Relationship Goals: Definition, Examples, & Tips

A goal is something you want to achieve or experience – it is the mental representation you have of something you want (Austin & Vancouver, 1996). So relationship goals are our desired relationship outcomes and experiences. Since relationships are so central to our well-being, it is no surprise that almost all of us can identify goals we have that concern the establishment and maintenance of close relationships (Reis et al., 2000). For example, most people want to experience loving relationships and conceptualize such a relationship as including companionship, a sense of friendship, and in the case of romantic relationships, sexual attraction (Graham, 2011).​

At the same time, relationship goals are unique to each person – each person combines these possibilities into a set of goals that reflects their own personality and needs. For example, introverts and extroverts differ in their approach to social networking sites, because they often have different relationship priorities and see social media as meeting their needs differently (Wang & Zhang, 2018). (This is one of the reasons I think I might be an introvert: I just can’t get interested in using social media.)

​And relationship goals change over time. For example, I often find that after a romantic relationship ends, I become more focused on deepening relationships with my friends. Then, I eventually find myself wanting to date again, and my priorities shift again.

Having healthy and stable social relationships is a fundamental human need and motivator (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Our self-esteem and sense of purpose in life are elevated by having close relationships (Cheung et al., 2013; Routledge et al., 2011). In this sense, not having relationship goals would suggest that one is not concerned with close relationships, which might lead to worse well-being over time (Sheldon & Houser-Marko, 2001).

In other words, without relationship goals, we would not make progress toward having the quality relationships we need to survive and thrive. I would also argue that without relationship goals, we are also more at risk of ending up in stagnant relationships that do not satisfy us.​

The main benefits of having relationship goals – and taking action to achieve them – are better mental health and overall well-being (Lee et al., 2019). The whole “action” part is especially important: people who are willing to pursue their relationship goals, even if those goals aren’t fully met, will typically experience greater well-being than people who avoid pursuing their relationship goals (Lee et al., 2019).

Also, knowing one’s own relationship goals, and pairing up with another person who has similar relationship goals, will generally result in greater relationship quality (Fonseca et al., 2021). In this sense, being aware of your own relationship goals can help you find friends and romantic partners with whom you are more compatible.

That is a psychology research finding to which I can really relate. I feel especially enthusiastic about a new person in my life when I sense that we both want a similar level of connection. At the same time, I find it hard to stay interested in relating to somebody who wants way less – or way more – connection than I do.​

As I noted above, relationship goals change over time. For example, some relationship goals are more normative at certain ages than others. Young adults tend to have relationship goals that focus on exploring different partners and kinds of relationships, then eventually settling down with a long-term romantic partner (Arnett, 2000). The goal of exploring relationships is less typical in middle-aged and elderly adults, by comparison.

Relationship goals that move us closer to other people tend to enrich our lives (Harasymchuk et al., 2020). For example, when my latest romantic relationship ended, I immersed myself in the world of rock climbing – an activity that is mostly done with other people. Now I have several climbing dates a week with different friends, many of whom have come to know each other. My circle of friends is expanding and deepening because I chose to pursue a physical activity that is also intrinsically social.

There are also relationship goals that focus on limiting or avoiding social contact. For example, I might have the goal of only having relationships that feel safe and comfortable. These are called avoidance goals, and while they can be important for our sense of safety, they are also sometimes related to lower psychological health (Gable, 2006; Lee et al., 2019).​

Here are a couple of ideas for relationship goals (Schlenker, 2003): (1) present yourself authentically and (2) be compassionate and altruistic.

​In relationships, we want to be accepted and liked. It is tempting to put our best selves forward, because it is often our best selves that get the best results, such as making a good first impression with new people or at a job interview. However, always being our best selves is not sustainable or realistic; it can tire us out and rub people the wrong way. Presenting ourselves authentically means sharing some of the good and some of the bad. This allows people to see us as we really are. Authenticity is attractive to others, and as long as we don’t overwhelm people with the less-desirable sides of ourselves, they will want to get even closer to us.

A simple relationship goal of feeling compassion for others, and doing things for them accordingly, can be both intrinsically rewarding and can help you meet other relationship goals. Compassion and altruism make us positive forces in the lives of others, and people are naturally drawn to people who show that they care in words and in action.

My favorite relationship goals advice for single people comes from the sex advice columnist Dan Savage, who encourages single people to just focus on becoming the best versions of themselves (Savage, 1998). His theory – and anecdotally, I have seen this work out for many people – is that by moving toward all our other goals and passions, we will naturally encounter the people we are meant to connect with – including romantic partners.​

​If this doesn’t provide you with much consolation, I can also share that relationship research has shown that sex appeal isn’t everything; you really don’t need to look like a model to make a good impression, even in online dating (Menkin et al., 2015). Many online daters say they value interpersonal communication skills more than sex appeal, so perhaps working toward the relationship goal of connecting authentically with others is more important than blowing people away with your looks.

As I noted above, we can have both approach and avoidance goals when it comes to relationships. Approach goals keep us in contact with other people, while avoidance goals are related to averting painful contact with other people (Gable, 2006; Impett et al., 2010). I am going to boil down a lot of relationship science into a single relationship goal: do your best to keep moving toward your partner (assuming you are not in a toxic relationship). Most of the time, focus on approach goals.

What does this mean? For one thing, it means having relationship goals focused on handling conflict and moving through negative emotions, not avoiding them altogether (Ogolsky et al., 2017). It means recognizing that doing things in relationship – experiencing the world through a sense of “we” – expands our sense of who we are as individuals, giving us a deeper and more varied sense of self (Aron & Aron, 1996). If we start to feel tired of or bored in our closest relationships, we can set the goal of working on the relationship, not disengaging from it. If we think we are growing apart, we can talk about it and see if there are ways to grow back together.​

Here are a few related tips for developing and committing to relationship goals that will increase the depth and meaningfulness of your relationships: 
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1. Focus on generating positive experiences, not avoiding negative ones (Impett et al., 2008). Focusing on avoiding negative interactions encourages us not to engage with other people (Gable & Gosnell, 2013). It could also encourage us to look at the world through a lens of fear. Instead, we can focus on moving toward experiences that we do want to have in relationships.
2. Work to establish safety in all your relationships. There are multiple kinds of safety in a relationship (Markman et al., 2001): physical, emotional, commitment, and community safety. You might ask yourself these questions: Do people feel physically comfortable around me? Can I share my emotions and do other people feel comfortable sharing theirs? Do people know that I am committed to upholding my relationships with them? And are my relationships based in safe places – communities that I feel good about?
3. Make conscious, intentional decisions (Stanley et al., 2006). Making relationship decisions that we can directly relate to our relationship goals helps us avoid being overcommitted or under-committed to our relationships.

​For more tips on relationship goals, I recommend watching the following video:

• “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” – Robert C. Dodds
• “Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
• “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr
• “Never above you. Never below you. Always beside you.” – Walter Winchell
• “Let’s not forget, it’s you and me vs. the problem. Not you vs. me.” – Steve Maraboli
• “People are weird. When we find someone with a weirdness that is compatible with ours, we team up and call it love.” – Dr. Seuss

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• Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55, 469–480.
• Aron, E. N., & Aron, A. (1996). Love and expansion of the self: The state of the model. Personal Relationships, 3, 45–58.
• Austin, J. T., & Vancouver, J. B. (1996). Goal constructs in psychology: Structure, process, and content. Psychological Bulletin, 120, 338-375.
• Avivi, Y. E., Laurenceau, J. P., & Carver, C. S. (2009). Linking relationship quality to perceived mutuality of relationship goals and perceived goal progress. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 28(2), 137-164.
• Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motive. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497-529.
• Bernecker, K., Ghassemi, M., & Brandstätter, V. (2019). Approach and avoidance relationship goals and couples’ nonverbal communication during conflict. European Journal of Social Psychology, 49(3), 622-636.
• Cheung, W-Y., Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Hepper, E. G., Arndt, J., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2013). Back to the future: Nostalgia increases optimism. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39, 1484-1496.
• Erikson, E. H. (1959). Identity and the life cycle: Selected papers [Monograph]. Psychological Issues, 1, 1–171.
• Fonseca, A. L., Ye, T., Curran, M., Koyama, J., & Butler, E. A. (2021). Cultural similarities and differences in relationship goals in intercultural romantic couples. Journal of Family Issues, 42(4), 813-838.
• Gable, S. L. (2006). Approach and avoidance social motives and goals. Journal of Personality, 74(1), 175–222.
• Gable, S. L., & Gosnell, C. L. (2013). Approach and avoidance behavior in interpersonal relationships. Emotion Review 5(3), 269–274
• Graham, J. M. (2011). Measuring love in romantic relationships: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 28, 748-771.
• Harasymchuk, C., Muise, A., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. (2020). Broadening your horizon one day at a time: The role of daily approach relationship goals in shaping self-expansion. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37, 1910–1926.
• Impett, E. A., Gordon, A. M., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., Gable, S. L., & Keltner, D. (2010). Moving toward more perfect unions: Daily and long-term consequences of approach and avoidance goals in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(6), 948–963.
• Impett, E. A., Strachman, A., Finkel, E. J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Maintaining sexual desire in intimate relationships: The importance of approach goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(5), 808–823.
• Lee, H., Lou, N. M., Johnson, M. D., & Park, S. W. (2019). A socioecological perspective to understanding mental and physical health: The mediating role of relationship mindsets and goals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(10), 3117-3138.
• Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
• Menkin, J. A., Robles, T. F., Wiley, J. F., & Gonzaga, G. C. (2015). Online dating across the life span: Users’ relationship goals. Psychology and Aging, 30(4), 987.
• Ogolsky, B. G., Monk, J. K., Rice, T. M., Theisen, J. C., & Maniotes, C. R. (2017). Relationship maintenance: A review of research on romantic relationships. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(3), 275–306.
• Reis, H. T., Collins, W. A., & Berscheid, E. (2000). The relationship context of human behavior and development. Psychological Bulletin, 126(6), 844.
• Savage, D. (1998). Savage love: Straight answers from America’s most popular sex columnist. Penguin.
• Schlenker, B. R. (2003). Self-presentation. In M. R. Leary & J. P. Tangney (Eds.), Handbook of self and identity (pp. 492–518). New York: Guilford Press.
• Sheldon, K. M., & Houser-Marko, L. (2001). Self-concordance, goal attainment, and the pursuit of happiness: Can there be an upward spiral? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 152-165.
• Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding versus deciding: Inertia and the premarital cohabitation effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499-509.
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