Stages of Love: Definitions, Examples, & Explanation

Decades of research on human development can begin to help us answer the questions, what is love and how does it change across time? For example, Susanne Cook-Grueter’s theory of ego development demonstrates how each person’s understanding of the world—and everything in it—changes as they move through the stages of development (Cook-Grueter, 2014). Terry O’Fallon further specifies that aspects of love, such as compassion and empathy, also go through these changes (O’Fallon, 2023).

This theory and research can serve as a map, helping us to understand when, why, and how our definitions of love shift. With this map, we can better understand the “stages of love”—or how we define and experience love at different stages of development. 

For most of my life, I never questioned the definition of love, or even really thought about it. As an emotional psychologist, I relied on solid definitions of concepts. Throughout my entire training, I was completely unaware that the skills I was teaching related to love—e.g., gratitude, forgiveness, self-compassion, empathy, etc…—were only relevant to—or understood by—a certain subset of people. That is, the things I was writing about—and the exercises I was creating to help people build well-being-boosting skills—were only relevant to people at certain developmental stages, who understood the definition I was using. 

But then something strange happened—my definition of love—and therefore my belief about what love is—changed! I suddenly realized that as we develop, our definitions change. And when our definitions change, our experiences change. Our experiences tend to emerge in the following way:

Belief > Thought > Emotion > Behavior > Experience

So when our belief about what love is changes, our thoughts about love change, our emotions related to love change, our behaviors (or expressions of love) change, and our experience of love changes. It changes everything!

So, what are the stages of love? Here is a quick and very general overview of what appear to be the primary stages of love.

1. Stage 1: Love is satisfying our immediate needs.
2. Stage 2: Love is loyalty. 
3. Stage 3: Love is “loving” action.
4. Stage 4: Love is an experience.
5. Stage 5: Love is understanding.
6. Stage 6: Love is selflessness. 
7. Stage 7: Love is acceptance. 
8. Stage 8: Love is ineffable.

Keep in mind that these are general definitions and will vary from person to person. However, they give us an initial idea of how love is defined in each stage. 

Below you can see our initial estimates of how many people are in each stage (important note: These measures are inherently flawed because people use words differently at each stage).

At this stage, our own desires and needs are the most important thing to us. Because our wants and needs emerge in the present moment, it is difficult for us at this stage to learn from our past or see how our actions may result in consequences. We may be shameless or guiltless—the causes of our experiences seem to be outside of ourselves. Given our lack of planning and long-term thinking, we are likely to make many mistakes when it comes to love. 

In relationships, we may be charming and likable—any troubling acts are not premeditated. However, we can unintentionally cause many hurt feelings as we may be manipulative, passive-aggressive, and unpredictable (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). Given love is defined as meeting our own needs, we only experience love for those who meet our immediate needs.

Examples of Love Stage 1 

• If we tell someone at this stage that they hurt or angered us, they may respond almost as if they are a young child. They may lash out in a tantrum-like fashion or alternatively, cower as if we were their parent scolding them, or default to lying to “get out of trouble”.
• If we try to express our emotions to this person, they may express kindness, pity, or sympathy for us, but it will be near-impossible for them to empathize with us—or put themselves in our shoes. 
• If we tell this person that something they are doing hurts us, they will continue to do it again and again, unable to learn from the past mistake.
• This person will put their needs above all others, including children and spouses.

At this stage, we begin to develop social skills like sharing and protecting one another. At this stage, this applies to our immediate group only (e.g., our family, friends, church, or peer group). We are also beginning to develop empathy. Now, we are beginning to see how other people see us.

Along with this shift in perspective comes an unquestioned acceptance of people in our in-group and an unquestioned rejection of those in our out-group (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). Thus, love is defined as total loyalty. Given love is defined as loyalty, we don’t experience love for those who are outside our immediate peer group. This love is possessive, clingy, and often codependent. Any transgression that we perceive to indicate non-loyalty can result in a complete withdrawal of love. 

Examples of Love Stage 2

• If we tell someone at this stage that we want space, boundaries, or to spend time with other people, they may perceive this as a lack of loyalty and lash out at us.
• We may feel that we have to blindly agree with this person (or walk on eggshells) to avoid being rejected by them.
• A person at this stage may interpret feedback, criticism, or honest communication as a lack of love.

Example of someone in Love Stage 2 
Marge Simpson is a good example of someone in love stage 2. Despite her husband’s selfishness, she remains loyal, continuing to constantly put her family above her own needs.

At this stage, we can now step back and observe our own interior self and feelings. As a result, we may think “we have it all figured out” or display “know-it-all” ism. This stage of love can often lead to an increase in self-centeredness, social comparison, competitiveness, and jealousy. We may also find ourselves blaming others, as we are not yet sure what our interior emotions mean. 

On the plus side, this perspective allows us to experience an internal sense of love and see the causes that lead to the short-term future. This skill enables us to see how our actions affect others and we begin to take actions that improve our near future (rather than just our present; Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). As a result, we can engage in “loving” actions that often make others feel good. Given love is defined as action, we experience love only for those who we interact with directly.

Examples of Love Stage 3

• If we tell someone at this stage that they hurt us, they may blame us for our own hurt and claim that their actions were superior. 
• We may observe that this person thinks their own beliefs, smarts, opinions, etc… are better than others.
• This person may display jealous behavior towards us (or others) if we demonstrate abilities that they have not developed. 
• A person at this stage may interpret our actions—if they deem them to be unloving—to indicate our lack of love for them.

Example of someone in Love Stage 3 
The wildly popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, provides numerous examples of how people might express love at this stage. It’s not surprising how popular this book is given approximately 21-48% of adults are in this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014). You can learn more about the love languages in this article.

At this stage, we can increasingly see into the future (a 5-year plan can now be created). We can now engage in planning and future-thinking, which can help us not only avoid repeating mistakes in relationships but also improve our relationships over time. We can now begin to prioritize (perhaps spending more time with people we enjoy) and focus our efforts in ways that lead to more positive outcomes (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). 

Here, we also begin to be more interested in our relationships with others and we seek to create stronger, healthier emotional bonds in relationships. We take responsibility for our actions and work to improve ourselves. Given love is defined as an experience (or outcome or bond), we begin to see that we can share love even with people we have never met (for example, by donating money or creating something of value that reaches people outside our community). 

Examples of Love Stage 4

• Someone at this stage may ask us questions and show genuine curiosity about us. 
• This person may tailor their loving actions specifically to us to produce the best outcomes (e.g., to make us happy). 
• A person at this stage may use their experiences as a gauge to assess whether or not we love them (e.g., How connected do they feel? Do they experience a feeling of love when with us). 
• If they don’t feel​ the experience of being loved, they may interpret this as a lack of love for them.

Example of someone in Love Stage 4
The book, Love 2.0: Creating Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection, describes love at this stage. The author describes love as a “micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another human being”. This is an outcome or experience caused by our or others’ actions.

At this stage, we understand ourselves to be more than one thing, and we can see how our actions might take us on different paths over 10 or more years. This leads us to begin questioning whether or not our existing relationships will be good for us in 10+ years(Murray & O’Fallon, 2020). We can use this new information to find the “right” marriage partner or “right” friend group for us.

We also become deeply interested in getting to know people for who they truly are. We enjoy deep conversations, take pleasure in learning what drives others, and seek to truly understand another person’s needs, opinions, and perspectives (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). Love is now about understanding—we show our love by trying to understand others, and we experience love when others try to understand us. Given love is defined as understanding, we begin to experience love for a broader range of people as we aim to understand even those who we will never meet.  

Examples of Love Stage 5

• Someone at this stage may try to get to know us deeply, probing into why we do what we do or believe what we believe. 
• This person may show their love for us through conversation and deep questions. 
• A person at this stage may feel a lack of love for us if they don’t understand us or feel we don’t understand them. 

Example of someone in Love Stage 5
While writing this article, I stumbled upon a perfect example of someone in this stage while watching season 21 of The Bachelorette. While experiencing intense confusion about the expressions of love coming from one of the contestants, Jen Tran stated her own definition of love, “to love someone means to really understand them.” She is clearly in love stage 5.

At this stage, we begin to see that a cause not only leads to an effect but that an effect is also a cause of another cause, and so on (in other words, we see patterns). For example, say that our relationship partner cheats on us. If we are at this stage, we can look backward in time to how some of our harmful actions contributed to their behavior. But we also see how their actions contributed to our harmful actions. We begin to understand that nothing is black and white, and everything is grey. We can be both the perpetrator and the victim at the same time (Cook-Grueter, 2014). 

This perspective enables us to practice a more selfless love. We don’t blame others so much and instead see that everyone is doing the best they can. As a result, we begin to show our love by wanting the best for others, even if that means they need to do something that doesn’t feel so good to us (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). Given love is defined as selflessness, we begin to be able to experience love for the whole world—everyone is flawed, and it’s okay (Wilber, 2003)—we just want everyone to be as happy as they can be.

Examples of Love Stage 6

• If we share our needs or boundaries with someone at this stage, they will support us as much as they are able to. 
• We may feel supported in our decisions by someone at this stage. They may still voice their disagreement but also recognize that we have the right to do what’s best for us.  
• This person may show their love for us by helping us explore what’s right for us. They don’t want to influence our decision-making; they want us to have our own autonomy. 
• A person at this stage may feel a lack of love for us if we try to manipulate them, guilt trip them, or try to force them to do things that are not in their best interest.

Example of someone in Love Stage 6
Only about 5% of people arrive at this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). A quote that represents how someone feels at this stage is, “If you like a bird, you will keep it in a cage, but if you love the bird, you will let the bird go.” — Ahsanul Irfan.

This stage brings us to a new level of understanding that enables us to see through all of our earlier definitions of love. We see how we’ve turned our past experiences of love into stories—stories that don’t actually reflect reality (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010). For example, maybe my x-partner was cruel and manipulative. This experience turned into a mental story that this partner (and others like them) are unloving and perhaps not deserving of love.

We now perceive that we made up all the stories and ideas we have about love. For example, we may have labeled an action as unloving based on our definition of love at the time. We now see that this was only our perception and not something real. Thus, we begin to love, accept, and forgive everything. Everything is what it is. Love becomes simply the act of radically accepting whatever happens, regardless of whether our mind labels it as good or bad. Forgiveness no longer makes any sense because there is nothing to forgive. 

Given love is defined as acceptance, we begin to experience our love extending to more and more things. Everything is what is it—and we are what we are—so non-acceptance is non-sensical. Although we can appreciate even the challenges that others bring to our lives, we still find ourselves selectively accepting certain things and unable to accept other things. Complete and total love is not yet our lived experience.

Examples of Love Stage 7

• Interacting with people at this stage can be unpredictable. They’ve stopped relying on many of the roles and rules that structure society and therefore may behave in ways that we perceive as unloving.  
• We may feel completely comfortable being ourselves with someone at this stage as they accept us in ways that are extremely uncommon.
• This person may show their love for us by simply being present with us. They allow whatever happens to happen. 
• A person at this stage may experience disturbance in themselves when they judge others and may therefore avoid people that they are still judgemental of.

Example of someone in Love Stage 7
The books, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha, and Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, and Find Peace in Any Situation, touch on this rare state of love, helping people to understand and cultivate this loving mindset.

This stage deepens our acceptance and morphs into feelings of oneness, such that one person loving another person no longer makes any sense. Life may be experienced more like a movie or video game—we’re all just pixels. The “I” thought (as termed by Ramama Maharshi) is gone, so love is no longer an interaction between “I” and “you”. Instead, love becomes unconditional—it is experienced as part of the essence of all. 

Note. Given there are few people in this stage, the research likely doesn’t have a great view of all the experiences of this stage (Cook-Grueter, 2014; O’Fallon, 2010).

Examples of Love Stage 8

• People at this stage are non-demanding, allowing whatever occurs to occur without emotional reactivity.
• Given love is no longer defined as between 2 people, individuals at this stage may seem cold or unloving to those at other stages. 
• This person may show extreme compassion and love for all things. 

Example of someone in Love Stage 8
Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, is at love stage 8. It’s fascinating listening to how he experiences the world and how everything is loved as it is. Check out this video on level of love to learn from Eckhart.

Now that you better understand the stages of love, it’s easy to see why we have so many difficulties in loving and sexual relationships. If people define love in different ways, they can both be doing the absolute best they can—expressing love in the ways that make sense to them. Yet, we can still end up feeling confused, rejected, and unloved by those who claim to “love” us. 

For example, someone very close to me is in the first stage of love. Our interactions confused and frustrated me to no end because I could see that this person loved me, yet they were unable to understand my basic needs or empathize with any of my experiences. It wasn’t until I began to learn about these stages that I understood what was happening and why my expectations for this person were unreasonable. This insight was very healing for me, and I now understand that this person loves me as much as they are able to.

• Cook-Greuter, S. (2014). Ego development: A full-spectrum theory of vertical growth and meaning making. mimeo, Wayland.
• O’Fallon, T. (2010). The evolution of the human soul: Developmental practices in spiritual guidance. Excerpt from Masters in Spiritual Direction.
• O’Fallon, T. (2023). The Developmental Path to the Sacred with Terri O’Fallon. YouTube. Retrieved 8/30/2024 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiFFbJ4vz2A​
• Murray, T., & O’Fallon, T. (2020). A Summary of Research on and with the STAGES Developmental Model. Integral Review, 16(1), 39-68.
• Wilber, Ken (2003). Kosmic Consciousness (Audio CD). Sounds True.
• ​Wilber, K. (2007). Integral spirituality: A startling new role for religion in the modern and postmodern world. Shambhala Publications.
• Wikipedia. (n.d.). Love. Retrieved 8/14/2024 from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love ​