spirituality: A startling new role for religion in the modern and postmodern world. Shambhala Publications.