“Who Am I?” + Other Questions to Know Yourself Better

Are you struggling to know yourself? Do you wonder what you are at the core? Might you want to get to know the many different parts of yourself better? In this article, we’ll dive into some different areas of research to help you explore the many different parts of yourself—your values, beliefs, goals, emotions, and more. Exploring these different parts of yourself can help you feel more confident and sure of who you are.

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When we know who we are we have a clear self-concept—or a clear image of our material self, intrapersonal self, and interpersonal self (Epstein, 1973). To know our material self means that we know about our body—for example, its size, shape, and appearance. To know our intrapersonal self means that we know our emotions, needs, values, opinions, and other internal processes. And to know our interpersonal self means that we know how others see us. All of these are parts of who we are.

Another way to answer the question, “Who am I?” is by thinking about the categories that we are in. For example, our age group, gender, race, religion, and community can all be crucial parts of who we are. It’s no wonder that answering the question, “Who am I?” can be so tough! There are so many different answers we could give. In the next sections, we’ll break this all down to show you how to build a multifaceted but clear definition of who you are.

Exploring our material self is probably the easiest part of knowing who we are. So let’s start here. At least that way, you’ll be sure you know some things about yourself. You can get to know your material self better by asking yourself the following questions:

• What do I look like?
• What color are my eyes, skin, and hair?
• What is my weight? What is my height?
• Do I have any interesting aspects of my appearance?

​Hopefully, these were easy questions and you’re ready to move onto some more difficult ones.

When we ask the question, “Who am I?” we’re probably mostly referring to our intrapersonal self—or our internal qualities and experiences. Yet our intrapersonal self may be hardest to pin down and understand. So let’s talk about some of the key parts of the intrapersonal self in more detail to answer the question, “who am I?”

“I am”… an agent of my values
Values play a big role in who we think we are—they guide our decision making, help us to understand the type of life we want to lead, and may determine the social groups that we belong to (Smolicz, 1981). For example, if kindness is a core value, you might interact with people differently than if kindness wasn’t a core value. You might pursue different activities and be a completely different person. This is why knowing your values can be really useful for answering the question, “Who am I?”

So take a moment to explore this values list and identify which values make you who you are:

Values List:
Authenticity              Adventure                  Balance
Bravery                     Compassion               Challenge
Citizenship               Community                 Creativity
Curiosity                   Determination            Fairness
Freedom                   Friendships                 Fun
Generosity                Growth                        Honesty
Influence                   Justice                        Kindness
Knowledge                Leadership                 Learning
Love                           Loyalty                        Openness
Optimism                  Recognition               Respect
Responsibility           Security                     Self-Respect
Social Connection    Spirituality                Stability
Status                         Wealth                        Wisdom

“I am”… a product of my goals
​Like values, goals may guide us through life and be important for our identity. For example, researchers suggest that each of us has ideas or visions of our future self. These visions are of what we might become, what we would like to become, and what we would not like to become (Markus & Nurius, 1986).

We hold in our minds the possibility that we could become many different possible selves. But, when we are clear about our dreams, aspirations, and goals and we know how these fit with the other parts of ourselves we have a clearer picture of our ideal self (Boyatzis, & Akrivou, 2006). So setting clear goals and working towards them can help us feel more like we know who we are (and also like the person that we are).

“I am”… someone who has specific needs
Our needs are also a part of who we are. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we need to satisfy deficit needs—like food, water, and shelter—before focusing on other needs like love, self-esteem, self-actualization, and selfless pursuits. The needs we are currently focused on likely play a big role in who we are.

For example, if you feel like you have a solid social support system with family, friends, and a partner who loves you, the needs you are focused on getting met are likely more about respect, growth, or giving back in some way. So who you are is fundamentally affected by the needs you have—and have not—gotten met.

Another popular theory of needs suggests that we all have three core needs that we aim to satisfy at any given time. These needs are:

• Autonomy. The belief that we can be the drivers of our own lives.
• Relatedness. The feeling that we are connected to others.
• Competence. The belief that we can successfully bring about the outcomes we desire.

Whether or not these needs are supported—versus thwarted—affects what we do and how we move through this world (Deci & Ryan, 2008). In my experience, I generally see that the need that is most thwarted (or unmet) is the one that most defines us at that moment. For example, people who want to be in a romantic relationship (but are not) become very focused on that part of their identity.  Similarly, people who feel trapped in a bad or dead-end job may focus mostly on their lack of autonomy. So in some ways, our identity seems to come from our unmet needs more than our met needs.

“I am”… a person with a specific set of beliefs
Beliefs are another big part of our identity. Our religious beliefs, political beliefs, and other opinions may be at the forefront of who we think we are. We even frequently use the phrase “I am” to refer to our beliefs. For example, maybe I am a Christian, a Democrat, an Atheist, or a Republican. We identify with our beliefs because they make us who we are, determine who we might spend our time with, and affect how we live our lives.

“I am”… a person with certain characteristics
Personality is another part of who we are and how we think about ourselves. The most popular theory of personality suggests that there are five primary personality traits (and many slight variations of these traits) and that we all have varying amounts of these traits. These “Big 5” personality traits are Neuroticism, Extraversion, Openness, Agreeableness, and Conscientiousness​ (John & Srivastava, 1999).

Here are a few questions that can help you better assess and understand your personality (from ipip.ori.org):

Extraversion: I am the life of the party.
Strongly disagree            Strongly agree
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10 

Agreeableness: I sympathize with others’ feelings.
Strongly disagree            Strongly agree
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10 

Neuroticism/Emotional Stability: I am relaxed most of the time.
Strongly disagree            Strongly agree
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10 

Openness: I have a vivid imagination.
Strongly disagree            Strongly agree
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10 

Conscientiousness: I am always prepared.
Strongly disagree            Strongly agree
1     2     3     4     5     6     7     8     9     10 

“I am”… someone with emotions
What makes us who we are? Basically, we are the sum of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Most of what we’ve talked about so far could be classified as thoughts. But what about our emotions? What kind of emotional being are you? Are you someone who tends to experience a lot of anger, sadness, or anxiety? For example, I know that I am a high-anxiety, low-anger person.

It can also be helpful to reflect on your experience of positive emotions? Do you frequently feel calm? Or excited? Or inspired? Or passionate? The emotions we experience in response to the world help define us and separate us from everyone else.

An interesting thing is that we tend to view ourselves in ways that are similar to the way other people view us (Epstein, 1973). Researchers thought this was because we humans, as social creatures, learn a lot about our identity from our interactions with others.

It’s kind of like the old adage about a tree falling in the woods. Does it make a sound? Well, if we have no one to interact with, do we even have an identity? Our identity exists only in the context of social interactions. This is why understanding our interpersonal self is so useful when trying to understand who we are.

To better understand your interpersonal self, it can be helpful to think about some of the more obvious parts of yourself that can be seen by others.

For example, you might ask yourself:

• What is my profession?
• What is my race or gender?
• What is it about my appearance that is most apparent to others?
• What impressions do I give people when they first meet me? What about after they know me for a bit?
• How do I fit in society? What role do I play?

This can start to give you a sense of who you are in others’ eyes.

“I am”… someone with membership in specific groups
Group membership may be more or less important to our identity depending on which groups we are part of. Racial identity may be a key part of how we think about ourselves, particularly if that identity affects how we experience the world in notable or negative ways. Gender is another group identify that tends to affect us in a myriad of ways that we may not even be aware of. For example, as a woman, I am physically weaker than most men and that affects who I am and how I go about living my life.

Other less obvious group memberships might also be crucial to our identity. For example, I know many of my former schoolmates who are now college professors and identify as academics—that label and group membership helps explain a lot about who they are, what they value, and how they live.

Another example that I always find interesting is the smoker’s identity. Smokers are part of a shrinking group of people who are now cast out of restaurants into alleys and remote locations to smoke. So smokers have their own set of unique experiences that some of them may use to define themselves. 

Other examples might include being vegan, paleo, a marathon runner, a traveler, a photographer, etc… I’m sure there a million more examples. What about you? Which groups are you part of that help define who you are?

Asking others “Who am I?”
A really interesting way to learn more about yourself is to ask people from different areas of your life to list 3-5 words to describe you. You might find that everyone pretty much describes you the same way. Or you might discover that your identity shifts when you’re with different people (that’s totally normal by the way). 

​You might also discover that other people think of you the same way you think of yourself. Or, other people may have opinions of you that you were totally unaware of. For example, when I did this exercise, several people told me that I am supportive. Although I didn’t really think of myself that way, they were right! Now I know just a little bit more about myself that I didn’t know before.

Hopefully, the insights and exercises provided here helped you explore who you are. So what did you find? What aspects of yourself are most important to you? Or, what aspects of yourself are most important right now? What part of your self-knowledge is missing and how can you start filling in the gaps? It may take some self-reflection and time, but it’s worth it.

Here are some more activities that might help you learn even more about yourself—your positive characteristics in particular.

Need some more help learning about who you are? These articles may be helpful.

• ​Boyatzis, R. E., & Akrivou, K. (2006). The ideal self as the driver of intentional change. Journal of management development.
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2008). Self-determination theory: A macrotheory of human motivation, development, and health. Canadian psychology/Psychologie canadienne, 49(3), 182.
• Epstein, S. (1973). The self-concept revisited: Or a theory of a theory. American psychologist, 28(5), 404.
• International Personality Item Pool (IPIP). ipip.ori.org.
• John, O. P., & Srivastava, S. (1999). The Big-Five trait taxonomy: History, measurement, and theoretical perspectives (Vol. 2, pp. 102-138). Berkeley: University of California.
• Markus, H., & Nurius, P. (1986). Possible selves. American psychologist, 41(9), 954.
• Smolicz, J. (1981). Core values and cultural identity. Ethnic and racial studies, 4(1), 75-90.​