Loneliness: Definition, Quotes, & Symptoms

How do I feel in these moments? It really depends on what else is happening in my life. Sometimes, I am enthralled and excited by the activity of the city. Other times, I’m nostalgic for my past experiences with big-city living. And once in a while, I feel terribly lonely.

Loneliness, as we are about to see, is very contextual – a combination of life circumstances and the mood we are in that day. Let’s look at what psychology research has to say about why and when we feel lonely, and what we can do about it.​

And this brings us back to me in New York City, sitting at a countertop with a slice of pizza and watching the real New Yorkers rush by out on the street. What determines whether I feel lonely in this moment? I might feel lonely if I do not have plans with anybody, if I’m staying by myself in a hotel room, or if I do not have anything else to do. On the other hand, if I just saw a close friend, or am about to go to a work meeting, or am getting on a train back to my family in Boston in a few hours, I may not feel lonely, even as I’m sitting there alone.

In other words, whether I feel lonely is a function of how much I have met my fundamental need to belong socially in that moment (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). This is a universal need, present across all cultures, and it drives so many of our thoughts about our lives. If we go back far enough in time, or we look at how hunter-gatherer societies continue to function, we can see how social belonging is evolutionarily absolutely essential for our survival. This is why it can sometimes seem like life and death when we hear we have not been invited to a party, might have to miss a family member’s wedding, or learn that our best friend seems to be developing a close relationship with somebody new.

Loneliness vs Being Alone
​
​Importantly, it is not enough for us to be around other people for us not to feel lonely – the quality of our social contact matters, too (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). We have all probably had a moment when we felt like we were “alone in a crowded room”; this is an expression of loneliness. I have felt that way in New York City – amazed by how many people are around me, yet I am not connected to any of them.

Some research has found that people who are lonely and people who are not lonely are not actually that different, on average, in their social habits – they spend similar amounts of time with other people and engaged in activities they enjoy (Wheeler et al., 1983). Instead, it is about how meaningful that time with other people actually is for each person. So people who are lonely despite spending lots of time with other people are, for one reason or another, having a hard time feeling close to those people.

It is important to distinguish between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is associated with many benefits, such as the ability to regulate one’s emotions, be self-reflective, be creative, and concentrate more easily (Buchholz & Catton, 1999). Although we are human beings that need lots of contact with others, some solitude can be helpful, too.​

So just how common is feeling lonely? Across over 100 countries included in one study, around ten percent of adolescents often feel lonely; rates are somewhat lower for adults (Surkalim et al., 2022). In this study, at least, the rates of loneliness seemed to increase as people get older, although this is not always the case across the literature.
 
For people who are feeling lonely, there are real ramifications in terms of physical and mental health. Loneliness is associated with feeling more irritable and depressed, and even with an increased likelihood of dying earlier than expected given one’s demographics (Miller, 2011). This makes chronic loneliness a public health problem.​

How do we know when we are lonely? One way we can tell is when being social doesn’t feel safe (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). People who are lonely may feel more vulnerable in social situations, more exposed to and alert for possible social threats. This may lead them to have poorer sleep, so this can also be seen as a potential symptom of loneliness.

Loneliness is also associated with feelings of sadness and self-pity and with thoughts of wishing to be closer to people (Rubenstein & Shaver, 1982). When people are feeling lonely, they may alternatively feel desperation or boredom, or start to think judgmental thoughts about themselves. For example, sometimes I don’t schedule enough activities for myself on the weekend, and I find myself feeling bored and thinking, “Everybody else is having more fun than I am.” As we spend more time being lonely, we start to see ourselves as unattractive, unlovable, inferior, and socially incompetent (Heinrich & Gullone, 2006).

All of these unpleasant emotional and cognitive experiences can lead us to want to address our loneliness. It might seem simple or straightforward to just call a friend or family member in a moment like this, but often we are too discouraged to do so. I know from personal experience and from talking to many friends that we often turn to non-social solutions for our loneliness: watching TV, eating something, or even engaging in a compulsive or addictive behavior.​

Nobody likes feeling lonely, but there must be a reason the sensation has stuck around. Good old evolution must have a purpose for loneliness! Indeed, just like hunger tells us we need food, it is thought that loneliness tells us we need more (meaningful) social contact in our lives (Cacioppo et al., 2006). If we did not have an internal signal that told us we were disconnected from others, we might end up dangerously isolated – especially back in our hunter-gatherer days, when our dependence on being part of a group was absolute. So we must have evolved the experience of loneliness to motivate us to pursue more connection and to ultimately stay alive (Cacioppo et al., 2006).

At the same time – and this is where loneliness starts to seem less adaptive – loneliness seems to come with a host of other unpleasant and impairing symptoms, such as anxiety, sadness, and lowered self-esteem (Cacioppo et al., 2006). These feelings in turn seem to discourage us from seeking connection with others, or at least make it harder to take that step and get back into connection. Kind of like even when we are hungry, we still distrust certain foods, we might come to believe over time that, even though I am lonely, it is not safe to try to connect with others right now, or right here (Cacioppo et al., 2014). And just as our tongues have developed far more sensitivity to tastes that indicate a food might be poisonous, our brains are quite adept at noticing potential social threats. While it is probably safer to stay lonely than to try to connect with a dangerous person, this safety mechanism in our social processing can also keep us isolated when we really, deeply need social connection.

Loneliness may also be caused by situations that reduce our social connections – a breakup or being single, having few social activities, and having a depressed mood (Dahlberg et al., 2022). It is a relatively safe bet to assume that a person with minimal social connections is not going to be meeting their internal need to belong, and will be feeling lonely as a result.​

The cure for loneliness is reconnection with other people, the deepening of our social ties (Cacioppo et al., 2014). This can take many forms, but it essentially boils down to having higher-quality social connections (Barjakokva et al., 2023). Spending time in groups seems to be a very effective way to decrease one’s loneliness, although the quality of the connections within the group continues to matter (Bessaha et al., 2020). For people who are extremely lonely, psychologists have developed interventions that target social skills, self-regulation, and tools for asking for more social support – all abilities that should increase people’s ability to connect in meaningful ways (Eccles & Qualter, 2021). At the same time, some people benefit most from starting with individual therapy.

• “Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone, and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” —Pau Tillich
  
• “A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” —Mandy Hale
  
• “Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact.” —Martha Beck
  
• “The loneliness you feel is actually an opportunity to reconnect with others and yourself.” —Maxime Lagacé
  
• “When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death—ourselves.” —Eda J. LeShan
  
• “The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” —Michel de Montaigne
  

​Want to learn more? Check out these articles:

• Psychology of Stress: Definition, Examples, & Causes
• Abandonment: Definition, Issues, Symptoms, & Triggers
• Introversion: Definition, Quiz, & Traits of Introverts
• ​299 Deep Questions to Ask: A Guy, Girl, Friend, or Anyone​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

• Barjaková, M., Garnero, A., & d’Hombres, B. (2023). Risk factors for loneliness: A literature review. Social Science & Medicine, 116163.
• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.
• Bessaha, M. L., Sabbath, E. L., Morris, Z., Malik, S., Scheinfeld, L., & Saragossi, J. (2020). A systematic review of loneliness interventions among non-elderly adults. Clinical Social Work Journal, 48, 110-125.
• Buchholz, E. S., & Catton, R. (1999). Adolescents’ perceptions of aloneness and loneliness. Adolescence, 34(133), 203-204.
• Cacioppo, J. T., Cacioppo, S., & Boomsma, D. I. (2014). Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness. Cognition & Emotion, 28(1), 3-21.
• Cacioppo, J. T., Hawkley, L. C., Ernst, J. M., Burleson, M., Berntson, G. G., Nouriani, B., … Spiegel, D. (2006). Loneliness within a nomological net: An evolutionary perspective. Journal of Research in Personality, 40(6), 1054–1085.
• Dahlberg, L., McKee, K. J., Frank, A., & Naseer, M. (2022). A systematic review of longitudinal risk factors for loneliness in older adults. Aging & Mental Health, 26(2), 225-249.
• Eccles, A. M., & Qualter, P. (2021). Alleviating loneliness in young people–a meta‐analysis of interventions. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 26(1), 17-33.
• Ernst, M., Niederer, D., Werner, A. M., Czaja, S. J., Mikton, C., Ong, A. D., … & Beutel, M. E. (2022). Loneliness before and during the COVID-19 pandemic: A systematic review with meta-analysis. American Psychologist, 77(5), 660.
• Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218-227.
• Miller, G. (2011). Social neuroscience. Why loneliness is hazardous to your health. Science, 331, 138–140.
• Peplau, L. A., & Perlman, D. (1982). Perspectives on loneliness. In: L. A. Peplau (Ed), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy (pp. 1-8). Wiley.
• Rubenstein, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1982). The experience of loneliness. In L. A. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research, and therapy (pp. 206-223). Wiley – Interscience; New York.
• Surkalim, D. L., Luo, M., Eres, R., Gebel, K., van Buskirk, J., Bauman, A., & Ding, D. (2022). The prevalence of loneliness across 113 countries: systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ, 376, e067068.
• Twenge, J. M., Haidt, J., Blake, A. B., McAllister, C., Lemon, H., & Le Roy, A. (2021). Worldwide increases in adolescent loneliness. Journal of Adolescence, 93, 257-269.
• Wheeler, L., Reis, H., & Nezlek, J. B. (1983). Loneliness, social interaction, and sex roles. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(4), 943–953.