Small Talk: Definition, Questions, & Examples
Small talk makes up a third of our daily conversation – not a small role in our lives at all! Learn the science behind small talk and how to engage in small talk more effectively.
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Although I’m settling into my identity as a Colorado transplant, I grew up in a Boston suburb, and I still identify strongly with my obnoxiously sports-focused, history-laden, thick-accented, over-educated home city. Bostonians are loud and proud and not ashamed of it – you’re welcome to join me in the room reserved for us at my favorite Denver sports bar if you have any doubts. |
Now, is there a point to all this small talk? Am I just filling the silence, smoothing over my own discomfort, or is my willingness to do the whole small talk thing actually worth something? Turns out that psychologists and linguists have spent a lot of time studying small talk, which actually comprises nearly a third of all the time we spend talking (Bullis & Bach, 1991). Let’s look at the definition of small talk and the importance of small talk in our daily lives, then review plenty of examples so that you know you’re ready to ace your next small talk scenario.
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What Is Small Talk? (A Definition)
Small talk is a ritualized and formulaic form of conversation, generally consisting of simple exchanges focused on a range of topics that are considered “safe” to talk about for people who might not know each other well (Padilla Cruz, 2005). The content of small talk is typically either trivial or unimportant or based on common knowledge, offering plenty of opportunities for all people involved to participate safely.
Linguists differentiate small talk from other forms of conversation by pointing out that small talk rarely features the actual transmission of usual information (e.g., Coupland, 2000). The point of small talk is instead to establish a feeling of solidarity or connection (or at very least, acknowledgment) among the people involved.
For example, when two people waiting at a bus stop remark on the clouds on the horizon, they may not be providing each other with any novel information. Rather, the point of their conversation is to acknowledge each other’s existence and experience, because it would be rude or awkward not to interact at all. A byproduct of this conversation, though, is that both people feel recognized and like they share some common ground. After all, we’re both going to face the same ordeal of dealing with the rain if those clouds come our way.
In other words, small talk is about being polite more than it is about being interesting or helpful (Malinowski, 1972). This is why topics such as the weather, sports, one’s weekend plans, or something one saw on television are among the most common small talk topics (Vitukevich, 2016): the content of small talk is not particularly important. The moment a conversation becomes about a transaction or any other goal, it has ceased to be small talk (Malinowski, 1972).
Why Small Talk Is Important
Why is it important to establish this common ground? Small talk is often a key part of our first impressions of each other, and our (relatively accurate) perceptions of each other’s personalities can be established in the first several minutes of meeting each other – minutes which are dominated by small talk (Bose & Sgroi, 2022).
Additionally, small talk is highly effective in moments when silence might cause social tension, or where tension already exists and needs to be released (McCarthy, 2000). Research tells us that small talk can ease conversations that would otherwise be painful or unpleasant, improve the moods of the people involved, and create a sense of belonging in a group (Bullis & Bach, 1991; Tracy & Naughton, 2000). For example, I was once stuck on a subway car that was motionless and experiencing serious maintenance issues, and another rider cracked a joke – not bitter or angry, but perhaps slightly sarcastic – that dissolved the tension in the subway car instantly. Just like that, we were all bonded together in a positive way by our situation.
Another effective use of small talk is to ease people through transitions (Coupland, 2000). Think of the initial conversation between two couples as one arrives at the other’s house for dinner for the first time. Pleasant but relatively meaningless queries about the drive over, perhaps regarding route finding or the rush hour traffic, can carry the people involved from taking off shoes and coats to sitting down at the dining room table. Indeed, greeting and parting ways are some of the most common situations where small talk is deployed (Coupland, 2000).
Questions for Small Talk
Small talk questions will be most effective when they reference something that is commonly understood or that is in the immediate environment (Coupland, 2000). For example, the other day I remarked to my climbing partner when we both arrived for an early morning workout, “Ever seen this place so busy this early in the morning?” Or I might ask somebody at my usual bus stop, “It’s usually a few minutes late, right?”
Small Talk Topics
I could also combine the two kinds of small talk with an utterance such as, “I really thought it would be warmer today.” If I’m underdressed, this is a comment that is both self-referential and also invites the other person to comment on the weather as well. A comment like this will be especially successful as small talk if the other person is underdressed as well, or if the weather is unexpected; we then have more common ground around which we can build a sense of connection (Coupland, 2000).
Small talk and social identities
One linguist noticed that the kinds of small talk topics are raised depends on the social identities of the people involved and how they relate to each other (Laver, 1974). In particular, when there is a status difference between the two people, both people are more likely to comment on the person with lower status than the person with higher status. For example, if I go to meet the British royal family, I am more likely to make a self-deprecating joke about whether I am dressed appropriately for the occasion than I am to remark on what the royals are wearing.
Laver (1974) also observed that people who have less solidarity with each other are more likely to remark on things outside themselves in small talk. For example, if I’m sitting at a bar watching a football game and somebody wearing a Red Sox hat sits down next to me, I might ask them where they are from. But if they’re not wearing anything Boston-related, I might instead make a more general remark about the football game.
How To Do Small Talk
Okay, we have already covered plenty of examples, but let’s consider more of the basics of how to set yourself up for successful small talk. To do small talk, keep in mind the following key characteristics of small talk (Coupland, 2000):
1) Choose a topic that establishes common ground. Take in your shared environment. What are you both experiencing? What characteristics do you both clearly share? Are you both soaking wet from a sudden rainstorm? Are you both waiting in a long line for early morning coffee at the airport?
2) Consider how well you know each other. Somebody you know well might be amused by a comment with a choice curse word in it, but that might not be appropriate with a stranger. The person you’re talking to might always dress very fashionably, or it could be out of character for them. If you’re not sure, it might be better to start by commenting on something else.
3) Give the other person an opening to respond. Small talk is reciprocal – it thrives on both people being able to participate. When you initiate small talk, make sure the topic is something you know the other person can comment on. If they bring up something you can comment on, respond in a way that keeps the conversation going.
Small Talk Examples
Let’s look at small talk examples across several different contexts. When one part of the family visits another at the holidays, small talk might revolve around small changes in people’s appearance, general questions about how people have been doing, how the trip from one house to another was, or voicing excitement about the holiday events.
Small talk at work
When two people cross paths at the office on a Monday morning, they might ask each other about their weekends, remark on their commutes, or make comments about something work-related they are both aware of, such as an upcoming meeting or impending deadline.
Small talk with friends
Small talk can also be used to transition into more serious topics. When you sit down to lunch with your best friend, you might ask how they are doing, but fully expect that after giving you a superficial response, they will also begin to provide a more substantial response. And if they don’t get the hint when you say, “So how are you?”, you might follow up with, “So how are you really doing?”
Small Talk for Introverts
Here is a video with some more helpful advice for introverts:
Video: How to Handle Small Talk as an Introvert
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Final Thoughts on Small Talk
For folks who feel like they have small talk mastered, I have a different suggestion: use your skills for good out in the world. Small talk is a really effective social lubricant, and you can leverage your small talk prowess to make other people’s days more pleasant. These moments won’t just brighten other people’s days – they can also help you feel more connected to other people and brighten your own day, too.
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References
- Bose, N., & Sgroi, D. (2022). The role of personality beliefs and “small talk” in strategic behavior. Plos one, 17(9), e0269523.
- Bullis, C., & Bach, B. W. (1991). An explication and test of communication network content and multiplexity as predictors of organizational identification. Western Journal of Communication, 55, 180–197.
- Cain, S. (2013). Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. Broadway Books.
- Coupland, J. (Ed.). (2000). Small talk. Harlow, UK: Pearson Education.
- Holmes, J., & Stubbe, M. (2015). Power and politeness in the workplace (2nd ed.). London: Longman.
- Laver, J. (1974). Communicative functions of phatic communion. Work in Progress, 7, 1-17.
- Malinowski, B. (1972). Phatic communion: Communication in face-to-face interaction. Harmondworth: Penguin Books.
- McCarthy, M. (2000). Mutually captive audiences: Small talk and the genre of close-contact service encounters. In J. Coupland (Ed.), Small talk (pp. 84–110). Harlow, UK: Pearson Education.
- Padilla Cruz, M. (2005). Teaching to be phatic: a pragmatic approach. IV Jornadas de Metodología de la Lengua Inglesa, 3, 57-66.
- Tracy, K., & Naughton, J. (2000). Institutional identity-work: A better lens. In J. Coupland (Ed.), Small talk (pp. 62–84). Harlow, UK: Pearson Education Ltd.
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