Unconditional Love: Definition, Examples, & Quotes​

Unconditional love is love that is freely given – it makes no demands and has no expectations of the object of its love (Watts & Stenner, 2014). It is often conceptualized as existing independent of romantic love, sexual desire, even the bonds of family, although of course love can be given unconditionally in each of these situations. What distinguishes unconditional love is that it is motivated and sustained by sheer care and satisfaction in giving love (Gilligan, 1993). Many people conceptualize unconditional love as something that is offered to all beings (Post, 2003), but as a therapist, I am most interested in what it is like when unconditional love is offered to one person by another.

​When a person acts on unconditional love, they are not acting to satisfy their own needs (Post, 2003), although it feels good to act out of unconditional love. When one feels unconditional love, one embraces the happiness of others without coveting it or growing jealous.

To feel unconditional love for another person is not simply feeling empathy or compassion for them (Beauregard et al., 2009). Empathy is understanding and feeling what another person is feeling – we can do these things without feeling love for another person. Similarly, compassion is a desire for another person not to suffer, and unconditional love is not limited to times when a person is suffering.

​The one brain imaging study I could find on unconditional love found that the patterns of brain activation are different when people focus on unconditional love versus romantic love or love for one’s child (Beauregard et al., 2009). It is clear from their results that the reward system in the brain is highly activated during experiences of unconditional love, which to me suggests that unconditional love may be characterized by finding the successes and happiness of other people to be intrinsically rewarding. This reinforces the idea that unconditional love is not about what I get from the situation, but it is instead about my feeling good about somebody else’s good feelings.

The opposite of unconditional love is having an attitude toward a person that is both conditional and not loving. I would say that it is, therefore, a state of actively disliking another person, unless they happen to do something that satisfies you. Or we can look at the opposite of love as being emotionally indifferent, or apathetic (Abassi & Alghamdi, 2017), in which the opposite of unconditional love is only paying attention to someone when they do something you like.

Unconditional Love vs Conditional Love

Conditional love is love based on the degree to which the object of love satisfies our expectations (Welwood, 1985). In other words, it is based on the answer to the question, “What does this person do for me?” People feeling unconditional love are not concerned with this question, because their unconditional love is not based on their own wants or needs.

Although this might not sound like a very desirable form of love, I think if we are being honest, most love is conditional love. I love my friends, but if they stopped sharing the same interests as me, no longer wanted to engage in meaningful conversations, and couldn’t be counted on to support me and ask for support – well, I would probably start to love them less. In fact, I would probably start to feel resentment or frustration instead of love.

I imagine things might look similar for you in most of your relationships. If you are a parent, you might have experience with unconditional love. In those moments when a parent looks at a child and thinks, “There is nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you,” they are feeling unconditional love. It is possible to feel this way toward people who are not fully dependent on us, though – you can feel unconditional love for a friend, relative, lover, or even a complete stranger.

For decades now, therapists have discussed how a version of unconditional love called unconditional positive regard is a crucial element of effective therapy (Wilkins, 2000). Unconditional positive regard in therapy is when a therapist provides utter and complete acceptance and support, regardless of what the client says. Surely, many of us reason, this is the ideal context for sharing one’s deepest and tenderest experiences.

I know in my own therapy, my sense that my therapist could not possibly judge me for my thoughts and actions has enabled me to be much more honest and vulnerable than I’ve been with anyone else in my life. And for many people in recovery from addictions, knowing that they have this kind of support from their own higher power – having faith that there is a force greater than themselves that feels only love toward them and simply wants the best for them – is a great consolation and source of support.

​I think these examples highlight the importance of unconditional love: it frees the recipient, allows them to be exactly themselves, and helps them know that they are cared for and appreciated, just as they are.

People experience unconditional love not just from therapists and higher powers (Hawka, 1985). Spiritual leaders, friends, and even coworkers can provide this kind of support. Across all of these relationships, people reported feeling respected and acknowledged for who they were, and this in turn enabled them to live their lives with greater awareness, freedom, and openness (Hawka, 1985). Ultimately, they found that their self-images improved substantially from being unconditionally loved.

So what might this look like in practice? Perhaps the most prototypical example I can think of is when people in Christian faith confess their sins to their priest or minister (although many other faith traditions feature confession practices as well). By voicing sins out loud before a trusted faith leader, people get the experience of continuing to belong and be worthy even in their shame and guilt. In fact, they experience some relief from that shame and guilt, as well as a break from having to keep up appearances before everyone else (Murray-Swank et al., 2007).

On a smaller scale, I think expressions of unconditional love happen between friends all the time. Whether it is one person accepting an apology for being ghosted, or a friend expressing affection and acceptance after the other has disclosed a painful secret, these moments happen often in friendships.​

Unconditional love is sometimes referred to by the Greek word ‘agape’, which means unconditional love for others and is often used to refer to the kind of love that the Christian god feels for humans or the self-sacrificing, altruistic love that Jesus felt for his fellows (Lee, 1998). I think this is a useful context for our discussion because it highlights the aspirational nature of unconditional love. None of us will reach the levels of self-sacrifice and altruism that Jesus is said to have shown – this is not a realistic goal, but it is a powerful guiding principle (Wivestad, 2008), something that we can try our best to embody. Thus, unconditional love is something that we express through action. It is not something we can continuously and always feel toward others, but it is real in the sense that we can try again and again to manifest unconditional love in our lives.

​For example, acts of caregiving are where unconditional love is most needed. I think of the families I have worked with as a therapist, where behavioral challenges greatly strained the relationships between parents and children. An important part of therapy was often helping parents stay connected to their unconditional love for their children; this would help them stay grounded and not walk away, or lash out, in the middle of a child’s tantrum. When children are emotionally dysregulated, they may fear that they are losing the love of their parents. When parents remain accepting even in such a frustrating and painful moment, it helps the child see that they are still loved even in their struggles (McGee & Menolascino, 1991).

Feeling unconditional love toward others is associated with healthy outcomes, especially for interpersonal relationships. For example, men higher in agape love are less likely to be coercive toward their romantic partners (Russell & Oswald, 2002). More generally speaking, people who score higher on rating scales of agape love are more likely to forgive others (Kim et al., 2022), and forgiveness is associated with better well-being (Griffin et al., 2015).​

We can also give ourselves unconditional love – and doing so will make us happier and healthier (Solimar, 1987). Unconditional self-love involves appreciating all the aspects of our bodies and selves – especially those we might otherwise disparage or judge. When we can love ourselves unconditionally, we grow in self-confidence and self-esteem, as we come to recognize the inherent goodness in our truest selves.​

• “I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
  
• “Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.” – Ram Dass
  
• “True adulthood occurs the moment we grasp that the people who raised us do not exist solely for our comfort and reassurance. From that point on, the steady stream of unconditional love and support we’ve expected from them all our lives has to flow both ways.” – Lynn Coady
  
• “I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me, they are the role model for being alive.” – Gilda Radner
  

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