Mindful Self-Compassion: Definition & Exercises

Self-compassion is thought to include three main components: Self-kindness (versus self-judgment), feelings of common humanity (versus separation), and mindfulness versus (over-identification with our experiences; Neff, 2011).

Although this definition is indeed helpful, it fails to take into consideration that during earlier stages of adult development, some of these processes aren’t even possible, while at later stages, some of these processes no longer make sense to practice in the same way. So does that mean that self-compassion does not exist or can not be used at these other stages of development? Absolutely not! 

In this article, I’d like to take a first stab at defining mindful self-compassion across each stage of human development and providing exercises to practice mindful self-compassion during each stage. That way, you can more easily find a self-compassion exercise that resonates with your worldview and expand your self-compassion skills over time.

Before continuing, let us quickly talk about the life stages—or developmental stages—we humans go through. These stages show the different worldviews that all humans move through as we mature.

The 8 Life Stages

• I am my body
• I am my peer group
• I am my actions 
• I am my outcomes
• I am my understandings
• I am my patterns 
• I am my awareness
• I am

These “I am” beliefs (or identifications) affect every single thing in our experience (Wilber, 2007) including the 3 components of mindful self-compassion. In other words, we define, express, and experience self-compassion differently at the different stages of development.

The current research defines the 3 components of mindful self-compassion as follows (Neff, 2011):

1. Self-kindness refers to the ability to be caring and understanding with ourselves rather than self-critical or judgmental.
2. Common humanity refers to the understanding that all people fail, make mistakes, and feel inadequate in some ways.
3. Mindfulness refers to being aware of the present-moment experience in a clear and non-reactive way (e.g., we don’t get stuck overthinking about disliked aspects of ourselves).

Although these definitions make sense to some people, they won’t make sense to everyone at every stage of adult development (Wilber, 2007). 

In the next section, we’ll explore how each stage (and its worldview) might affect how we define, experience, and practice mindful self-compassion. I’ll refer to the colors of the life stages rather than the “I am” statements to help you keep in mind the progression of stages from red to purple.

At the red stage, our dominating perspective is self-focused or body-focused. We haven’t yet developed empathy or the ability to see others’ needs. Although many people transcend this stage in childhood, approximately 5% of the adult population remains in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

It may be helpful to think of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to better understand why people get stuck in this stage. Many of these people likely didn’t have their basic physiological needs met as children and therefore, were unable to expand their focus beyond their immediate needs. Being in this stage is not a judgment of their character but rather a reflection of their life experiences. 

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Red Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage likely refers to meeting one’s immediate needs, whether that be safety, self-protection, security, financial stability, or social support. At this point, we can only see ourselves through our own eyes. Self-referential mental processes, such as seeing how others see us or “understanding” our inner processes come much later in development. So, those at this stage will need a very different definition of self-compassion than the one presented in the introduction of this article. 
2. Common humanity at this stage cannot be understood. We are not yet able to identify our own mistakes, and we don’t yet have the ability to understand that others have experiences similar to us.
3. Mindfulness at this stage is potentially possible. We do not yet have a time perspective that creates many thoughts of the future and past so our only experience is in the now. However, I’m not sure if this is the type of mindfulness that the researchers were referring to since we do not choose to be mindful at this stage—all we can see is the present.

At the orange stage, our dominating perspective is personality-focused or peer group-focused (e.g., family, social group, religion, race, political group, etc…). Although many teenagers are in this stage, approximately 10% of the adult population remains in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). Just think about how teenagers tend to want to dress like and be like their friends—they define their own identity as the shared personality or characteristics of the group.

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Orange Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage likely refers to looking at ourselves positively through others’ eyes. We can now see others seeing us, and we understand that they notice what we do (we can not, however, look at ourselves through our own eyes; Cook-Grueter, 2014). If we experienced abuse, trauma, bullying, or even other relatively minor rejection in childhood, we can develop a persistent negative, critical view of ourselves “through others’ eyes”. Self-kindness at this stage is likely about shifting our beliefs about how others see us to be more positive and less critical.
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to only our immediate group (e.g., family, tribe, peer group, religious group, etc…). We witness these close others fail or make mistakes and because we identify with them so strongly, we might experience their failures as our failures. This new experience of empathy can be painful and we may, therefore, resist common humanity, shunning others from our group if they make mistakes or show flaws.
3. Mindfulness at this stage can likely not be used as it involves observing the self and others from a 3rd person point of view (which is an ability that has not yet developed). 

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Orange Stage 
The following exercise is adapted from Neff & Germer (2013) to be suitable for orange-stage individuals (e.g., questions related to self-reflection have been removed).

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Treat Yourself Like You’d Treat a Friend

• Start by thinking of a time when a friend or family member was really struggling in some way. What did you do to help your friend? 
• Now think about a time when you were really struggling in some way. What did you do for yourself? 
• Did you notice a difference between how you treated your friend and how you treated yourself? Were you nicer to the other person than you were to yourself? How would you feel if you were nicer to yourself?
• In the future, when you are struggling, try treating yourself as you would treat a friend.

At the yellow stage, our dominating perspective is action-focused or skill-focused. Approximately 37% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Yellow Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage likely refers to looking at ourselves kindly through a 3rd person perspective—we can see ourselves, we can see others, and we can see ourselves as separate and different than others (Cook-Grueter, 2014). Given this new found worldview, we are likely to engage in a lot of social comparison. So  self-kindness at this stage is likely about minimizing the harmful impacts of social comparison—”we’re better at some things and worse at other things, and it’s okay.”
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to a larger group with which we share some similarities and some differences (e.g., school, workplace, etc…) We can now finally begin to understand that many people fail, make mistakes, and feel inadequate in some ways.
3. Mindfulness at this stage is likely to be incredibly difficult, but possible. We are just now beginning to see our inner world (thoughts, emotions, etc…) and it is growing in complexity. We are also likely to be fully identified with our actions—”we are what we do”. So “being mindful” isn’t exactly a high priority given our worldview. 

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Yellow Stage 
The following exercise is adapted from Shapira & Mongrain (2010) to be suitable for yellow-stage individuals (e.g., questions related to long-term time horizons have been removed).

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Write Yourself a Self-Compassionate Letter

• First, think of something that makes you feel bad about yourself or not good enough. It could be something related to your personality, skills, actions, relationships, or anything else.
• Once you have identified something, write a kind letter to yourself from yourself, to help yourself feel better. 
• You might:
  • Remind yourself that other people have things that they don’t like about themselves. They have strengths and weaknesses too, and that’s okay. 
  • Remind yourself that there are other people that are struggling with similar things as you are. You’re not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes. 
  • In a compassionate way, ask yourself whether there are actions that you could take to accept this part of you more. Or, are there actions you could take to improve this part of yourself? Focus on how positive actions might make you feel better about yourself.
• After writing the letter, put it away. Consider coming back to it and reading it when you’re feeling bad about this part of yourself.

At the green stage, our dominating perspective is outcome-focused or achievement-focused. Approximately 30% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014).  

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Green Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage can finally involve both future projection and past reflection as we can not only see ourselves in relation to others but also ourselves in relation to others over time (Cook-Grueter, 2014). So showing self-kindness can involve seeing how we’ve gone through ups and downs in the past, and if we’re feeling down at the moment, we are likely to feel up at a later moment. We can truly understand the statement, “This too shall pass”. 
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to an even larger community including people we have never met (e.g., a city). We might now begin to see that even successful people have failed at many things over time. We continue to feel more connected and less alone.
3. Mindfulness at this stage is likely to be helpful if we work at it. As we’re judging ourselves based on our outcomes, this is the stage at which we’re likely to be the hardest on ourselves (because even the best, most consistent actions don’t always result in the best outcomes). Pulling ourselves out of the mental storm that is constantly brewing in our minds can be done with mindfulness, but it’s still difficult. 

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Green Stage 
Most of the self-compassion exercises that have been studied can be done when we are in the green stage. We have all the skills that are required. However, some mindful self-compassion experiences may be more helpful at this stage than others. The following exercise is adapted from Neff & Germer (2013) to focus on the specific challenges that are common in the green stage (e.g., an over-active mind, overwork, and burnout).

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Take a Self-Compassion Break

• Think of a situation in your life that is causing you mild or moderate stress. 
• Identify your feelings without judging them. You might feel stressed, angry, or sad. Next, remind yourself that these are normal human emotions that are a part of life for everyone. 
• Now, put your hand over your heart and say, “May I be kind to myself during these stressful times.” Or, find a phrase to say to yourself that evokes a sense of compassion for yourself.

At the teal stage, our dominating perspective is understanding-focused. Although few people will reach this stage, approximately 11% of the adult population has reached this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Teal Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage can refer to the ability to be both caring and understanding with ourselves rather than self-critical or judgmental. We now see how our (and others’) experiences are part of a system (or society) and we begin to understand how we came to believe what we believe (Cook-Grueter, 2014). In other words, we’re beginning to see the past experiences that led us to be non-self-compassionate in the first place.
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to an even larger community with numerous different perspectives (e.g., a society). We might now begin to see that each person may have unique struggles but that everyone does struggle. 
3. Mindfulness at this stage can really start to develop as a skill. We’re dedicated to increasing our understanding and clarity of our world, and this leads us to strive for more present-moment awareness. 

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Teal Stage 
Most of the existing self-compassion exercises won’t adequately address the challenges that emerge in the teal stage. Here, our worldview is expanding beyond our personal causes and effects (outcomes) and is beginning to include interwoven causes and effects. To create an exercise for people at this stage, I have merged insights on self-compassion with insights on limiting beliefs. 

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Limiting Beliefs About Self-Compassion

• Write down an experience that commonly makes you feel badly about yourself.
• Next, explore what might be the potential causes of these experiences. See if you can determine the experiential causes—e.g., did a parent teach you to feel this way about yourself? Did your society teach you to feel this way about yourself? Where do you think these self-critical thoughts came from?
• Now explore how you might redirect your inner critic to say nicer things about yourself. What kind of things could you tell yourself to be more self-compassionate?
• Next, reflect on how these systems affect everyone. We are all raised in families and societies that teach us that some parts of us are not okay. You are not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes. 
• Lastly, spend a moment in silence as you fully embody this exercise. See if you can feel the sense of self-compassion as it fills your body and heart.

At the blue stage, our dominating perspective is pattern-focused or process-focused. Approximately 5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Blue Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage can refer to the ability to undo the patterns that lead us to be unkind or judgmental of ourselves. Because we now see how systems interact, operate, and play out (Cook-Grueter, 2014), we can identify the habits, patterns, and processes that lead to us into self-judgment over and over again. 
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to a global community with overlapping groups of various sizes that influence each other in innumerable ways. 
3. Mindfulness at this stage becomes increasingly strong, and we gain more clarity about the interwoven processes of our world. While we may still get stuck in our thoughts, we now recognize that this is just a pattern, and we strive to undo our negative patterns.

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Blue Stage 
The following exercise is a mixture of exercises (Kirby et al., 2023; Schwartz, 2021) designed to be suitable for blue-stage individuals (e.g., to focus on patterns and internal systems of self-compassion).

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Internal Systems Visualization

• To begin this meditation, take a deep breath, focusing on the air as you breathe in and then out through your nose.
• Start by visualizing the part of yourself that is compassionate toward the other parts of yourself. This aspect of self has wisdom, kindness, understanding, and love for all aspects of yourself. You might see it like a loving parent, a supportive elder, or even an animal or god that supports you. Just choose an image that feels right and natural to you.
• Now visualize a part of yourself that is hurt. How old is it? What does it look like? Once you have imagined an image for this aspect of self, move on to the next step.
• Next, visualize the compassionate part of yourself talking to the hurt part. What would it say? How would it support and guide you with love? 
• After you’ve imagined a brief conversation between your parts, reflect on how you feel. Do you feel better? More supported? Do you have a greater sense of inner acceptance? How does your body feel? Spend a minute or two reflecting on the emotions and sensations that have arisen in you.

At the violet stage, our dominating perspective is awareness-focused or consciousness-focused. Approximately 1.5% of the adult population is in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

Mindful Self-Compassion Definition at The Indigo Stage 

1. Self-kindness at this stage shifts, as we now see that our entire conceptual structure was based on a fundamental misunderstanding about our world (Cook-Grueter, 2014). Thus, self-kindness shifts from being an action or process to being an emergent property of “being”. In other words, we’re beginning to see through patterns to an underlying reality for which self-criticism is non-sensical. We are what we are, and that’s it.
2. Common humanity at this stage is in relation to a universe with innumerable beings. 
3. Mindfulness at this stage begins to pervade our daily life as it is in the process of becoming automatic. The “witness” emerges (Goode, 2016) and enables us to mindfully watch all aspects of human experience, including thoughts, emotions, patterns, memories, etc… from an outside perspective. This is the very first stage when we start to become aware of the present-moment experience in a non-reactive way. Don’t get me wrong, we still react sometimes, but we watch ourselves reacting and begin to realize how silly and pointless our reactions are.

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise at The Indigo Stage 
The following exercise uses the witness (Goode, 2016) and self-inquiry (Maharshi, 1985) as tools to become more mindfully aware.

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise: Self-Compassion Inquiry Meditation

• To begin this meditation, take a deep breath, focusing on the air as you breathe in and then out through your nose.
• Now, shift your attention to your thoughts. Just watch them for a couple of minutes without trying to control them or influence them in any way. 
• Ask yourself, what did you think about? Did you have any self-critical or negative thoughts? Did those thoughts create any emotions? Did you feel like you were creating the thoughts or did they seem to arise on their own?
• Now, take a moment to reflect on the question, “Who is the one who thinks these self-critical thoughts?” Instead of using the mind to answer this question, just sit in silence and witness whatever comes into awareness. 
• Next, take a moment to reflect on the self-critical thoughts of others. As yourself, “Who is the one who thinks these self-critical thoughts?” Instead of using the mind to answer this question, just sit in silence and witness whatever comes into awareness.
• Practice this exercise for a few minutes per day. In time, your brain will automate it and the process will occur on its own throughout your daily life.

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