Meaning, Examples, & How to Stop

Using self-deprecation language can mean many things. In social groups and in the media, we use self-deprecating humor as a way to be relatable and to feel seen. We enjoy characters like Liz Lemon on 30 Rock and Jake Peralta on Brooklyn 99 because of their imperfections—we see ourselves in their fumbling, in their attempts at tasks deemed second nature, such as cooking or money management. Around a group of friends, you have probably heard someone say “I don’t have my life together!” or “I don’t know what I’m doing!,” and laughed along. No one wants to feel alone in their struggles, and self-deprecating humor is one way of merging that gap.

But for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, loneliness, or other mental health roadblocks, self-deprecation can simply be a symptom of one’s internal state. Those with anxiety tend to worry more about the future and about how they are perceived. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and find myself in negative self-talk spirals almost on a daily basis. 

Social media has also exacerbated feelings of comparison and inferiority. I worry about measuring up against others in my career, and about whether or not my friends secretly hate me. For those with depression, self-deprecation can become a lens to view the world, as tragedy, disappointment, and failure stick out against positive life events. You might see how this worldview can bring someone down and lower motivation. It’s difficult to want to get out in the community and make a difference, or to feel good about ourselves, when we are stuck thinking about everything that is wrong.

Psychologist Ros Taylor says that self-deprecating language can be used to buffer failure or fear of embarrassment or to alert others of our perceived shortcomings so they are not disappointed if we confirm their suspicions (Elle Magazine, 2017). Research has shown many who engage in self-deprecating talk have lower self-esteem (Owens, 1993). We often switch on self-deprecation when we are feeling insecure, but this thought process can snowball, creating a negative feedback loop as one exacerbates the other.

Self-deprecation differs from humility in its scale. Humility is being modest or humble; it means not bragging about our accomplishments or positive traits. But constantly deflecting compliments or being mean to ourselves crosses over from humility to self-deprecation, and doesn’t do us any good. Psychotherapist Vaishali Patel uses a great example in an article on self-deprecation versus humility:
    
“Here’s an example—when you’ve made a dessert for the first time, after having it at a restaurant. It might not have turned out as well as the restaurant version, but it was still pretty good. Someone might say, ‘That dessert was delicious.’
 
The humble response: ‘Thank you, I wanted to try this recipe out after having it at a restaurant. It wasn’t as good as at the restaurant, but it wasn’t bad for my first try. I have ideas of how to improve it in the future.’
 
The self-deprecating response: ‘Oh, it wasn’t that great. It’s nothing like the one I had at the restaurant. I baked it a few minutes too long, and the berries were too sour…’” (Patel, n.d.).
 
Notice how the humble response is more realistic, and how it reframes the situation without self-criticizing or catastrophizing. We don’t need to be perfectionists; we just need to keep showing up.

Hearing our friends engage in self-deprecation and negative self-talk can be uncomfortable. We naturally want to uplift those we love and see the best in them, so when we hear them talking negatively about themselves, we want to snap them out of feeling poorly. It is important to remember, though, that when we self-deprecate, we are often struggling with feeling heard or with feeling inadequate. It helps to affirm the speaker’s feelings and reassure them they are supported. This can sound like:

• “That’s not true, you’re beautiful!”
• “I wish you could see how amazing you are.”
• “[x mistake] doesn’t make you stupid; it makes you human! We all make mistakes.”

It might also help to highlight the speaker’s accomplishments or positive traits to remind them of their attributes because we don’t want the speaker to feel shame for their emotions. This might look like complimenting the speaker, congratulating them on a new achievement, or sharing what you love most about spending time with them. This lets them know you are paying attention and helps them feel seen, heard, and supported.

Reframing a situation can help someone who is self-deprecating see a mistake in a new light. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, is a common psychological method of retraining our thoughts and thus rewriting pathways that are not serving us. While we don’t all need to be licensed psychologists to support our loved ones, the simple method of turning a situation on its head can allow the speaker to put their thoughts into a new context. For example, if your friend says they are a failure because they arrived 15 minutes late to a work meeting, you could reassure them that everyone is late sometimes and that this does not negate all the hard work they have already put in, and the benefits they’ve reaped, at their job.

Continuing on a path of self-deprecation can make our unhappiness worse. There are ways we can stop a harmful cycle of self-deprecation without feeling shameful that negative thoughts have arisen. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Stop Self-Deprecation
In 2018, psychologists at London South Bank University found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy improved participants’ self-esteem over time (Kolubinski et al., 2018). Talking to a trusted professional can provide us with a safe and objective space to be honest and work toward a more positive mindset.

Gratitude Journaling to Stop Self-Deprecation
Gratitude journals have increased in recent popularity, too. In high school, I took a community service class called “Character Leaders” that required us to write down five things we were grateful for every day. Since then I have ebbed and flowed in my commitment to the practice, but find that when I do it, I feel more positive about my life. Research affirms that people who are more grateful have higher self-esteem (Brown & Wong, 2017).

Addressing Self-Talk to Stop Self-Deprecation
​At times, my anxiety makes it difficult to pull myself out of negative spirals; I am constantly working on reframing my self-talk and not over-emphasizing my mistakes. And once those thought patterns get solidified, activating them becomes easier–neurons that fire together wire together is a popular adage within neuroscience.

​Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and focusing on what I am grateful for has helped me in the past to not get so stuck: to gaze with more hope toward my future, and give myself grace regarding my past. I have also found it helps to ask myself, “would I let a friend speak this way about themself?” Often we use much harsher language when criticizing ourselves than we would if we were speaking to our friend, partner, or family member.

Do What You Enjoy To Stop Self-Deprecation
​Another way we can stop self-deprecating is to remember what we are good at and what we enjoy doing. Because self-deprecating language focuses so much on how we don’t measure up, engaging in our favorite hobbies reminds us that this isn’t true. Research shows feeling like we have a purpose is often correlated with higher well-being (Stretcher, 2016), and doing activities we love gives us purpose. I love to run, write, read, play music, and go to museums. While I am not a professional musician and couldn’t even run a half-marathon, I still enjoy these activities and the connections I make with others in the process. The body releases endorphins, which are molecules that make us feel happy when we do something that brings us joy. This in turn increases our gratitude and keeps our minds off of our worries.

Self-deprecating humor is common in TV shows, movies, and comedy specials, but it may signal underlying insecurities. This style of humor has increased in recent years with younger generations making light of unfortunate circumstances. With wealth inequality increasing across the nation and climate change ravaging the planet, it makes sense that we want to feel that we are not alone in our existential and hopeless thoughts.

While historically, humor has been a crucial tool to make sense of our society and world, there comes a time when its excessiveness can feel overwhelming to the listener. Still, its ubiquitous use among cultures and in the media highlights its popularity. Here is one example of self-deprecating humor in the media:

•  “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.” (John Mulaney, 2012).

We can appreciate this style of humor without using it too often and bringing ourselves down. Humor is just one tool we use to make sense of our world and our place in it.

According to research, self-deprecation in conversation can act as a way we communicate with each other and pick up on social cues (Speer, 2019). While in some cases it represents a style of humor, as in John Mulaney’s 2012 comedy show “New In Town,” if negative self-talk becomes a pattern, it may mean the person wielding it is struggling with self-image and satisfaction. Talking to a professional, gratitude practice, and spending time engaging in the things you love can all help ease a racing and spiraling mind.

As Owens and Stryker wrote in their 2006 book Extending Self-Esteem Theory and Research: Sociological and Psychological Currents, those with a positive self-image are more likely to engage in “civic and community affairs.” A positive self-image doesn’t just help you. It helps those around you, as the motivation to spread the joy you feel radiates outward. But Owen and Stryker point out in their 2006 book that self-deprecation and self-worth can often be felt simultaneously. It’s okay to feel down on some days; what matters is that we understand self-love as a process.

• ​Brown, J. & Wong, J. (2017). How Gratitude Changes You And Your Brain. Greater Good Magazine. 
• Kolubinski, D. C., Frings, D., Nikčević, A. V., Lawrence, J. A., & Spada, M. M. (2018). A systematic review and meta-analysis of CBT interventions based on the Fennell model of low self-esteem. Psychiatry research, 267, 296-305.