Definition, Quotes, & Related Values

If that’s the case for you, too – if you have trouble telling the truth every time, all of the time – I promise you that you are in very good company. To be honest all the time would mean skillfully handling every single interpersonal (or inner) conflict that you ever experience. I do not know anybody with that much integrity, but I do think it is a compelling goal to aspire to. So what is honesty, really? And what can psychologists and philosophers tell us that might help us be honest? Let’s take a deep, unsparing look at honesty together.
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Honesty is important because society only really functions if we can generally assume that other people are being truthful, and they can assume the same of us (Pruckner & Sausgruber, 2013). In fact, most of us develop an internal sense of guilt and shame when we are not honest for just this reason – if we are continually dishonest, we will eventually be identified as untrustworthy and lose our social standing (Abeler et al., 2014).
 
Not only our reputations are at stake; without honesty, we cannot build or sustain healthy relationships with other people. At the same time, it is clear that consistent honesty can deepen and strengthen relationships (Abeler et al., 2014). People who are honest by nature are higher in self-acceptance, feel more connected to others, and experience more growth and get more meaning out of life (Visser & Pozzebon, 2013) – all characteristics that could make it easier to keep being honest. Indeed, being honest is important because people who are recognized for their honesty are seen as more desirable and likeable (Regan et al., 2000).
 
As important as it is to be honest for our well-being, it is hard to stay honest when faced with any challenges. Psychology experiments show that when people feel pressured and when there is not accountability for their behaviors, they are more likely to lie (Shalvi et al., 2012). It seems that when the threat of being caught is low or when we fear a negative outcome from our honesty, we are likely to let go of this important trait.

For examples of honesty, we return to the “thou shalt not” behaviors (Miller, 2020):
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• Lying: Again, honesty is most important when there are significant consequences for obscuring the truth. An honest person tells the truth even when there will be negative consequences for doing so. Most of us lie to avoid such a negative consequence.
• Theft: Academic dishonesty is a great example here. When people plagiarize, they are being dishonest; in effect, they are saying, “I did this work” or “this was my idea” when those statements are not true.
• Cheating: Honesty means following the rules. We find it harder to follow the rules when the rules seem unfair or are not things we willingly agreed to.
• Promises: When we make commitments, we are honest insofar as we follow through on those commitments. In particular, making commitments we do not intend to uphold is a classic example of dishonesty.
• Misleading: Omitting some information, or telling people only the parts of a situation that they want to hear, is a form of dishonesty, too.

Honesty takes place in two primary contexts: within ourselves and between two or more people. Honesty in relationships, as noted above, is essential for those relationships to function well; a relationship cannot accomplish much without consensus about what effective communication looks like (Cushman & Whiting, 1972).

Interestingly, although most people say that deceiving one’s partner is one of the worst things a person can do, open and candid discussions of what constitutes honesty in a couple’s relationship are pretty rare – perhaps only one quarter of couples have had such a conversation (West, 2006). Perhaps this is because people agree on the general nature of what honesty should look like in their relationships – as much as 80% agreement (West, 2006) – but that unresolved 20% can still cause lots of issues.

Perhaps this is because honesty in relationships is a gray area: both honesty and dishonesty help maintain romantic relationships (Finkenauer & Hazam, 2000). While there are times that dishonesty for the sake of maintaining a relationship is highly destructive, there are also moments when it may avoid unnecessary conflict (Afifi et al., 2007). Indeed, some couples explicitly discuss situations where discretion, rather than disclosure, is preferred (Baxter et al., 2001).

Honesty in Relationship Examples 
Here are a couple examples of what this might look like in practice. First, most of us experience attractions to many different people in our lives – not just our partners. If you are experiencing a deep attraction to another person, in a way that might threaten your relationship, your partner probably deserves to know about that. But do they need to know a catalogue of every person for whom you felt a passing attraction in the past week? The anxiety or jealousy this might provoke would probably outweigh your partner’s gratitude that you were painstakingly honest with them (Levine & Knapp, 2018).
 
For a second example, consider all the times an adult chooses to withhold important information that a child is not developmentally ready to hear. Whether it is a parent concealing that the other parent’s infidelity is the cause of their impending separation or a grandparent regaling their grandchild with stories about Santa Claus, there are times that outright honesty is not in a child’s best interest.
 
We have an easier time being honest in relationships when we have experienced secure attachment in our lives (Gillath et al., 2010). Perhaps this is because people who have experienced healthy relationships have successfully navigated instances in those relationships when honesty caused temporary strain to the relationship. They can trust that honesty will generally increase closeness in relationships, not reduce it.
 
For more thoughts on the complexity of honesty in relationships, I recommend watching this TED Talk:

Whether or not we can be honest with others is determined in large part by how honest we are with ourselves (Trivers, 2000). We deceive ourselves for many reasons, all of which serve to protect our sense of self or our internal representation of who we are. For example, I may attribute a selfish action to some kind of altruistic cause (“I asked him how he was doing because I care about him, not because I wanted an excuse to talk about my own life”) or I may forget a mistake I made because it is painful to acknowledge it.
 
Just as with honesty in relationships, though, there may be times when self-deception is effective. For example, exaggerating my odds of succeeding at a task may give me the conviction to keep working at it when I would otherwise quit (Trivers, 2000).
 
Since most of us hold the belief that honesty is a virtue and that dishonesty is shameful or wrong, most of our self-deception must occur on an unconscious level (Von Hippel & Trivers, 2011). In fact, many psychological defense mechanisms involve this kind of unconscious self-deception.

• “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” – Spencer Johnson
  
• “If ego is the voice that tells us we’re better than we really are, we can say ego inhibits true success by preventing a direct and honest connection to the world around us.” – Ryan Holiday
  
• “Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure.” – James Altucher
  
• “Friendship is not threatened by honest criticism. It is strengthened.” – Charles Swindoll
  
• “Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence.” – Lemuel K. Washburn
  
• “It is not the lie that passes through the mind, but the lie that sinks in and settles in it, that does the hurt.” – Francis Bacon
  
• “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” – Albert Einstein
  
• “Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.” – Richard Bach
  
• “Honesty is something you can’t wear out.” – Waylon Jennings
  
• “An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens.” – Thomas Jefferson

Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.

To keep learning, here are some books to explore:​​

• Abeler, J., Becker, A., & Falk, A. (2014). Representative evidence on lying costs. Journal of Public Economics, 113, 96-104.
• Afifi, T. D., Caughlin, J., & Afifi, W. A. (2007). The dark side of avoidance and secrets in interpersonal relationships: Reasons to question the ideology of openness. In B. H. Spitzberg & W. R. Cupach (Eds.), The dark side of interpersonal communication (2nd ed., pp. 61–92). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
• Baxter, L., Dun, T., & Sahlstein, E. (2001). Rules for relating communicated among social network members. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 18, 173–199.
• Cushman, D., & Whiting, G. C. (1972). An approach to communication theory: Toward consensus on rules. Journal of Communication, 22(3), 217–238
• Finkenauer, C., & Hazam, H. (2000). Disclosure and secrecy in marriage: Do both contribute to marital satisfaction? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 245–263.
• Gillath, O., Sesko, A. K., Shaver, P. R., & Chun, D. S. (2010). Attachment, authenticity, and honesty: dispositional and experimentally induced security can reduce self-and other-deception. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5), 841-855.
• Levine, T. R., & Knapp, M. L. (2018). Lying and deception in close relationships. In A. L. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships (pp. 329–340). Cambridge University Press.
• Levine, E. E., Roberts, A. R., & Cohen, T. R. (2020). Difficult conversations: Navigating the tension between honesty and benevolence. Current Opinion in Psychology, 31, 38-43.
• Miller, C. B. (2020). Motivation and the virtue of honesty: Some conceptual requirements and empirical results. Ethical Theory and Moral Practice, 23(2), 355-371.
• Pruckner, G. J., & Sausgruber, R. (2013). Honesty on the streets: A field study on newspaper purchasing. Journal of the European Economic Association, 11(3), 661-679.
• Regan, P. C., Levin, L., Sprecher, S., Christopher, F. S., & Gate, R. (2000). Partner preferences: What characteristics do men and women desire in their short-term sexual and long-term romantic partners? Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, 12(3), 1-21.
• Shalvi, S., Eldar, O., & Bereby-Meyer, Y. (2012). Honesty requires time (and lack of justifications). Psychological Science, 23, 1264–1270.
• Trivers, R. (2000). The elements of a scientific theory of self-deception. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 907(1), 114-131.
• Visser, B. A., & Pozzebon, J. A. (2013). Who are you and what do you want? Life aspirations, personality, and well-being. Personality and Individual Differences, 54(2), 266-271.
• Von Hippel, W., & Trivers, R. (2011). The evolution and psychology of self-deception. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 34(1), 1-56.
• West, A. E. (2006). Relational standards: Rules and expectations in romantic relationships. Doctoral dissertation, Australian Catholic University. Retrieved February 6, 2013.