Energy Vampire: Definition, Signs, & Traits

They weren’t born from a Bram Stoker novel, nor does their skin sparkle in the sun, and they definitely don’t suck all the blood out of you—even if it may sometimes feel like that. But they do walk among us, and maybe we can be energy vampires ourselves at times. In this article, we will discuss what energy vampires are, how to spot them, and explore ways to set boundaries in relationships to make our lives feel less draining. Ready to learn? I promise it won’t bite.
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Do you remember high school physics class when they taught us that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, but only exchanged? Well, think of energy vampires as people who take more energy from you instead of sharing the energy or giving some back. For example, do you have someone in your life who makes you feel tired, unsupported, depleted of your resources, and maybe even a little sad after you spend time with them? If you have a relationship that just takes, takes, takes, without you receiving anything in return, you may be dealing with an energy vampire. 
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Energy vampires are people who tend to prey on highly sensitive, empathetic, and happy people and feed off of their kindness and compassion until they leave them drained of their energy. Research also suggests that while the name sounds fun and somewhat harmless, energy vampires ought to be studied more as they could have similarities with folks who have antisocial, borderline, and/or narcissistic personality disorders (Northrup, 2018). 

However, energy vampires may also just have low self-awareness about their energy-zapping behaviors, and when made more aware of these tendencies, they may alter how their actions affect others.

Before we get into the signs and traits of energy vampires, let’s review some scenarios where people around us may be secretly masquerading as energy vampires.

• The Melodramatic Victim. Let’s say you’re meeting your friend for dinner. It’s been quite a while since you’ve last spent some time with them. Perhaps you had a rough day at work and are briefly venting to them about what made your day frustrating. You may expect them to respond with empathy, a hug, or some verbal validation. Instead, they tell you something like: “Oh, that’s it? I have it way worse!” and then start talking about their problems. It may seem like they’re trying to one-up your struggles by changing the conversation into making it about how hard their week has been. While this is not always a one-size-fits-all scenario, people like these are energy vampires who play the victim. These individuals may express their victim mentality and victim-like behaviors by blaming others or making you feel guilty for talking about your own concerns. 

 

• The Toxic Minimizer. Another type of energy vampire is someone who bolsters their ego by putting you down. Several examples of this energy vampire can be seen in the hit 2004 film, Mean Girls. You may be familiar with this movie, but in case you’re not, here’s a quick one-sentence summary. Mean Girls is a movie about a new girl at school who navigates through the social hierarchy of high school while putting up with the frenemy-style drama of a group of popular mean girls. This summary doesn’t do the film very much justice, so I recommend you watch the movie if you haven’t already done so. The “queen bee” in this group of mean girls is a young woman named Regina George. Regina often manipulates the main character and her own friends with actions such as giving backhanded compliments (e.g., you’re so pretty for someone who isn’t blonde) and using her knowledge of her friends’ insecurities to belittle them while trying to strengthen her own self-esteem. Unfortunately, mean girls exist outside the movie, so if you recognize a mean girl in your own life, they may also fit within the characteristics of an energy vampire.

 

• The Helpless Dependent. While energy vampires tend to be toxic, some energy vampires are not always ill-willed—just insecure and hungry for constant validation. Maybe you are someone who always sees the good in others, gives love wholeheartedly, and tends to be the #1 supporter for your loved ones. While others may be coming from a good place, they may need compliments regularly or always look to you to provide continuous support and validate their feelings. You may feel like you are giving more to the relationship (whether personal or professional) by making them feel appreciated and important, even though they often do very little to support you or show up when you need them. These types of energy vampires can make you feel like you’ve run out of gas and are depleted of the energy you need to handle your own concerns as well. If you catch yourself showing up for someone else more than necessary or more often for them than yourself, you may have been bitten by an energy vampire. ​

You may have grasped a solid sense of some signs and personality traits of energy vampires from the scenarios shown above. Below you will find a compiled but non-exhaustive list of signs and traits that may help clear up any queries you have about energy vampires (Northrup, 2018; Orloff, 2017).

Signs

• A lack of accountability. Remember group projects in school and how there was almost always one person who didn’t do their work. Maybe they fed off of your hard work and got an A, or they didn’t complete their part of the assignment right before it was due and you all got bad grades. A lack of accountability is just like that—someone who doesn’t own their responsibility and finds a way to blame an external situation or stressor for their actions. 

 

• Feeling the need to one-up you. In reference to the melodramatic victim example, these people like to keep the limelight to themselves. They may often make you feel beneath them or dismiss your problems and create guilt in you by telling you their issues are way worse than yours. 

 

• They’re the center of dramatic situations. More often than not, energy vampires are in the middle of some sort of drama. Whether they’re the instigator of an issue or someone who took sides, they may come to you to play the victim, receive your empathy, and even expect you to problem-solve for them and find ways to fix their problems.

 

• Discussions are dominated by them. Energy vampires aren’t just the center of drama, but they may also be the focal topic of several conversations. These talks are not healthy venting sessions but are more likely to be emotional dumping by the energy vampire. If you find that discussions with a friend, family member, or coworker are usually centered around their life instead of a healthy balance of all parties involved, this may be a strong sign that an energy vampire is in your circle. 

Traits

• Manipulative. Energy vampires take advantage of your kind or caring nature by trying to steal too much of your time away or guilt-tripping you if you’re not spending time acknowledging them. They manipulate you into doing what they want and may also give you ultimatums. 

 

• Bullying. Like Regina George, energy vampires tend to be bullies who try to make others feel small. This typically stems from their own insecurities and comes out in ways that dehumanize others so that you can feel just as miserable as them.

 

• Negative. Most energy vampires are looking to soak up your positive energy by killing the mood, criticizing you, or engaging in toxic or abusive behaviors. 

 

• Needy. Of course, from time to time, everyone could use the support of others to lift their spirits. In contrast to this, however, energy vampires are always in need of validation, compliments, and reassurance from others. Needy energy vampires also tend to be codependent in their relationships. 

Hopefully, the aforementioned examples, signs, and traits helped you better understand how to recognize energy vampires in your own life. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you find it a bit difficult to identify people in your life who are draining your energy. It is not always an easy task and takes a little practice and awareness. 

However, once you notice an energy vampire sucking too much out of you, here are some ways to deal with the situation (Orloff, 2017; Rutherford et al., 2014). 

• Set boundaries. If you keep them in your life, you may find it helpful to see them less frequently and set clear boundaries. Perhaps you even limit how quickly you respond to their messages or phone calls or say no to plans with them entirely.

 

• Adjust expectations. If you’ve known this person a while and are aware of their behaviors, expect less from them in terms of how much you want them to give their time and energy to you. You can’t change how they act, but you can modify how much emotional energy and hope you’re giving them and your relationship.

 

• Stop being overly available. Energy vampires gravitate to those who have good listening skills and are always ready to listen to them. Try focusing more energy on other relationships or yourself. The less available you are, the less likely they would come to you for sympathy or problem-solving. 

 

• Be honest with them. If you find yourself being close enough to this energy vampire, you may want to engage in a healthy conversation about your relationship and how they make you feel. We may not be able to (or even want to) cut out these people from our lives, so if you feel comfortable having a conversation about their actions and how they impact your emotional health, it may be worthwhile to talk it out. 

Maybe you’ve read this far and have become aware that you possess some qualities of an energy vampire. And if you happen to be in this situation, that’s okay. Becoming more aware and learning about ourselves is an important part of personal growth. Here are some things you may want to do to stop being an energy vampire to others (Northrup, 2018; Rutherford et al., 2014).

• Learn to manage your stress. One way to do this is to participate in more self-care. Whether it is having a daily journaling practice to vent about your problems, telling yourself daily affirmations, or searching for a therapist or similar mental health professional to discuss issues with, finding self-help or professional help can benefit you. Not only can they support you in feeling less worried, insecure, or helpless, these self-care techniques may also help you and your loved ones feel an increase in positive energy when you are around one another.

 

• Become more self-aware. Whether you read books about self-awareness or practice mindfulness meditation techniques, being more aware of your own tendencies can help you on your journey to healing rather than relying on others for constant emotional support or validation. 

 

• Talk less, listen more. If you find yourself becoming more self-aware of your energy-draining tendencies, one way to remedy this is by focusing on others in your relationships rather than only yourself. A mentor of mine in college used to say, “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should always listen twice as much as we talk.” The next time you’re in a social gathering, or spending one-on-one time with someone, try to listen actively, ask them questions, or serve as a beacon of support and encouragement to them as they have done for you in the past.​

Oftentimes, the wise words of others can inspire something within ourselves. Here are six insightful sayings about energy vampires you may want to read.

• “People inspire you, or they drain you—pick them wisely.” – Hans F. Hansen

 

• “Energy vampires prey on others because they are in pain, and their behavior is a disguised cry for help. However, the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for resolving their issues. While you can offer help to an energy vampire, it is ultimately their responsibility to sort out their struggles.” – Aletheia Luna

 

• “An energy vampire can never ‘steal’ energy from us unless we consciously or unconsciously permit them to.” – Mateo Sol

 

• “​​Don’t waste another minute dealing with a toxic, negative, energy-draining person. Some people are wired for negativity. They love being argumentative, combative, and abusive. Run for your life as quickly as possible.” – Les Brown

 

• Say goodbye to the energy vampires in your life (the negative souls who steal your enthusiasm). – Robin Sharma

 

• “Every time you come in contact with anyone, you are one of two things—an energy giver or an energy sucker. Either you bring positivity and leave people feeling better for having interacted with you or your negativity drained them, which means you are known as an ‘Energy Vampire.’ It is scientific proof that energy is exchanged between people—we literally give and receive energy.” – John Dijulius ​

• Orloff, J. (2017). The empath’s survival guide: Life strategies for sensitive people. Sounds True.
• Northrup, C. (2018). Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath’s Guide to Evading Relationships that Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power. Hay House, Inc. 
• Rutherford, A., Harmon, D., Werfel, J., Gard-Murray, A. S., Bar-Yam, S., Gros, A., … & Bar-Yam, Y. (2014). Good fences: the importance of setting boundaries for peaceful coexistence. PloS one, 9(5), e95660. ​