Triangulating: In Relationships, Friendships, & Family
Have you ever felt torn between two people, like somehow you got caught in their relationship? You might have been experiencing relationship triangulation.
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Early in my training as a therapist, I worked closely with a young girl and her mother and father. Her parents were frequently in conflict with each other—little things seemed to trigger arguments between them, and they would often storm off or loudly accuse each other of causing all the problems in the family.
One of the things they argued about most was parenting, which put their daughter |
squarely in the middle of their conflicts. It was painful to hear the stories of each of them turning to their daughter for validation and support. Surely she could see how unreasonable the other parent was being? My clinical supervisor told me to ask the parents to stop this behavior as quickly as possible. Putting their daughter in the middle of their feuds would not help anybody, she assured me. She might even have used the word triangulation, introducing me to the psychological concept that I’ll be writing about today. Let’s see how relationships end up getting triangulated, what the effects are, and what we can do about it.
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What Is Triangulating? (A Definition)
The key characteristics of triangulation to understand are that the people in the primary relationship are not effectively addressing their relationship challenges, and so they instead turn to a third party, who then has to contend with the negative energy in the primary relationship. For example, some—but certainly far from all!—people in open relationships will seek an additional partner because of an unmet need in their primary relationship. Instead of working to get more of that need met in their primary relationship, they focus on getting that need met by somebody else. While this may reduce the strain on the primary relationship in one sense, it can put the third person in a place of tension (Benson et al., 1993), as the primary relationship now has a new focus for its contentious conversations.
Examples of Triangulating
Again, the classic examples of triangulation take place between parents and child (Westerman, 1987), with the child caught in the middle. In this example, where once there was one strained relationship (that of the two parents) there may now be multiple strained relationships (those of the child with each of their parents). Again, this has the effect of reducing strain on the parents’ relationship, but it comes at a significant cost, as many a child of divorce will tell you.
In the case of my child client whom I mentioned earlier, the parents were still together but disagreed about many things, including parenting styles and practices. Each time they appealed to their daughter for confirmation that one style was better than the other, they put her in an impossible position: Validating one parent’s choices meant invalidating the other’s. How could she pick mom over dad, or dad over mom?
Triangulation can happen with older children too, and we can see triangulation not just in the parents’ actions but also in the actions the child takes in response to being triangulated. For example, when a teenager tries to distract their parents from arguments, helps their parents resolve conflicts, or eventually takes sides in a dispute, they are becoming more involved as a result of the triangulation (Buchanan & Waizenhofer, 2001; Minuchin, 1974). This experience is stressful for a child of any age.
Triangulation in Psychology
Triangulation becomes unhealthy or harmful when it becomes long-lasting, or when it goes beyond the bounds of what are healthy relationship behaviors for the people involved. Here, another example will likely help. When my father was a young child, his mother began to experience some mental health challenges, and my grandfather took him aside and said, “We need to take care of your mother.” This statement would not have been harmful if my grandfather had simply intended to encourage my father to complete a single act of service for my grandmother, but this was not his intention; he really meant that he wanted my father’s help in looking after my grandmother in general.
It was a lesson my father took to heart, and well into adulthood he carried the idea that being a loving person meant taking care of somebody who was needy, who needed to be fixed. My grandfather’s words were a boundary violation: A child, at least until they reach adulthood, is not supposed to be a caretaker for their parent (Bowen, 1978). What might have decreased tension in my grandparents’ relationship put more pressure on my father to meet his parents’ needs.
Narcissistic Triangulation
Being triangulated in childhood might also increase the risk of developing narcissism and using triangulation in two other ways (Fosco & Grych, 2010). First, the inappropriate amount of influence in adult matters that is given to a child who is triangulated may cause the child to develop an inflated sense of self-importance. At the same time, the child may not be receiving appropriate levels of emotional support and validation from their parents unless they play along with the triangulation. In this way, they could learn that one’s needs are only met through such manipulative means.
As an adult, a narcissist might use triangulation to control their relationships in numerous ways. For example, they might speak badly of their romantic partner to mutual friends, isolating the partner over time and ensuring that the partner feels stuck with the narcissist. Or they might use the words of their friends for the purpose of gaslighting their partner, making them doubt their own experience by bringing up counterexamples. If you would like to know more about how narcissists engage in triangulation, I recommend watching this video:
Video: What Is “Triangulation”?
Triangulation in Friendships
Triangulation also happens among friends (Crothers et al., 2005). For people of my generation, memorable examples abound from the movie Mean Girls, in which teenage girls repeatedly pit their friends against each other in bids to build up influence with the leader of their friend group. In some ways, the unfortunate pattern of friend groups ostracizing one member at a time is the same pattern in action, just with a larger group involved.
Triangulation in the Family
Unfortunately, once triangulation has set in, plenty of negative outcomes are likely for the children involved. We know that teenagers who are drawn into their parents’ conflicts in this way are at risk of more mood symptoms, behavioral issues, difficulties communicating in friendships, and conflict with parents, siblings, and peers (Benson et al., 1993; Buchanan & Waizenhofer, 2001; Buehler et al., 2009; Fosco et al., 2014). As they experience more triangulation, children come to see themselves as partially at fault for the conflict and become more sensitive to parental conflict (Fosco & Grych, 2010).
Concerningly, these patterns can be passed down through generations. Families where emotions run high and are not managed well or are barely addressed at all, as well as families where healthy boundaries are not maintained among family members, are more likely to feature triangulation and to feature children who grow up to engage in triangulation as adults (Peleg, 2014).
Triangulation and Family Systems Theory
Family systems theory suggests that all relationships within a family influence each other (Bowen, 1978). For example, whether a child develops secure attachment is a function of not just their relationship with each parent but also how the parents relate to each other (Dallos & Vetere, 2012). All of these important sources of understanding about attachment are threatened by triangulation behaviors. Instead of learning healthy boundaries and ways of asking for support and care, children may learn to avoid conflict or address it by getting other people involved (Ross et al., 2016).
Triangulation and Manipulation
Although it may not be a behavior that people consciously engage in, we can definitely think of triangulation as a form of manipulation. Teenagers who are involved in triangulation by their parents may be more likely to do the same with their peers, suggesting that they have learned the manipulative function of these behaviors (Markiewicz et al., 2001). Again, while triangulation may meet some short-term needs for people, it is not an effective long-term solution for substantial challenges in relationships; thus, teenagers who learn to triangulate from within their families may end up with lower-quality friendships over time (Markiewicz et al., 2001).
Triangulation and Abuse
People who have been triangulated as children may be at greater risk of entering into abusive relationships in adulthood (Sammut-Scerri et al., 2020). These individuals may learn that engaging with abusive behaviors can be effective, and so they may grow to tolerate abusive behaviors over time instead of setting firm boundaries around such behavior. People triangulated as children may also continue to experience this treatment from their parents well into adulthood. Other research suggests that for teenagers, being involved by parents in triangulation is associated with increased risk of behaving abusively toward their dating partners (Fosco et al., 2016).
Triangulation and Communication
Triangulation happens through deliberate communication, as people invite others too deeply into conflicts that do not directly concern them. These dynamics can be especially complex in stepfamilies and blended families, where children may feel especially vulnerable to having to change homes or lose family members if conflict is not resolved (Afifi, 2003). In these circumstances, healthy communication behaviors are especially important.
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Final Thoughts on Triangulating
I imagine most of us have been on the receiving end of some degree of triangulation, whether it comes from two of our friends or two of our family members. If you find yourself involved in some kind of triangulation, it may be helpful to consider what unmet needs exist in the main relationship. Rather than forcing another person to get involved to sort it out, can the two parties work in a different way to find compromise? Can they seek professional help if the conflict keeps going? We all need to be able to rely on others—but only within healthy limits.
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References
- Afifi, T. D. (2003). ‘Feeling caught’ in stepfamilies: Managing boundary turbulence through appropriate communication privacy rules. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 20(6), 729–755.
- Benson, M. J., Larson, J., Wilson, S. M., & Demo, D. H. (1993). Family of origin influences on late adolescent romantic relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 663–672.
- Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson Inc.
- Buchanan, C. M., & Waizenhofer, R. (2001). The impact of interparental conflict on adolescent children: Considerations of family systems and family structure. In A. Booth, A. C. Crouter, & M. Clements (Eds.), Couples in conflict (pp. 149–160). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.
- Buehler, C., Franck, K. L., & Cook, E. C. (2009). Adolescents’ triangulation in marital conflict and peer relations. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 19(4), 669–689.
- Crothers, L. M., Field, J. E., & Kolbert, J. B. (2005). Navigating power, control, and being nice: Aggression in adolescent girls’ friendships. Journal of Counseling & Development, 83(3), 349–354.
- Dallos, R., & Vetere, A. (2012). Systems theory, family attachments and processes of triangulation: Does the concept of triangulation offer a useful bridge? Journal of Family Therapy, 34(2), 117–137.
- Fosco, G. M., & Grych, J. H. (2010). Adolescent triangulation into parental conflicts: Longitudinal implications for appraisals and adolescent‐parent relations. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(2), 254–266.
- Fosco, G. M., Lippold, M., & Feinberg, M. E. (2014). Interparental boundary problems, parent–adolescent hostility, and adolescent–parent hostility: A family process model for adolescent aggression problems. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(3), 141–155.
- Fosco, G. M., Xia, M., Lynn, M. G., & Grych, J. H. (2016). Triangulation and parent–adolescent relationships: Implications for adolescent dating competence and abuse. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 26(3), 524–537.
- Markiewicz, D., Doyle, A. B., & Brengdon, M. (2001). The quality of adolescents’ friendships: Associations with mothers’ interpersonal relationships, attachment to parents and friends, and prosocial behavior. Journal of Adolescence, 24(4), 429–445.
- McCauley, D. M., & Fosco, G. M. (2022). Family and individual risk factors for triangulation: Evaluating evidence for emotion coaching buffering effects. Family Process, 61(2), 841–857.
- Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
- Peleg, O. (2014). The relationships between stressful life events during childhood and differentiation of self and intergenerational triangulation in adulthood. International Journal of Psychology, 49(6), 462–470.
- Ross, A. S., Hinshaw, A. B., & Murdock, N. L. (2016). Integrating the relational matrix: Attachment style, differentiation of self, triangulation, and experiential avoidance. Contemporary Family Therapy, 38, 400–411.
- Sammut-Scerri, C., Vetere, A., & Abela, A. (2020). Looking back on childhood: Women’s experience of triangulation in the context of domestic violence. Contemporary Family Therapy, 42(3), 259–270.
- Titelman, P. (2008). The concept of triangulation in the context of Bowen theory. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Triangulation: Bowen family systems theory perspectives (pp. 16–41). Haworth.
- Westerman, M. A. (1987). ‘Triangulation’, marital discord and child behavior problems. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4(1), 87–106.
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