Definition, Examples & How To Set Them

In her YouTube video, Dr. Ramani discusses the concept of psychological boundaries and some examples where they show up such as:

• Physical boundaries:
  • How close to sit next to a person 
  • If you can hug a person
• Behavioral boundaries:
  • Type of language to use
  • When to turn off your phone
  • Appropriate topics to discuss
• Mental/emotional:

Dr. Ramani further states how difficult it is to reinforce boundaries with certain individuals such as people with narcissistic tendencies.

Healthy boundaries are important for all types of relationships and setting boundaries is considered an important relationship skill (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010, Davila et al, 2017, Ennenbach, 2014). Hallmarks of healthy boundaries include:

Insight and self-awareness
Insight and self-awareness are the abilities to understand your own motivations, needs, values​ and more. Having strong insight is an important part of any relationship, and especially healthy romantic relationships (Davila et al, 2017). Insight allows us to understand ourselves better and to communicate our needs to our family, friends, and partners. Without insight we may not understand or even be able to identify our boundaries.

Acceptance 
Acceptance, in the context of talking about boundaries, is embracing the belief that everybody has needs and that those needs are important. Acceptance allows us to hold that our needs are important as well as meeting the needs of the people around us (Davila et al, 2017, Ennenbach, 2014). 

Acceptance is also important when considering the reality of the situation in which we are thinking about setting a boundary. We would practice accepting characteristics or constraints about the situation (it’s nighttime, I’m busy, everything is always urgent with this person) and how it impacts our own thoughts and feelings (Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010).

Psychological flexibility
When we are rigid in our emotions, behaviors, and thoughts we experience psychological inflexibility (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010).  Psychological inflexibility is a risk factor for experiencing mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010). Moreover it can prevent us from living in a way that is intentionally aligned with our own values and goals (Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010). 

Psychological flexibility, on the other hand, is when we accept the reality of the situation, accept our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and consider our values—all of which informs our behavior for that given moment (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010). We use psychological flexibility to create and communicate boundaries for each situation rather than imposing a one size fits all approach.

As mentioned before, boundaries are a part of all healthy relationships, whether romantic, familial, social, or professional. What a boundary looks like, however, is influenced by many factors including culture. The idea of a boundary or a person being a bounded, distinct, and separate entity does not align with the worldview of some cultures. 
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For example, in many Eastern Cultures, the concept of the self (or the individual as we understand it in Western Psychology) is deemphasized or even discouraged (Shiah, 2016). Therefore, having individualistic desires, needs, or wants may not be as integral to people in these cultures. In fact, it is perfectly healthy and normal to uphold a collective mindset. Boundaries in this case may not look as firm or fixed, but can still include insight to one’s own values (personal, cultural, and collective), acceptance of respecting others needs, and psychological flexibility to consider the specific situation.

When we think about boundaries as only something that separates ourselves from others, we forget that boundaries can also be a way to connect deeper to ourselves and the people around us. Sometimes we need boundaries to protect ourselves, especially from people that seem to disrespect others (e.g. narcissists, abusers). However, by practicing and cultivating our own insight and awareness, we can get to know ourselves in a deeper way and share that with our partners, friends, and family. Boundaries can be a way of demonstrating compassion towards yourself and compassion towards others. 

When we don’t respect our own boundaries or another person’s boundaries, we can become  psychologically disconnected. Doing this long-term can lead to feeling defeated, unworthy, resentful, and lonely.

It is 5:30 PM and you’re getting ready to wrap up work within half an hour. Your boss comes by and asks you to work on a project tonight. You estimate the task she’s asking you to complete will take an additional two more hours. You didn’t sleep well the night before and did not have time to prepare a meal for lunch and have been sustaining yourself with coffee and snacks.
 
Some questions to consider:

• What are some needs specific to you (e.g. alone time, regular meals, weekly book club)?
• What is your capacity (emotional, physical, and other) at this moment?
• What is the reality of the situation? How are your boundaries likely to be received?
• If you decide to say no to a request due to limited capacity, is there something else you can offer within your capacity?

 
After considering the questions, you are reminded that you really value and need at least seven hours of sleep to function well otherwise your mood drops. You tend to get hungry frequently and have a fast metabolism. The reality of the situation is that there have been several layoffs this year and you need the income, but also have a small savings account. Your boss is very challenging but has shown some compassion in the past.
 
Possible Responses: 
Response 1: You tell your boss you are willing to complete the task tonight and plan to take a break at 6 PM to find dinner and relax for half an hour. After that, you plan to complete your task and be done by 8:30 PM.
 
Response 2: You tell your boss you are unable to work on the project tonight but plan on getting up early tomorrow to work on it.
 
Response 3: You expressed gratitude to your boss for considering you on this project and share that you are unable to work on the project tonight, as you are not feeling well today. You gently remind her that you are committed to the team and have worked on several other tasks during off-hours earlier this week. You recommend she asks another colleague.

You generally enjoy talking to your parents and make it a point to call them every week. You have been with the same partner for over a decade and are in your late 30s. Usually, your mom brings up the topic of having children during every conversation and tells you how much she wants to be a grandparent. You have already told her you do not want to have children but she continues to bring up this conversation.

Some questions to consider:

• What are your most important values?
• What are the needs and values of the people you are considering setting a boundary with?
• How are your thoughts and feelings impacted by the situation?
• If your boundaries are not respected, what are some possible responses you might have to protect yourself? 
• What are different ways you can communicate your boundaries to others?

 
After considering the questions, you recognize that you and your mom both value family. You also value your autonomy and the environment, which are two factors that influenced your choice to not have children. You feel stigmatized when your mom repeatedly asks you and your partner about having children.
 
Possible Responses: 
Response 1: You ask your mom to join you separately for lunch or a video call. You reflect on your shared family values and express gratitude for the support she has given you. You share your feelings about deciding to not have children and the impact it has when she continuously brings up the question. You ask her to not bring up the question again.
 
Response 2: During one of your phone conversations, your mom asks you again about having children. You share with her that you are aware of how meaningful it would be for her to have grandchildren, but that you have already decided with your partner to not have children. You share how this question makes you feel. You let her know that if she decides to bring up the topic again, you will gently remind her that you do not feel comfortable with this topic, and if she continues to bring up the topic you will excuse yourself from the conversation and try talking to her another day.

• ​“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Prentis Hemphill
• “Many survivors are used to the ‘wait and see’ tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.”- Shahida Arabi

• “Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”- Rachel Wolchin

• “Boundaries need to be communicated first verbally and then with actions.”- Henry Cloud

• “What I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid?”- Audre Lorde

Here are some more articles to read that can help you understand boundaries:

Want to keep learning about boundaries? Check out these books:​​​

• Cherry, K. M., Vander Hoeven, E., Patterson, T. S., & Lumley, M. N. (2021). Defining and measuring “psychological flexibility”: A narrative scoping review of diverse flexibility and rigidity constructs and perspectives. Clinical Psychology Review, 101973.
• Ciarrochi, J., Bilich, L., & Godsell, C. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a mechanism of change in acceptance and commitment therapy. Assessing mindfulness and acceptance processes in clients: Illuminating the theory and practice of change, 51-75.
• Connell, C. (2010). Multicultural perspectives and considerations within structural family therapy: The premises of structure, subsystems and boundaries. Rivier Academic Journal, 6(2), 1-6.
• Davila, J., Mattanah, J., Bhatia, V., Latack, J. A., Feinstein, B. A., Eaton, N. R., … & Zhou, J. (2017). Romantic competence, healthy relationship functioning, and well‐being in emerging adults. Personal Relationships, 24(1), 162-184.
• Ennenbach, M. (2014). Buddhist Psychotherapy: A Guideline for Positive Changes. Lotus Press.
• Shiah, Y. J. (2016). From self to nonself: the nonself theory. Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 124.​