What Are Values and How Do You Live Them?

To get started, think about the list of values below (go here for a longer values list). Write down any of the values that you hold. Feel free to add additional values if they are not included on the list.

Values List:

Authenticity              Adventure                  Balance
Bravery                     Compassion               Challenge
Citizenship               Community                 Creativity
Curiosity                   Determination            Fairness
Freedom                   Friendships                 Fun
Generosity                Growth                        Honesty
Influence                   Justice                        Kindness
Knowledge                Leadership                 Learning
Love                           Loyalty                        Openness
Optimism                  Recognition               Respect
Responsibility           Security                     Self-Respect
Social Connection    Spirituality                Stability
Status                         Wealth                        Wisdom

Next, note your most important 3 or 5 values.
For each of these, write down three or more actions that define what it would mean for you to live these values. For example, if you value Loyalty, actions might include forgiving a friend for a betrayal, negotiating fair treatment at work to ensure your commitment to your employer, or choosing not to engage in extramarital affairs.

Now, write down one thing you have done that does not reflect each your top 3 to 5 values. 
For example, if you value Optimism, it’s a more value-driven choice to think positively than to worry about the future.

Next, write down what you could do differently next time. 
Maybe instead of bracing for the worst, you could think about what might go right, what you might learn, or what cool things you have to look forward to in the future.
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As you are doing this activity, you may discover that there are ways that you could live in closer alignment with your values. It may be hard to follow through on some of the actions you identified. Maybe you would need to stop drinking. Maybe you would need to change jobs. Maybe you would need to have some difficult conversations. It’s quite easy to go with the flow and lose sight of our values. It’s a lot harder to live by our values and do what’s right for ourselves in the long run.

1. Are there any people with whom you have a difficult time living this value? For example, maybe your romantic partner, parent, sibling, coworker, or friend?
2. Are there any situations that make it difficult for you to practice this value? Where are you, or what are you doing when you fail to practice these values? For example, maybe you’re at work, at home, out at a bar, on social media, in the car, or at the day care center.
3. Is there anything else that makes it difficult for you to live your values? For example, maybe you live your values in the morning but not at night, when in your hometown but not on vacation, or on Monday but not Friday.

Once you’ve identified the external events that trigger you to veer away from your core values, it’s key that you identify why these experiences affect you this way.
Look through all of the people and situations that lead you to stray from your values and ask yourself what thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations lead you to act differently than you would like to?

The emotions that trigger you may be the same across all situations, or they may be different. So just write down anything you think of that leads you away from your values. These emotions, thoughts, and associated bodily sensations are at the root of what causes us to abandon our values. When we act in a way that’s inconsistent with our values, we are just attempting to regulate or reduce our negative emotions, even if only temporarily.

Our actions—even the ones we’re not proud of—usually make sense when we look at them as attempts to get our needs met. So, if you’re struggling to live your values, you likely have a conflict between living your values and getting your needs met. The way forward? Learn how to get your needs met in new ways—ways that don’t conflict with your values.

To identify any potential value conflicts, take a moment now to reflect on what the upside is when you go against your values. What are you getting out of the actions you take? What positive emotions are you feeling? What needs are being satisfied when you go against your values? Do you feel excited? Safe? Loved?

Now, ask yourself how else you could get these needs met? What might be healthier ways?
For example, the man who cheats on his wife could tell her that he really needs to feel attractive to her. So he suggests that they start sending each other sexy text messages and requests that she refrain from chatting with other men on social media. The woman who feels insecure in her job could take some online courses to make herself more valuable to the company, or she could start researching new jobs online. The man who feels powerless could create and lead an online group for a good cause, helping him gain a sense of power with a more positive outcome.
All of these changes require self-awareness, honesty, and effort, but they are necessary for resolving conflicts between our values and needs.

For me to begin living in alignment with my values, I first stopped being so mean, even when I felt that others deserved it. Living my values felt great, but I quickly discovered that some of my needs were not being met. By being mean to people who hurt my feelings, I was unconsciously telling myself that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way, that I was a person worthy of love, respect, and appreciation. But being a jerk only made people treat me worse.

I found that the only way for me to get past my point of conflict was to learn how to communicate more effectively, so that I could tell people how I would and how I would not allow them to treat me. This is really a weakness of mine, and I still struggle with it today, but the more I love, respect, and appreciate myself by not letting others treat me poorly, the better I feel and the easier it is to both live my values and get my needs met. Now I react to feelings of not being appreciated more effectively—for example—by telling others how I would like to be treated.
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Changing your life is never easy…but it’s always worth it. Give this activity a shot and I hope you can start living in closer alignment with your values.