Empathic Listening: Definition, Examples, & Skills

Empathic listening is a type of listening that utilizes a combination of active listening, a reflection of feelings, and a questioning technique combined with the interpersonal ability of empathy to understand someone better intellectually and emotionally (Gearhart & Bodie, 2011). Simply put, to be an empathic listener, it is important to show intentional care and concern toward the speaker as they express their views or feelings. Offering this support as a listener not only allows the speaker to feel validated but can help us generate a more heartfelt response. 
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While empathic listening was largely developed by psychologist Carl Rogers, empathic listening became a highly popularized technique through Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Let’s learn a bit more about Covey’s teachings.

Of the seven habits, the fifth habit states, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Covey, 1989). What he means by this is that the primary concern should be to make the other person feel as though they’re understood before we think about how we’re going to reply to what they said. 

Covey breaks down what he believes are different levels of listening: 

• Level 1: Ignoring the other person entirely 
• Level 2: Pretending to listen to the person
• Level 3: Selectively listening to what they’re saying 
• Level 4: Attentively listening to them 
• Level 5: Listening to the speaker with empathy 

What do empathic listening skills mean, exactly? 
Covey explains that we shouldn’t just listen with our ears or try to understand the logic of what the speaker is saying. Covey says, “In empathetic listening, you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You use your right brain as well as your left. You sense, you intuit, you feel” (Covey, 1989).

In her book, All About Love: New Visions, bell hooks highlights empathic listening as a primary tenet for cultivating love. Before we discuss some tips on listening empathetically, here is a passage from her book that discusses the importance of listening in relationships and why we may sometimes experience a lack of empathic listening:

“Those of us who were wounded in childhood often were shamed and humiliated when we expressed hurt. It is emotionally devastating when the partners we have chosen will not listen. Usually, partners who are unable to respond compassionately when hearing us speak our pain, whether they understand it or not, are unable to listen because that expressed hurt triggers their own feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.

Empathic Listening for Men
Many men never want to feel helpless or vulnerable. They will, at times, choose to silence a partner with violence rather than witness emotional vulnerability. When a couple can identify this dynamic, they can work on the issue of caring, listening to each other’s pain by engaging in short conversations at appropriate times. Setting a time when both individuals come together to engage in compassionate listening enhances communication and connection. When we are committed to doing the work of love, we listen even when it hurts” (hooks 1999). 

While not all relationships or partnerships are created equal, and though you may not entirely relate to her example above, Bell Hooks offers insightful information about being more intentional as an empathic listener.

Here are some of her tips and other strategies to use to listen more empathically:

• When starting a conversation with someone, quiet your mind.
• Free yourself of any distractions (e.g., phone, music playing in the background).
• Take a moment of mindfulness to calm any intrusive thoughts that may hinder you from partaking in the listening experience.
• Set aside time to talk with a friend, partner, family member, or coworker to chat about any issues or express any feelings.
• Create a space of comfort and safety to have the conversation. 
• Listen with your ears and your heart.
• Listen without judgment.
• Avoid interrupting them or cutting off their sentences before finishing.
• Use appropriate nonverbal communication to show your understanding (e.g., nodding your head).
• Let the other person guide the conversation, especially if there are moments of silence or time they take to think. 
• Wait your turn to speak.
• Once you do speak, do so with an encouraging and supportive tone. 
• Reflect their feelings or statements back to them to clarify or ensure you understood what they said. 
• Act as a sounding board for the speaker. 
• Feel free to acknowledge their voice by saying things like “uh huh”.
• Ask open-ended questions to understand their emotions or perspectives better.
• It may be helpful not to discount how the other person is feeling, even if you would be feeling differently in the same situation. 
• Try your best to refrain from giving advice, unless the speaker asks. 
• Use kind and caring words or statements (see below for some examples). 
• While you listen, consider what the other person is feeling and try putting yourself in their position to understand their point of view better. ​

You may want to consider using some of the following phrases to show support and empathize when listening empathically to someone who is showing vulnerability and opening up to you.

• “Thank you for trusting me with this information” or “thank you for sharing.”
• “I can relate to what you are going through.”
• “I understand why you may be feeling that way.”
• “I’ve been there, and I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this situation right now.”
• “That sounds frustrating/challenging/tough.”
• “I didn’t even think of it that way; thank you for telling me about your point of view.”
• “I hear you, and your feelings are absolutely valid.”
• “That must be so hard; I am here for you in any way I can help.”
• “It sounds like you are doing the best you can.”
• “I’m so proud of you for holding your head up high even when things feel so low right now.”
• “If that happened to me, I would be feeling this way too.”
• “That really must have hurt your feelings.”
• “I can see how much you cared about that, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
• “I know it can often feel like you’re alone and that no one understands, but I hope you know I am here for you.”
• “I’m sure it feels easier to give up right now, but I’m so glad you keep going.”

Do you notice a pattern here? Several of these statements not only reflect how the speaker was feeling, but also validate their experience and express concern for them in a caring and sensitive way. While the above statements may not apply to every single conversation you have with someone, try using these phrases as an outline and adapt the language as necessary to your own unique situations.

In addition to the phrases listed above, it may often be helpful to ask open-ended questions to help the speaker open up more or provide further context. Here are some empathic questions you may want to consider asking as you respond:

• “You seem (insert emotion here) today. Would you like to talk about it?”
• “Is there anything on your mind that you want to chat about?”
• “How did you feel when that happened?”
• “What went through your mind when they said that?”
• “Can you tell me more about this?”
• “How is this affecting you right now?”
• “What were you hoping would happen?”
• “What would be most helpful for you right now?”
• “How are you taking care of yourself in this situation?”
• “What can I do to be of more support to you?”
• “Is there anything you need that could help this situation right now?”
• “What do you think is the best next step?”
• “How can we work together to improve this situation?”

Based on context, there are several other questions that you may think to ask. The key here is to make the majority of your questions open-ended to avoid short responses or yes/no answers. This allows the speaker to take some more time to think about how they may be feeling and give you more context to talk about the situation.

Here are a few quotes that might help inspire more empathetic listening.

• “Listening has the quality of the wizard’s alchemy. It has the power to melt armor and to produce beauty in the midst of hatred.” – Brian Muldoon
• “Being listened to by someone who understands makes it possible for persons to listen more accurately to themselves, with greater empathy toward their own visceral experiencing, their own vaguely felt meanings” – Carl Rogers
• “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
• “Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you are not alone’.” – Brené Brown
• “When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” – Ernest Hemingway 
• “When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking about what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say.” – Abraham Lincoln
• “To listen with empathy is the most important human skill.” – Stephen R. Covey

You may have stumbled upon this article thinking, “Well, sure, I know how to listen!” And while most of us have the capacity to listen, listening empathically is a skill that takes time to develop. The good news here is that it is never too late to learn how to incorporate empathic listening into your life. And as a gentle reminder, it’s okay if it takes a bit of time to become a better listener.

​The important thing is that you are actively trying to improve your communication skills and becoming more intentional about your relationships. Hopefully, this article provided the foundation for empathic listening and ways to incorporate it into your conversations with others. We hope you continue to expand upon this knowledge as this skill only improves our human connection with others, which in turn enhances our own well-being too. ​