Passive Aggression: Definition, Examples, & Behaviors
Passive aggression is a natural reaction to situations where expressing ourselves fully doesn’t seem safe. Read on to learn where this comes from and what to do about it.
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Raise your hand if you think you’re “good” at confrontation. Okay, I know you couldn’t see it, but my hand was definitely not raised. Few of us learn assertive communication skills growing up, and it shows in our daily lives as adults. |
Maybe it’s your sibling, mentioning again on a phone call that somebody ought to call Mom and Dad more often. Maybe it’s your coworker, who smiles and nods when you ask them to share that file with you, but the file never quite arrives. Or maybe it’s you, having your frustration with your romantic partner come out sideways instead of directly.
These are all examples of what we call passive aggression, a surprisingly common – and ineffective – communication style. This blog post will define passive aggression, give you examples of where it comes from and what it looks like, and offer some advice for reducing your own passive aggression and handling passive aggression from other people.
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What Is Passive Aggression? (A Definition)
Passive aggression is behavior that is aggressive toward somebody else, meaning it intends to cause them harm, but that is designed to minimize the appearance of anger and intention to hurt on the part of the aggressor (Hoffman, 1995). People who are passive-aggressive are either unaware of their anger or unwilling to show it directly, so they let it come out in passive aggressive ways instead. By being passive aggressive, the person can more easily deny to themselves that they are actually angry.
Passive aggression doesn’t occur in a vacuum; it is a response to stressful experiences (Schanz et al., 2021). In fact, the term passive aggression was created as a way of describing how certain soldiers during World War II would refuse to comply with orders they were given (Millon, 1993). Since obedience to authority is a strong expectation in military culture, soldiers were more likely to subtly or indirectly resist orders, such as by putting in minimal effort on tasks.
Passive aggression doesn’t occur in a vacuum; it is a response to stressful experiences (Schanz et al., 2021). In fact, the term passive aggression was created as a way of describing how certain soldiers during World War II would refuse to comply with orders they were given (Millon, 1993). Since obedience to authority is a strong expectation in military culture, soldiers were more likely to subtly or indirectly resist orders, such as by putting in minimal effort on tasks.
Opposite of Passive Aggression
The opposite of passive aggression is non-aggressive, assertive communication. As someone with plenty of passive aggressive behavior in my own past, I can offer you an example. I was previously in a romantic relationship where I sometimes participated in activities that my partner was excited about, but which didn’t interest me.
Instead of just going along with my partner’s wishes, while being resentful and disengaged from the activity, I could have communicated my needs directly. For example, I could have said, “I’m glad you want me to come, but I’m not very interested in doing that. Even though I’m worried about disappointing you, I think it makes more sense for me to do my own thing today. I think that’s better than me coming along and not enjoying things.” By addressing things like this, in a more assertive manner, we can help reduce the likelihood of passive aggression.
Examples of Passive Aggression
Let’s look at a couple examples of passive aggressive behavior in more depth. Suppose I am angry at you about something, but I feel guilty for being angry and don’t want to show you my anger. Nonetheless, my anger is there and I can’t fully suppress it. It might come out in some of the following ways:
- I do things that I know will upset you, but I do them in a way where I can plausibly deny that I meant for them to happen.
- I make plans that indicate I’m really excited to see you, but then cancel at the last minute.
- I give every indication that I’m going to help you with something, like planning a party, but then I “forget” to pick up crucial supplies, make a reservation, or hire an entertainer.
These are examples of other-directed, outward passive aggression. Many people are not aware that passive-aggressive behavior can be directed inward as well. When you are passive-aggressive towards yourself, you ignore your own needs or refuse to give yourself things you deserve. For example, if I’m frustrated with myself, but don’t want to acknowledge it, I might eat junk food for dinner because I don’t see myself as worthy of having healthy food. This kind of self-treatment seems to be more common in people who are experiencing depression (Schanz et al., 2022).
Passive Aggressive Comments & Phrases
If you can think of somebody in your life who seems bitter or frustrated under the surface, but tries not to let it show, you can probably identify some passive-aggressive things that they have said. Here are some examples of passive-aggressive comments and phrases to help you get a sense of what this behavior looks like. (With comments like these, imagine them said in a neutral, sarcastic, or cold tone.)
- When I say this, I mean no offense, but…
- I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
- I don’t blame you. I’m sure you tried your best.
- That’s a big deal, especially for you.
- I really ought to change my expectations of people.
- I admire how you just go for it, regardless of what people think.
- Don’t worry your silly little head about that; I’ve got it.
If some of these phrases sound like they could be well-intended or positive, that’s kind of the point. Passive aggression is aggression (thinly) disguised as niceness.
Passive aggression can also seem very ambiguous. For a humorous take on this phenomenon, I recommend watching the video below from a late-night talk show host:
Video: Jimmy Kimmel Explains Passive Aggressive Texts
Causes of Passive Aggression
What causes people to be passive-aggressive? One theory is that when people grow up in an environment where their anger is punished, their efforts at autonomy are resisted, and/or they are expected to submit to others’ authority, they learn that the least dangerous way to express their aggression is passively (Benjamin, 1993). Another theory is that people who are passive-aggressive see other people as demanding and likely to ask too much of them, while they see themselves as easily controlled by others (Pretzker & Beck, 1996). In this case, people would be passive-aggressive because it is the only kind of aggression of which they think they are capable.
Passive aggression is also considered a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory (Freud, 1936). Defense mechanisms are unconscious, instinctual behaviors done in reaction to emotional distress that we do not think we can handle. Since passive aggression does not resolve the situation – it is not a direct or effective expression of anger – it does not solve the situation at hand, and so it is considered an immature defense mechanism (Cramer, 2015; Vaillant, 1994).
I fully believe that passive aggression is something we learn by example. I know I grew up in a household where people who had trouble holding boundaries would go along with others’ requests, but express their frustration in quiet ways that seemed meant to fly under the radar. This kind of example can send the message that direct confrontation and assertion of one’s needs isn’t acceptable, necessary, or healthy.
Passive aggression is also considered a defense mechanism in psychoanalytic theory (Freud, 1936). Defense mechanisms are unconscious, instinctual behaviors done in reaction to emotional distress that we do not think we can handle. Since passive aggression does not resolve the situation – it is not a direct or effective expression of anger – it does not solve the situation at hand, and so it is considered an immature defense mechanism (Cramer, 2015; Vaillant, 1994).
I fully believe that passive aggression is something we learn by example. I know I grew up in a household where people who had trouble holding boundaries would go along with others’ requests, but express their frustration in quiet ways that seemed meant to fly under the radar. This kind of example can send the message that direct confrontation and assertion of one’s needs isn’t acceptable, necessary, or healthy.
Passive Aggressive Signs
In addition to watching out for the examples and phrases I’ve already mentioned, you can look for general signs in somebody’s personality that suggest they are more likely to behave passive-aggressively. People who are passive-aggressive have a harder time meeting their own needs, staying regulated around other people, and feeling secure in their social relationships (King & Terrance, 2006).
In other words, if you have a hard time trusting others or you get embarrassed about your own needs, you may be more likely to try to get what you want passive-aggressively. All forms of aggression are engaged in with the goal of getting something, or setting an important boundary – if you don’t think you deserve that something, or feel guilty about wanting that boundary, you may try to get it passive aggressively.
In other words, if you have a hard time trusting others or you get embarrassed about your own needs, you may be more likely to try to get what you want passive-aggressively. All forms of aggression are engaged in with the goal of getting something, or setting an important boundary – if you don’t think you deserve that something, or feel guilty about wanting that boundary, you may try to get it passive aggressively.
Passive Aggression in Relationships
All passive aggression occurs between people, and it has negative effects on relationship satisfaction, leading to negative interaction patterns and breakdown of effective interpersonal communication (Bach, 1971). In a romantic relationship, for example, if one partner resents never being thanked for their housework, but feels unable to state this dissatisfaction and ask for praise, they may withhold affection or start ignoring their partner instead.
There is some evidence that men and women engage in passive aggressive behaviors differently. For example, when women are highly sensitive to others’ needs, they may be less likely to use passive-aggression, but men who are highly sensitive to others’ needs may be more likely to behave passive-aggressively (Bekker et al., 2007). It is thought that this is because women are socialized not to be aggressive at all, while sensitive men will want to aggress covertly, not overtly.
There is some evidence that men and women engage in passive aggressive behaviors differently. For example, when women are highly sensitive to others’ needs, they may be less likely to use passive-aggression, but men who are highly sensitive to others’ needs may be more likely to behave passive-aggressively (Bekker et al., 2007). It is thought that this is because women are socialized not to be aggressive at all, while sensitive men will want to aggress covertly, not overtly.
What Is a Passive Aggressive Narcissist?
Research tells us that passive-aggression is a typical defense mechanism in people who are narcissistic (Mielimaka et al., 2018). Why might this be? It is probably threatening to the self-image of most people with narcissism to imagine themselves as aggressive, whereas trying to get their needs met in a way that looks and sounds “nicer” would align better with their positive self-image. This may appear as covert narcissism.
Is Passive Aggression Abuse?
Since passive aggression is a very common behavior, it does not automatically constitute abuse. However, when people who are passive-aggressive on a regular basis, or it happens in the context of other abusive behaviors, then passive aggression can absolutely be abusive.
List of Passive Aggressive Behaviors
To help you fully understand passive aggression, here are some additional examples of passive-aggressive behaviors:
- Withholding affection or relationship behaviors you usually engage in
- Procrastinating on commitments you’ve made to other people
- Holding back your true feelings when you say you’re being honest
- Repeatedly forgetting commitments you’ve made or showing up late
- Sulking or acting resentful to get attention from others
How To Deal With Passive Aggression
Here are some tips for dealing with passive aggression in yourself and in others.
If you think you are behaving passive-aggressively, you can try the following:
If you think you are behaving passive-aggressively, you can try the following:
- Try your best to understand what you are feeling. Might you be in denial about feeling angry or frustrated? Sad or disappointed?
- Try your best to understand how your feelings are connected to your behaviors. Do you find yourself wanting to hide from your partner or friends when you are angry at them?
- Recognize that these interactions are your responsibility. If you start ignoring your partner when you feel let down by them, they cannot fix this behavior for you.
- Ask someone else – who is not emotionally invested in the situation – for help analyzing what’s going on. They can give you a more objective assessment of what’s happening.
- Practice articulating your feelings-behavior connection. You might say it to a friend first: “When I feel let down by him, I want to avoid interacting with him so I don’t feel more hurt.” Work up to telling the person directly what you’re feeling.
If you perceive that other people are behaving passive-aggressively, you can try the following:
- Name the impact of the behavior in a way that is not shaming or blaming of the other person: “It is upsetting to me when you show up late to dinner. I want to understand why this keeps happening.”
- Don’t take responsibility for a behavior that is outside your control, but also be honest about your role in the situation: “There might be times when I am not clear in my expectations, but I also think this is an ongoing pattern of behavior on your side that won’t work for me.”
- Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from more passive-aggressive behavior: “If we can’t have our meals start at the right time, I may not be able to go to dinner with you anymore.”
Quotes on Passive Aggression
Here are a few insightful quotes about passive aggression:
- “Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.” – Bill Maher
- “You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people that want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.” – Shannon L. Alder
- “I’m not passive aggressive. If something bothers me, I think about it, then I act on it. I express it.” – Anton Yelchin
- “I’d rather have an enemy who admits that they hate me than a friend who secretly puts me down.” – Karen Salmansohn
- “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard M. Baruch
Articles Related to Passive Aggression
Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.
Books Related to Passive Aggression
To keep learning, here are some books to explore:
Final Thoughts on Passive Aggression
If you notice yourself engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors, I encourage you not to start blaming or shaming yourself. We all can be passive aggressive from time to time. Personally, it took lots of self-reflection, the help of close friends, and lots of support and accountability for me to reduce the amount of the time I was passive aggressive. The rewards are worth the effort, though, so I hope you can take action to reduce the impacts of passive aggression in your life.
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References
- Bach, G. (1971). Aggression lab: The fair fight manual. Dubuque, IA: Kendall-Hunt.
- Bekker, M. H. J., Bachrach, N., & Croon, M. A. (2007). The relationships of antisocial behavior with attachment styles, autonomy-connectedness, and alexithymia. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 63, 507-527.
- Benjamin, L.S. (1993). Interpersonal diagnosis and treatment of personality disorders. New York: Guilford.
- Cramer, P. (2015). Understanding defense mechanisms. Psychodynamic Psychiatry, 43, 523–552.
- Freud, A. (1936). The ego and the mechanisms of defense. New York, NY: International University Press.
- Hoffman, R. M. (1995). Silent rage: Passive-aggressive behavior in organizations. Unpublished dissertation. The Union Institute.
- King, A. R., & Terrance, C. (2006). Relationships between personality disorder attributes and friendship qualities among college students. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(1), 5-20.
- Mielimaka, M., Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Kealy, D., Cheek, J., & Joyce, A. S. (2018). Narcissism and interpersonal problems among psychiatric outpatients. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 206(9), 711–715.
- Millon, T. (1993). Negativistic (passive-aggressive) personality disorder. Journal of Personality Disorders, 7, 78–85.
- Pretzer, J.L., & Beck, A.T. (1996). A cognitive theory of personality disorders. In J.F. Clarkin and M.F. Lenzenweger (Eds.), Major Theories of Personality Disorder (pp. 36-105). New York: Guilford.
- Schanz, C. G. Equit, M., Schafer, S. K., Kafer, M., Mattheus, H. K., & Michael, T. (2021). Development and psychometric properties of the test of passive aggression. Frontiers in Psychology, 579183.
- Schanz, C. G., Schafer, S. K., & Michael, T. (2022). Self-directed passive-aggressive behaviour as an essential component of depression: findings from two cross-sectional observational studies. BMC Psychiatry, 22, 200.
- Vaillant, G. E. (1994). Ego mechanisms of defense and personality psychopathology. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 103(1), 44-50.
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