Toxic Relationships: Definition, Signs, & Healing
Toxic relationships occur when people try to control each other to get their needs met. This article explains how this comes to pass, what it looks like, and some ways to reduce the toxicity of your relationships.
*This page may include affiliate links; that means we earn from qualifying purchases of products. |
Most of us have been on the outside of a toxic relationship, looking in. The fighting, the tension, the negative impacts on everybody nearby. The unhealthy nature of the relationship seems so obvious, and the solution seems so simple, especially if the two people aren’t related: just stop!
Now, what about the toxic relationships in your own life? We all have relationships we know could be healthier. |
We might even be willing to call them toxic… and yet we’re not willing to let them go. Why is that?
This blog post will try to answer that question. Toxic relationships, like all relationships, exist in a gray area; we tolerate the bad because there’s some good in there, too. Does that mean we should stay in these relationships? Not necessarily. Read on to learn the definition of a toxic relationship, signs of a toxic relationship, and ways to heal your relationships.
Before reading on, if you’re a therapist, coach, or wellness entrepreneur, be sure to grab our free Wellness Business Growth eBook to get expert tips and free resources that will help you grow your business exponentially.
Are You a Therapist, Coach, or Wellness Entrepreneur?
Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How to
Grow Your Wellness Business Exponentially!
✓ Save hundreds of hours of time ✓ Earn more $ faster
✓ Boost your credibility ✓ Deliver high-impact content
What Are Toxic Relationships? (A Definition)
Toxic relationships are defined by two chief characteristics: power imbalances and cycling back and forth between good and bad treatment (Dutton & Painter, 1981). Let’s break those two components down a bit.
Would you tolerate a terrible relationship if you had the power to easily walk away from it? Many of us wouldn’t. Toxic relationships can sometimes persist because there is a power imbalance. The person causing harm to the other must have some leverage in the relationship, something that the victimized person wants. This could be money, shelter, or work, but it could also just be love or social connection–basic needs which support our well-being.
In some toxic relationships, this works both ways, with each person having more power in at least one domain of the relationship. For example, a man might stay with his wife because he has no other source of emotional support, even though she is also emotionally abusive. At the same time, she might stay with him, even though he is physically abusive, because otherwise she will have no financial support.
This example leads us to the other aspect of toxic relationships: not every part of the relationship is bad, because an entirely bad relationship would never reward you for staying in it. In a toxic relationship, the person you’re relating to, whether it’s a friend, family member, or parent, is not just physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive or neglectful; they are also sometimes caring, attentive, generous, even self-sacrificing.
Would you tolerate a terrible relationship if you had the power to easily walk away from it? Many of us wouldn’t. Toxic relationships can sometimes persist because there is a power imbalance. The person causing harm to the other must have some leverage in the relationship, something that the victimized person wants. This could be money, shelter, or work, but it could also just be love or social connection–basic needs which support our well-being.
In some toxic relationships, this works both ways, with each person having more power in at least one domain of the relationship. For example, a man might stay with his wife because he has no other source of emotional support, even though she is also emotionally abusive. At the same time, she might stay with him, even though he is physically abusive, because otherwise she will have no financial support.
This example leads us to the other aspect of toxic relationships: not every part of the relationship is bad, because an entirely bad relationship would never reward you for staying in it. In a toxic relationship, the person you’re relating to, whether it’s a friend, family member, or parent, is not just physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive or neglectful; they are also sometimes caring, attentive, generous, even self-sacrificing.
This causes what has been called “traumatic bonding” (Dutton & Painter, 1981). At the same time that people in toxic relationships may be traumatized by their experiences in the relationship, they are also emotionally attached to each other because of that trauma. And as I noted at the start of this blog post, that can make it hard to leave, or change, these relationships.
Opposite of Toxic Relationships
The opposite of a toxic relationship is a healthy relationship—one where interactions are not abusive or neglectful. This doesn’t mean that these relationships never feature unpleasant interactions or painful moments, but it does mean that there is not a consistent pattern of unhealthy interactions and harm caused.
What a Toxic Relationship Looks Like
In all relationships, people move toward and away from each other, depending on a variety of factors. For example, in a healthy relationship, I might move away from my partner when I feel the need for independence, but I might move toward them when I feel anxious or when I feel like I need to have a conversation about the relationship.
In toxic relationships, people move toward and away from each other in ineffective or damaging ways; they also make moves to get “one up” on the other person, or to put the other person “one down” (McLemore, 2003).
This can look a variety of ways (McLemore, 2003). For example, moving toward somebody can look like controlling, engulfing, or attacking the other person. Meanwhile, moving away can look like avoiding, freeloading, giving them the silent treatment, or ghosting them.
Let’s look at some more concrete examples. Suppose a young child brings home an excellent grade on their spelling test. Toxic “moving toward” on the part of the child’s parent could include humiliating the child, telling the child that they don’t deserve the good grade, stating that the child should have gotten an even better grade, or trying to take all the credit for the child’s success. Now, suppose you come home from work frustrated and want support from your partner. Toxic “moving away” might look like ignoring you or complaining about the impact of your emotional needs (McLemore, 2003).
Can you see how toxic patterns of moving toward and moving away might become a cycle between two people? Imagine that your partner is a much tidier person than you are. If you try to freeload off them (a form of moving away) by avoiding all cleaning chores, they may move toward you in a controlling manner. What would that cause you to want to do? Probably move away from them even more, and probably not in an effective manner.
In toxic relationships, people move toward and away from each other in ineffective or damaging ways; they also make moves to get “one up” on the other person, or to put the other person “one down” (McLemore, 2003).
This can look a variety of ways (McLemore, 2003). For example, moving toward somebody can look like controlling, engulfing, or attacking the other person. Meanwhile, moving away can look like avoiding, freeloading, giving them the silent treatment, or ghosting them.
Let’s look at some more concrete examples. Suppose a young child brings home an excellent grade on their spelling test. Toxic “moving toward” on the part of the child’s parent could include humiliating the child, telling the child that they don’t deserve the good grade, stating that the child should have gotten an even better grade, or trying to take all the credit for the child’s success. Now, suppose you come home from work frustrated and want support from your partner. Toxic “moving away” might look like ignoring you or complaining about the impact of your emotional needs (McLemore, 2003).
Can you see how toxic patterns of moving toward and moving away might become a cycle between two people? Imagine that your partner is a much tidier person than you are. If you try to freeload off them (a form of moving away) by avoiding all cleaning chores, they may move toward you in a controlling manner. What would that cause you to want to do? Probably move away from them even more, and probably not in an effective manner.
Toxic Relationships Signs
Since you may not be able to see toxic relationships in action, it can be helpful to understand the characteristics of people who’ve grown up in toxic family environments or who are currently living in toxic relationships. People in toxic relationships seem to experience more shame, guilt, and anger, and to express more hostility and anger, than people who haven’t been in these relationships (Hoglund & Nicholas, 1995).
For more warning signs of a toxic relationship, I recommend watching the video below.
For more warning signs of a toxic relationship, I recommend watching the video below.
Video: 6 Signs Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship You Shouldn’t Ignore
Toxic Relationship Habits
What are the broader relationship habits in toxic relationships? You might notice people cycling between several extremes. In toxic relationships, people move back and forth from feeling love to feeling hate; from taking all the blame to forcing all the blame onto someone else; and from overstating things to minimizing concerns (Goldner, 2004). As you can imagine, the experience of such a relationship is exhausting and confusing, to the people witnessing it as well as the people in it.
What Causes Toxic Relationships?
A helpful way to understand how toxic relationships form is to understand the impacts of not getting attachment needs met. Attachment theory tells us that how people relate to each other as adults relies in large part on how they did (or didn’t) get their needs met as children (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). If we learn harmful but effective ways of getting our needs met as children, we tend to carry some form of those behaviors into adulthood (Bartholomew, 1997). Typically, these behaviors revolve around making sure we get the care that we need, often through controlling others (Reder & Duncan, 2001).
That makes it sound like one person is the problem, right? Actually, abusive relationships generally only persist when two people who each have unhealthy ways of relating connect with each other (Motz, 2014). This may be the case between a parent and child, where the child has learned unhealthy attachment behaviors from the parent, or it may happen between two adults who separately learned these harmful, even abusive behaviors. A person with a secure attachment style will not stick around and tolerate abusive behaviors; they know that they deserve better. But a person who has learned their own unhealthy ways of relating is more likely to get stuck in trying to make a toxic relationship work.
Tragically, these toxic ways of relating are often modeled by parents, internalized by their children, and reenacted by those children when they grow up (Motz, 2014). It is hard for children to witness these behaviors and not come to learn and identify with those behaviors. And since these behaviors tend to be learned from the people who love them, children learn to associate them with love, to the point that toxic ways of relating start to seem like loving acts.
This also helps explain why so many people linger in toxic relationships. In fact, the more emotionally attached we are to people who abuse us, the more likely we are to come back to that relationship again and again, despite the negative consequences (Griffing et al., 2002).
That makes it sound like one person is the problem, right? Actually, abusive relationships generally only persist when two people who each have unhealthy ways of relating connect with each other (Motz, 2014). This may be the case between a parent and child, where the child has learned unhealthy attachment behaviors from the parent, or it may happen between two adults who separately learned these harmful, even abusive behaviors. A person with a secure attachment style will not stick around and tolerate abusive behaviors; they know that they deserve better. But a person who has learned their own unhealthy ways of relating is more likely to get stuck in trying to make a toxic relationship work.
Tragically, these toxic ways of relating are often modeled by parents, internalized by their children, and reenacted by those children when they grow up (Motz, 2014). It is hard for children to witness these behaviors and not come to learn and identify with those behaviors. And since these behaviors tend to be learned from the people who love them, children learn to associate them with love, to the point that toxic ways of relating start to seem like loving acts.
This also helps explain why so many people linger in toxic relationships. In fact, the more emotionally attached we are to people who abuse us, the more likely we are to come back to that relationship again and again, despite the negative consequences (Griffing et al., 2002).
Toxic Relationships with Parents
Toxic relationships, as should be clear by now, are often learned in the family, including from parent to child. In a family context, toxic relationships are often coercive, rather than reciprocal (Patterson & Reid, 1973). This typically happens when parents do not have the tools to handle parenting responsibilities effectively, or keep themselves regulated during parenting (Wolfe, 1985). Instead of using tactics that are positively rewarding for everybody involved, parents use their power over their children to make the children behave. This creates more confrontations and conflict over time, leading to even more extreme behaviors on both sides (Cerezo, 1997). In the absence of learning healthy ways of relating, a child that has been dominated this way will end up trying to dominate others in the same way as an adult.
Indeed, some psychologists have noted the similarities between adult and child behaviors that result from abusive upbringings. For example, men who are abusive seem to cycle back and forth between clinging desperately to their romantic partners when they feel safe and exploding at their romantic partners when they believe their partners are emotionally unavailable – much like an insecure toddler would react when their mother seems inconsistently available to their needs (Dutton, 1998).
Indeed, some psychologists have noted the similarities between adult and child behaviors that result from abusive upbringings. For example, men who are abusive seem to cycle back and forth between clinging desperately to their romantic partners when they feel safe and exploding at their romantic partners when they believe their partners are emotionally unavailable – much like an insecure toddler would react when their mother seems inconsistently available to their needs (Dutton, 1998).
How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Physical Health
Toxic relationships are devastating to physical health. Adults in abusive relationships experience higher rates of stress and medical issues (Campbell et al., 2002; Coker et al., 2000), while people who experienced abusive environments in childhood have higher rates of psychiatric disorders, physical health issues, and engagement in risky behaviors as adults (Thompson et al., 2004).
How Not to Be Toxic in a Relationship
A key way to break out of toxic relationship patterns is to reject power dynamics that cause one person to be above or below the other (McLemore, 2003). What would this look like? This looks like shifting from disengaging and besting the other person to attaching to and caring for the other person (McLemore, 2003).
For example, disengaging can look like stonewalling somebody, or simply giving in to something you don’t want. Instead, try to let them in, but not too much. If your romantic partner wants to go out dancing tonight, and you’re not in the mood, engage with them while holding boundaries. It might look like saying, “I appreciate that you want to spend time together. I want that, too, but I don’t have the energy for dancing. What else would be fun for us to do tonight?”
Similarly, instead of competing with your partner, you can aim to show care. You might feel threatened when your romantic partner succeeds at work. What if they think you’re a failure by comparison? Instead of doing something to put them down (so you don’t feel as down yourself), show care and vulnerability: “I am trying to be excited for you, because this is great news. I am proud of you, but I’m also feeling less-than right now. I’m trying to just stay proud of you and not get jealous or insecure.”
For example, disengaging can look like stonewalling somebody, or simply giving in to something you don’t want. Instead, try to let them in, but not too much. If your romantic partner wants to go out dancing tonight, and you’re not in the mood, engage with them while holding boundaries. It might look like saying, “I appreciate that you want to spend time together. I want that, too, but I don’t have the energy for dancing. What else would be fun for us to do tonight?”
Similarly, instead of competing with your partner, you can aim to show care. You might feel threatened when your romantic partner succeeds at work. What if they think you’re a failure by comparison? Instead of doing something to put them down (so you don’t feel as down yourself), show care and vulnerability: “I am trying to be excited for you, because this is great news. I am proud of you, but I’m also feeling less-than right now. I’m trying to just stay proud of you and not get jealous or insecure.”
Toxic Relationships Quotes
Here are some insightful quotes on the topic of toxic relationships:
- “Love cannot live where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton
- “It’s amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.” – Ella Harper
- “You don’t let go of a bad relationship because you stop caring about them. You let go because you start caring about yourself.” – Charles Orlando
- “I burned my bridges so the devil couldn’t follow me.” – L.M. Browning
- “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” – Robin Williams
- “No partner in a love relationship… should feel that he has to give up an essential part of himself to make it viable.” – May Sarton
- “When you are finally able to see and understand the toxicity you have been surrounding yourself with, they will do everything in their power to make you out to be the evil one.” – Christine E. Szymanski
- “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli
Articles Related to Toxic Relationships
Want to learn more? Here are some related articles that might be helpful.
- Passive Aggression: Definition, Examples, & Behaviors
- Gaslighting: Definition, Examples, & Signs
- Stonewalling: Definition, Tactics, & Examples
- Trust Issues: Definition, Examples, & How to Improve Them
- Enabling: Definition, Behaviors, & Tips
- Couple’s Therapy: Definition, Benefits, & Goals
- People Pleasing: Definition, Quotes, & Psychology
- Love Bombing: Definition, Examples, & Psychology
- Toxic Positivity: Definition, Research & Examples
Books Related to Toxic Relationships
To keep learning, here are some books to explore:
Final Thoughts on Toxic Relationships
I think it’s important to differentiate between times when we do something unhealthy in our relationships versus relationships that are themselves toxic. We all sometimes act on negative feelings in unhelpful ways. But if a relationship feels that way often – if it seems like you and the other person really bring out the worst in each other, and you’re not sure how to fix it – I hope you find your way to some help. Sympathetic friends, family members, and even therapists are waiting to support you in reducing the toxicity of your relationships.
Don’t Forget to Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How to
Grow Your Wellness Business Exponentially!
References
- Bartholomew, K. (1997). Adult attachment processes: individual and couple perspectives. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 70, 249-263.
- Campbell, J., Jones, A. S., Dienemann, J., Kub, J., Schollenberger, J., O’Campo, P., … & Wynne, C. (2002). Intimate partner violence and physical health consequences. Archives of Internal Medicine, 162(10), 1157-1163.
- Cerezo, M. A. (1997). Abusive family interaction: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 2(3), 215-240.
- Coker, A. L., Smith, P. H., Bethea, L., King, M. R., & McKeown, R. E. (2000). Physical health consequences of physical and psychological intimate partner violence. Archives of Family Medicine, 9451-9457.
- Dutton, D. (1998). The abusive personality. New York: Guilford Press.
- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1981). Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse. Victimology: An International Journal, 7(4), 139-155.
- Goldner, V. (2004). When love hurts: Treating abusive relationships. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 24(3), 346-372.
- Griffing, S., Ragin, D. F., Sage, R. E., Madry, L., Bingham, L. E., & Primm, B. J. (2002). Domestic violence survivors’ self-identified reasons for returning to abusive relationships. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 17(3), 306-319.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.
- Hoglund, C. L., & Nicholas, K. B. (1995). Shame, guilt, and anger in college students exposed to abusive family environments. Journal of Family Violence, 10(2), 141-157.
- McLemore, C. W. (2003). Toxic relationships and how to change them: health and holiness in everyday life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
- Motz, A. (2014). Toxic couples: the psychology of domestic violence. Routledge.
- Patterson, G. R., & Reid, J. B. (1973). Intervention for families of aggressive boys: A replication study. Behavior Research and Therapy, 11(4), 383-394.
- Reder, P., & Duncan, S. (2001). Abusive relationships, care and control conflicts and insecure attachments. Child Abuse Review, 10, 411-427.
- Thompson, M. P., Kingree, J. B., & Desai, S. (2004). Gender differences in long-term health consequences of physical abuse of children: data from a nationally representative survey. American Journal of Public Health, 94(4), 599-604.
- Wolfe, D. A. (1985). Child-abusive parents: an empirical review and analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 97(3), 462.
Are You a Therapist, Coach, or Wellness Entrepreneur?
Grab Our Free eBook to Learn How to Grow Your Wellness Business Fast!
Key Articles:Content Packages:
